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Avatar universal

last ditch effort

I think ive been going about this all wrong. I get so angry about where I'm at and what ive done to myself that I try to drop down way to far way too fast. Then when I cant take it nymore, instead of trying to just take the edge off I go nuts and end up right back where I freakin started.
My new goal is simply to sutvive on my scriot alone. Ive told all my sources that if they consider me a friend in any way, that they will ignore my phone calls from here on out.
I also told my sister that my next Dr appt is on Thursday. I am bringing the paper directly to her. She is going to pick up the scripts, hold them, and under no circumstances is she to give me more than what I am supposed to have. Unless I get sent outta town for work.
Please everyone, cross your fingers for me.
I cant live like this nymire. I have no joy, no hope, no drive to do nything. This stupid G** D***ed little blue pills runs my life. And ruined my life. I want my life back. Please........let this be the start FINALLY of something I succeed at. PLEASE
38 Responses
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2030769 tn?1343647674
Those are some huge steps you took, telling your sources to STOP giving you pills and asking your sister for her help.  I am not familiar with your whole situation, but why are you prescribed the pain meds?  Is it a condition that has pain that could be managed without it, or in a different way?  I just know for me, once I crossed that point of no return and got totally addicted, my tolerance sky rocketed and i really couldn't just take a few or what would be a normal prescribed dose. Whenever I tried to limit my intake,  It only made it worse for me and actually created pain where there wouldn't have been any had I not been keeping myself in constant w/ds.  Not sure why you need it, I was fortunate not to have legit pain, I had only taken pain pills for the sole purpose of getting high. Ugh. Anyways, I really admire how hard you are fighting this, and as long as you don't give up, you will do this!
Helpful - 0
2120911 tn?1350922661
The days of "taking the edge off" are over man. You are an addict who can no longer take opiates/narcotics as prescribed.

I am the same way. If I take them,,,,even one,,,,I will abuse them. This is not a theory I'm testing about myself, It's been proven. Opiates/drugs  the great stealer of life.... of happinessy....I gave it enough of my life to it...no more,,,,

You will make it...put in the work....its worth it,,,,


Much support

Free~
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
You are NEVER going to take them as prescribed.

You're an addict, just like me, and that's never going to change.  Course, you can change what happens today and NOT use.  But if you think you can take your meds as prescribed, you're kidding yourself.  Sorry if that's harsh but it's true.  Stop now.. YOU can do this if it's truly what you want....  just STOP.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know I cannot control myself. That is why sis is going to hold them. I would LOVE to just stop. Unfortunately my personal life and especially my domestic situation are both in a state that I cannot afford to go through w/d's right now. Especially from the ridiculously stupid level that I'm at. This is the best I can come up with right now.
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Your "sign on" kinda tells its own story.  The posts above are the TRUTH you probably don't want to here.
Even with my husband as my "gatekeeper of THE pills", I would sneak, find, hide, stash, lie, whatever it took to get more and more and more.
I started with a prescribed dose; our pain receptors in our brains are purposely designed to "quit working" at a certain level.  It is a built in lifesaver, if you will.
Take heed of the above advise......your brain on pills will ALWAYS AND FOREVER tell you that you can "go back" to taking what was prescribed.
You must decide for yourself, of course, but the rat race will continue.
You can always CANCEL your script, ask your sister to help in other ways.
As Kyle says:  1) Cut off every single source you have for your drugs.
2) Share your "secret" (which you have to some extent already it sounds like) but secrets keep us sick.
3) Get some aftercare, NA, AA, counseling, support group.  With "skin on" not just a computer (when you have the health and energy which it sounds like you already do)  I long for that energy!!
Blessings to you......"beyond screwed" (that is an interesting admission)lol
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know I cannot control myself. That is why sis is going to hold them. I would LOVE to just stop. Unfortunately my personal life and especially my domestic situation are both in a state that I cannot afford to go through w/d's right now. Especially from the ridiculously stupid level that I'm at. This is the best I can come up with right now.
And yes I do have legit pain conditions. That's the othee reason I keep failing. Besides the fact that I'm only 32 ad ive been high or drunk since I was 15. Somehow ive still managed to build a life and I will not let oxy take it from me
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I will xplain more later why I cannot do some of that. No more time right niw, but thank u all again so much. Ill post more in a few hours
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
You say you cannot afford to go through withdrawal right now. You can't afford not to go through withdrawal now.

One thing you have consistently done is to keep doing this on your own. Your way doesn't work hun and that's how you got here. It is time to ask for help and not from your sister. You are putting a lot on her as it is.

I am very concerned for you and will keep you in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
1798872 tn?1346164585
Relase is part of recovery,But not if it ongoing...Please reread the last 5 posts over and over again,anyone can do anything ay any giving time,you just have to want to(im not saying you dont)try,try and try a litle harder.You are in the rght place for help,d your bet and ill be praying for you....Danny        :)



Helpful - 0
1331115 tn?1536362140
I agree re-read your posts and think about the about waht you said. You use the verb "cannot" quite frequently this is your addicted brain telling you won't be able to do this. You "CAN" do this so please try. You will be suprised what you "CAN" do when you put your sober brain to it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am at the beginnings of a most likely divorce. As of right now only a handful of people know that I take more than my script. My AWESOME sister being one of them. Also my main suplier is a very good friend, snd he has given me his word that he will help me get to Thursday, snd then he will never again.......
As of now my wife has nothing to use against me. If I admit to everyone everything that ive done, I could very well lose my son. He is MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!
I cannot stress that enuf. I love life and want so badly a sober life, but if I lose him then I really honestly don't care either way. I'm not saying I'm gonna do nything stupid. But without him I have no life.
So I have to and will succeed on my own. I have beaten alcoholism, addictions to cocain, xanax, 24/7 weed smokin for 10 years. And I WILL beat this. I will.
I have been knocked down and had to start over in life before, and I can do it again. I have been seekin NA meetings where no one wud know me, and possibly an addictionologist.
I cannot believe the level of supporr I receive here though. You are all absolutley amazing.
And for those that don't know, I am cyrrently at 25 mcg fentanyl patch and 4 of the 30mg oxy ir per day as my script. I add to that nywhere from 50-200 mg oxy per day.
But no more. Again thank you all
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im just thinking of the position you are putting your sister in. She sounds like a wonderful person, but being an addict your likelihood of hurting your sister seems abnormally high. There is never a great time to withdraw. I know for a fact I can not have another oxy or any opiate, i would slide downhill really fast and back spending money and lying to my loved ones. Just think about the pattern that you are going to create. All my prayers..
Helpful - 0
1331115 tn?1536362140
Yes seeing an addictionologist is a great idea, I know it worjed well for me. I will pray for you and hope you CAN overcome this addiction. God Bless---Rick
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
For one, I admire your honesty.  It's not easy to admit you're failing and feeling weak.  

You will always find a reason why "right now" isn't a good time to w/d.  I mean if you had a big court appearance tomorrow or something, I could MAYBE see, but I think there are few REALLY "legit" reasons to put off making this MUCH needed change.

I will tell you that also, you'd be surprised at how much narcotics are probably exacerbating your pain.  NO doubt there are some conditions that are chronic, that require pain meds, but I'll be honest, a LOT of people really can go without...they have either never TRIED other things to deal with the pain, or they've just become accustomed to "needing" the pain pills.  With chronic opiate use, you will constantly be experiencing rebound pain, especially when your tolerance is increasing.  Lastly, you're abusing your meds, you're an addict, therefore, pain meds should be your very last resort for pain management.    

IMO, you need to make some drastic changes in order to be successful.  Those changes would be to start seeking out alternative pain management methods and accepting that you just cannot take opiates.  Having real pain and an addiction is a tricky situation for sure, but like I said, many people end up being surprised that when the smoke clears, their pain is actually much BETTER than it was while they were taking narcotics.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Nursegirl, thank u. I am aware of opiate induced pain and no doubt I suffer from it I'm sure. And I kniw I can deal with my pain without drugs. And to be titally honrst, ehen they found the problems on my MRI I was almost happy cause I knew it meant that scripts were comin my way.  How pathetic is that, huh?
I have done 4 different rounds of P/T, 3 different chiripractors, 5 spinal injections......
I have accepted that its just time to man up n deal with it.
as far as my sister, I am going to be moving in with her shortly. The pills will be in a safe that only my bro in law has access to. She is the most amazing sister........and shr had issues of her own. I hope by living with her I can help her with some of her workload around thr house. Its time to stop procrastinating, stop saying its too hard. Time to get my life back
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You know that I know your deal...I can see and I understand what you're trying to do here.  You have my support AND prayers! This is going to be hard for you and your sister!  Really, really hard...what I picture is you taking what she hands out and then sneakily getting "extra" on your own!

I hope not...and I'm rooting for you!  You're going to have to check in here several times a day so you stay accountable,OKAY??
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I don't think it's pathetic at all.  One of my dear friends, who found herself addicted to Percocet told me the same thing.  She was thrilled when she found out her gallbladder had gone bad.  She told me she would actually fake injuries to obtain meds.  She knew it was time when she actually contemplated harming herself (burns, cuts) to get a script.  

I think it takes a brave person to admit those kinds of things.  You know what you have to do, just a matter of doing it.  Please just stay true to yourself, as others have said even having someone give you the correct amount isn't a foolproof plan.

You have my support as well.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Vicki, u are absolutley correct. I have to square up and set some things right out of my next paycheck, but afer that my finances are also going through sis. I'm not saying that she has to handle all of my bills, but she will know and see where my $ is going. I make above average income and I PROMISED my son a vacation to the beach in florida nxt summer. A promisr that I will keep if it kills me. I fully admit I am too weak to do this on my own. But Thursday is do or die. Actually its do or rehab!!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
That's right! So you have a lot of great things to accomplish! Above all, don't let YOURSELF down...

I'm kind of giggling about Thursday being THE DAY. Today could be THE DAY, also. Couldn't it?

Do you see,what I'm getting at?

What exactly is your reason for not doing this RIGHT NOW?  What exactly are you taking right now?

Just trying to help you out...  :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The reason its Thursday is cause this months script was blown thru long ago. So right noe I'm doin what I can to get by. Also I owe someone and a few people owe me. I want MY script. My amount. And I want to be even with everyone. Actually if I don't get paid back I don't care. Just as long as I'm str8. I see what ur saying, but im doin what I can. I just want to start right. I know ive said all this b4. But now its not just me. And if I have to ill get my mother involved. And father. Etc etc etc.
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
I don't know. I've been following our posts, and (sorry) but what I'm reading is a bunch of excuses to use. And things like telling your sources to ignore your phone calls? You planning to make calls to your sources?
I've said this many times - based on my experience, life serves up hundreds of reasons to use every single day. You are mired in them; collecting them; listing them.
It's hard to detox - to stop using. Right now your head is in control and is keeping you a part of your addiction. You are believing your own BS. How can I say this? Because I did the same for 15 years.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It may not matter but I like to understand and I don't.  I don't get the Thursday thing. What you said is confusing. So, I'll ask the question:

What are you getting on Thursday? How can you get an rx when you blew through it this month??

So, you'll be off the patch?  Off the long acting Oxy? And just taking the Oxy by mouth?

I'm not trying to push you on this, I just like to know the score so I can hold your feet to the fire!   LOL
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thursday is when rx is refilled. I'm not makin excuses to use. I'm not getting high. I'm just taking enuf to b functiinall. If I wanted to get high id be choppin up lines and smokin the rest. Ive used so much beyond my script for so long, I'm just settin my goal right now to be just taking my prescribed amount. I know many think its time to just quit....,.but C/T from 200-300 mg oxy is just something I cannot handle right niw. I don't think I can handle it at all.
vicki-my script is 25mcg fent patch and 120 mg oxy. Although I think Dr may take patch away. I don't want to "use"  I don't want to take nything at all. Buy if I go into full blown w/d my wife will take my son from me. And if I have to continue to swallow some pills to prevent that from happening......I would swallow glass to prevent that.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Does your wife know all of this?  Why would she take your son if you're in w/ds?  

So, obviously, you plan on continuing your narcotic pain management, with the plan of taking everything as prescribed, right?  Is that forever, or just until you are "ready" to start tapering?  When will that be (taper)?  You're just not being real clear on the whole plan...kind of throwing out vague things here and there.

Obviously, in addition to your doc, you were getting meds elsewhere.  This is going to be rough for you, bud.

Wish you the best.
Helpful - 0
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