Am I trying to live a fairy tale?

[aloneandtired]

I've been married to my husband now for 5 years, his D.O.C is Crack cocaine. I've been through some rocky roads and wonder to myself. If my life could be better as a single mother. I find that I ignore his flaws more and more to save myself the heartache of letting go of him. He uses maybe once every few months but it really does bother me I hatte that I can't sleep, because I may not see him again or I lose him completely. I wonder if he cares that I feel lost without him, I wonder if he even loves me at all or just stays with me for a place to come home. Lost, hurt, annoyed and feeling alone, if you haven't guessed it by now my husband is out there using and I am sitting here crying over him?

[IBKleen]

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Crack is one of the worst drugs in that it leaves the loved ones wondering. Crack is usually a drug that is used for binging..just like your husband. He will get strong urges and run to get it. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you. The drug takes over and there is no stopping it.

One thing I want to say to you and I don't want to hurt you but I do want you to think about it. Crack use is almost always associated with some form of sexual behavior. It spikes the libido or however it works. I am not saying that your husband is participating in that but I am saying for you to protect yourself in case.

Has he ever admitted that he has a problem? Has he asked for help?

My heart breaks for you tonight. Please stick around here. there are good and caring, supportive people who will talk with you through this.You are in my prayers tonight. I know you have some tough decisions ahead.

[usedtobesunshine]

I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband is an alcoholic who refuses to admit it. We've been married for 25 yrs & I never even realized it until I came to the end of my rope & told him to pick, the alcohol or me & the kids. He quit for 4 yrs but has recently picked it back up. It may not even be once a month but I have sat up many nights just waiting for the police to knock on my door & tell me he was dead. I finally had to go on an antidepressant. Lately I've had a bulging disc in lower back & took hydro. It made me not care.. that is not the way either I can tell you..now I'm afraid of my own demon & only used that couple of months but I know better so that stuff is out ta here! Have you tried counseling? That did help me way back then. If mine continues to drink we will probably end up divorced.... its just gets to be not worth the stress even though you do love them. We have a 13 yr old son who loves his dad & I really don't want to split our family & I've kept this hid from him all these years until this last weekend he saw for himself. It was a sad day.

[usedtobesunshine]

Just know that you are not alone & I will pray for you & you for me plz.  Love, usedtobesunshine

[CRSeaside]

Dear Aloneandtired. I believe in the power of prayer too. Part of your question
Is should you be a single mom?
   Speaking from personal experience my answer is Yes. He can't or will not stop. It doesn't matter. Get your children away from this kind of nerve wracking environment.  It used to happen to me. I had a high powered position, I wouldn't be able to sleep. If he came home at all it was a huge blow-out for the rest of the night. I'd be begging him to just leave me the hell alone. He wouldn't. I couldn't sleep. Or he'd come home so high on the stuff & take my Mercedes. I was always so conflicted. Should I call the police?
I never did. He was just like your husband. Sometimes he wouldn't do it for months. Then I'd be lulled into a false sense of security.  Then Bang. All over again.   After I finally got rid of him, I felt like someone lifted 1000 lbs off of my
Shoulders.  I cryed a lot because he was good in other respects. But I made the best decision of my life, getting rid of him. Pamela