Well, I really SUCK!

[dee480]

Held off for awhile, doing pretty good.  Had access, took it.  Back at square one.  I can't believe I am so weak-willed when I used to pride myself on my willpower.  Just personally - personal willpower to do what I needed to do, whether anyone else knew about it or not.  And here I am.  No one knows anything about anything with me, and I have failed myself.  It's pathetic that I feel good right now, but...all that work down the drain.  I don't even enjoy feeling good anymore because I know it won't last and I know it's hurting my health.  Such a double-edged sword.  I am not even enjoying my current high because I know it won't last, I know I'll have to w/d AGAIN...and one really good piece of advice from this forum keeps popping into my head that is true:  as good as the high is, is how bad as the low is.  And rightfully so - that's only fair.  And it's true.  Fudge.  I'm really stuck.  sigh...I am so mixed right now - I'm on the high but I'm so disappointed in myself, so alone, and not even really enjoying it except for the fact that I'm not sick...which I know is coming so....sigh.  Man, I gotta buck-up and shake this...I really got myself into some bad news here.  dammit.   No comments necessary.  I know I suck.  Just kinda wanted to vent for a minute.  dangit!  good bye...I mean bad bye...sigh

[saddie6]

Hang in there dee and just continue to stay strong and realize that you always have our support in this journey. I cannot tell you how many times I've been in your position and how bad it can feel when you work hard to get clean only to stumble. But it's okay, dust yourself off and get back at it. Being addicts, you will continually be tested from here on out and day by day you need to build that strength, seek aftercare and change your entire way of how you approach things. When I finally realized I couldn't do it alone and sought treatment, things started to click. I cut off my supplier, told my doctor no more narcotics and even with that I get tested. Just the other day we lost power and had to run to my parents to take a quick shower. There in the bathroom my mom had a huge bottle of norco from her recent surgery staring me in the face. I walked right out of there not taking a single one and honestly I struggled with that decision a little, but I cannot tell you how great it feels knowing I won that battle. If I can do it, you can do it and you keep your head up!!

[ImDONENoMore]

Well said dane!

And dee - I don't know if you had issues with the depression before you began using?  If so, you should talk to the Dr. about that.

If not, then you could do what I did and that was taking St. John's Wort for the first six months after I quit.  I experienced almost no depression and I attribute that to the SJW.  Might be worth a try?  But check w/your pharmacist first if you are taking anything else, just to be safe.

[Dane74]

I understand the disappointment and the weak minded, i have been there as most of us have.  But its what we do now that matters, its what we do now that defies us, its what we do now that will change us, so get yourself together and start NOW.  You have to cut off your sources, otherwise you will continue to use, i promise you, you have to let your secret out, the truth shall set us free!!!  What are you going to do this time to prevent another relapse?  You do not suck, you have an addiction and that's what ***** not you!!!! So enough with bashing yourself, and put all that energy into getting yourself well:-)

[dee480]

so depressed

[dee480]

thanks guys.  I hear ya-I understand what you're saying.  appreciate it.  

[Brightfutureahead]

*the other way*. Man- I must be tired.

[Brightfutureahead]

Adding to that last comment...I know life is not perfect and there will be times wherenyou will be faced with looking themother way and doing right for yourself...but i've found that the less you have access to them (you know what I mean by that-cut ties, avoid triggers, stay away, be honest etc), the less you are faced with 'thinking through the buzz' in the first place...easier on the mind. Sry if this was a little ramble-like...it's getting late and I can feel myself getting tired...Thank God!!  ~sleepless in NJ

[Brightfutureahead]

Ok my advice may not be as inspiring (not being smart...all great advice up there...a bunch of smarties on this forum ;)

But....what I try to do it 'think through the buzz.' There has been times when I came close to grabbing something, then I think to myself, 'go ahead, take one. Then what are you gonna do tomorrow? Start this whole mess all over again?' Then i'd soon realize that I really didn't feel like riding that hot-mess express roller coaster ...and I got through the craving and moved on to other thoughts.

I dunno it worked (and still does) work for me...just thought I'd share some food for thought.

[Ben727]

Wow, I just have to say that the preceding three comments are as insightful, wise, and accurate as anything I've read here or anywhere. Dee, take the words above mine to heart because they're saying the same thing three different ways, and they hold the key to recovery.

Personally, I am not particularly wise or insightful, but I can say that I am really surprised at how little willpower has had to do with recovery. For me, it was like I was being blown around in a hurricane and all I did was make small, correct choices, one at a time, until I found shelter. Then, once I had made the correct choices, it's been a matter of simply being committed to the program.

I always imagined quitting as some kind of monumental struggle of will, mind over matter, kinetic energy kind of thing. I realize now that addiction and will are intertwined, and the more willpower exerted, the more addiction will twist it. The process of recovery for me has been more of a methodical exercise, more about long term commitment than short-term struggle. Don't give up hope! You can do what you set out to do, I think the advice of the three before me is your blueprint!

[Bkitty]

you have GOT to cut off your supply/access to these pills. Until that is done,,you will keep going around and around on the relapse merry go round. Stopping the pills-thats the easy part actually. Its staying clean and living a sober life making healthy choices and changing your habits,,etc that is the tough part. Its not an overnight deal. Its a daily battle for the rest of your life-some days pass with no problems some dont. You have to get involved in some type of aftercare-you cant just stop the pills and think this will all go away. It wont. Get used to the fact that you have to focus on maintaining sobriety every.single.day. You know what you have to do now. From here on out what you chose to do will define the rest of your life. Choose wisely. Choose sobriety and life. I know you can do this and you know you can too!! Hang in there ((hugs))~Bkitty

[kyle505]

Getting clean has nothing to do with willpower. In fact, if you depend on willpower to get clean it will never happen. Three things - cut all sources, tell your secret, get after care. You leave any of the three out and you relapse.
Speaking of which - yeah, you suck. But then so do I, and so does almost everyone who's tried to get clean. I sucked for over 15 years. You're not alone. Relapse happens - its what you do RIGHT NOW that will define you.

[ImDONENoMore]

dee - I promise you getting off the drugs has very little to do with willpower.  Maybe in the beginning cause you have to make the decision to quit, but to stay clean?  That takes work.  Meaning aftercare, meetings, I mean, getting clean isn't only about stopping the drug but it's about a whole new way of life.  

I say this a lot, but dust yourself off and start again.  No good comes from getting down on yourself for the relapse.  You need to learn from the experience but you can't let it stop you from trying again.

You know the drill here - so get going.  And don't be so hard on yourself.  You aren't weak.  You're addicted.  There's a difference and no amount of willpower is going to change the situation.  AND I cannot stress this enough.  REMOVE all access to your DOC or you will continue to relapse.