new to the board

[ed_blue]

I just found this board today while sitting at work not being able to work. I have been taking hydrocodone for almost a year and a half. At the first of last week and for months prior I was taking 15 - 18 10mg a day.I just stopped last thursday because I could not get any. Needless to say I have been in the pits. My wife has no idea and I feel lost. I tried drinking to ease the pain and that made it worse. I then resorted to trying cocaine thinking that would give me the energy to work. If you ever want to feel like DEATH just try that while you're going through W/D it was the worst experience of my life. I think that it is easing up a little today. I haven't had anything other than Ibuprofen today. I'm just glad that I can post this here I have no one else to tell this to and I feel awful. I have a building full of employee's that have no idea why I haven't talked to them in almost a week. I just felt like I needed to tell this to someone. Thank you for having this great place. My question is, my wife and I have not had the best relatioship since I started taking the hydrocodon and I'm not sure if I should tell her and ask her to help me. I think that it would put a strain on our relationship that we could never fix. Any suggestions. Again thank you.

[snowflake620]

You sound good today ED and cheezy is just fine here we can all use a laugh every now and then have a  great day! peace to you
snowflake

[ed_blue]

You are right about the websites you view. that's a good idea.

Today is day 8 and I am really feeling GREAT!!! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!! I just want to tell everyone if I (being the weak person that I am) can do it you can too. Set your mind to it and don't look back. I heard a story at an AA meeting one time about a guy who was allergic to peanuts. He didn't know exactly what would happen if he ate one, but he knew it would not be a good thing. So, you know what? He never ate one his hole life he avoided them at all cost. And he never had a single problem. It's the same with addictions, stay away from the peanuts, you now it's not going to have a good outcome. So don't touch one at any cost.Sorry for being chezzy. HAve a good day and good luck.

Ed

[morganave]

Just a thought as I read all of the posts here, becareful of what websites you go to when you are at work.  You may not want your boss or co-workers to know about your addiction or the fact you are out of meds.  If you can, use your own laptop or pc to read and post here.  I know you can not afford to lose your job on top of all of this, becareful.

[snowflake620]

good for you ed burn thoes bridges and never look back you will be so happy you did,life may look bleak to you right now but believe me in no time you will be that happy person again and your wife and children will have their true father back again it won't be long now so hang on  peace to you and prayers for all of your family too!
snowflake

[ed_blue]

Sue I'm determined to get mine back too. I miss how happy I used to be. The girl I have gotten the hydro's from has been calling me for days and I feel sooooo good because I just sent her a txt telling her I quit and to forget my # and name. Suprisingly she just txt me back and said good for you. That step made me feel good. She was my only contact and I hope she's gone out of my life for ever!!

Good luck to everyone going through this. I will be thinking of all of you even though I don't know you although I feel like I do only after 2 day's. Thanks for your support!!

Ed

[13093]

This string of posts have been extremely helpful and inspirational to me.  Thank you all.

The guilt is especially difficult.  Part of recovery, I am guessing, must be learning the ability to be loving and accepting to yourself.  To, instead of self medicating, care for youself in a different way.  I am not sure yet what that means for me.  I know that I have FORGOTEN the healthy way to problem solve the usual problems of life while I have been using.

Now I am 7 days off hydros and 4 days of Ultram-I am gradually getting better although there are still long waves of aches, weekness, heebie jeebies, and despair.

I am determined to take my life back.

sorry to be so corny...

Sue

[ed_blue]

Thank you for your kind words. This is so hard. And all of this positive feedback helps more than you know.

Ed

[HR_PuffnStuff]

Snowflake is right about the crying. I know that for a man it is harder but as a woman, I just let the tears flow. I felt like my body needed it and I usually felt better afterward. I remember one day about a week and a half in I was driving to the grocery store and a song came on the radio that really hit me hard. I cried so hard I had to pull over in the post office parking lot. People probably thought I was nuts. But when I was done, I felt better and off I went to the market. Swollen eyes and all. Take care and congrats on 6 days!

[snowflake620]

good to hear from you ED today is another day and you are on your way crying is normal and also good for ridding our bodies of toxins if you know what I meanLOL so cry away and please feel better,maybe trying to tell your wife will help relieve some of the guilt which in turn will help with the crying sorry rambling again i do that from time to time we all do! anyway hang in there and have a great day and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers
snowflake

[ed_blue]

As I sit here at my desk sobbing like a child after reading your posts, I want to thank all of you for sharing your experiences with me. I never knew there we other people who felt like I do. Today is day 6 and I feel slightly better. I did not tell my wife last night and she  continued to asked me why I was sad. I just couldn't bring my self to tell her. I will once urge to cry when I think about it is gone. I did however confide in my sister and it felt good to talk to her about it. She had no idea and was very positive and helpful. Again thank you all! Please keep me in your thoughts with the weekend comming. I will keep you posted.

Ed

[road2recovery]

Welcome...congrats on your clean time....I know the guilt you are feeling, we all do..I think the worst for me, was thinking i was doing a good job as a mom, then realizing , I was not...I hated the mood swings, that was not their fault..Or the mommy is sick in bed ,( i hate typing it also)...But that is what we do..We become someone else, and they have no idea why....BUT , my friend i will tell u, that your child can forget those times quick, and you can make up for lost time...I remember after getting clean, and hugging them, It felt amazing...Like i could really feel it..Also, looking in their eyes with a clear head, and knowing that they depend on me, and need me ...When we start laughing with them, and really feeling it gets easier, and you will feel the guilt leave...Please hold on to the thought, that your children are worth it, and so are you!!!
Keep up the fight!!  fight with all you have..
good luck
r2r

[CR_ST_NA]

WOW!! great post, very inspirational, i think everyone needed to hear that, gives so much hope. thanks for sharing it!! christina

[HR_PuffnStuff]

Very good advice from all. I can't tell you whether or not to tell your wife..I did not tell anyone (that includes my husband). In my case, I felt it would be better not to. I know the feeling of guilt that you are not being the best parent you can be. I feel like my son has been shortchanged in a big way due to my use in the past as well as going through w/d. I can say that once I was out of w/d the old me slowly started coming back in a big way. It was subtle at first....I would be with my son and then realize I was laughing and having fun....without pills! I know now that I am on an even keel most of the time. No up and down moods due to pills. He has a regular mom who doesn't go cranky all of a sudden and he doesn't have to wonder anymore what is wrong with me and did he do something wrong (that breaks my heart just typing it). I know that when I found this forum I felt soo much stronger. Not that I would wish this on anyone but to know that there are others just like yourself is such a huge boost. If they can make it through to the other side then so can I! And so can you. Also during w/d I would think back really hard to the person I was before I ever took a pill. I remembered walking my son in his stroller on a nice day and enjoying simple things. I knew I was that person once and I could become that again. You can too...God Bless you in your fight.

[CR_ST_NA]

my opinion, TELL HER. she probably suspects any way and and why add to your misery by having no support. i think the worst thing in the world is having an addiction and keeping it a secret. i think the secret is worse than the addiction. for me i never wanted to tell my husband because deep down inside i wasn't ready to give it up. i knew there would be accountability with him knowing. the funny thing is (well probably not so funny) is these things have a way of coming out weather you tell or not. we used to always say "you'll either come clean or some one will do it for you and it's usually the state of Montana" (or whatever state you're in) so glad to see you here, cause like i said the secret is the worse thing of all. very happy for you that you are being able to get this off of your chest. i'll be praying for you, no matter what your decision. and remember one thing weather you tell your wife or not, "WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE NEEDING TO GET GOOD, WE ARE SICK PEOPLE NEEDING TO GET WELL!!" god bless, christina

[snowflake620]

congrats on getting clean and welcome to the forum,tell your wife as it was said above she probably thinks the problems you are having are her fault and that is not fair to her you would be surprised at the amount of support she will be to you don't underestimate her love for you! good luck to you and again welcome to the forum,we have all been where you are and we will help anyway we can
snowflake

[lnz1986]

tell your wife. i was just in this situation (litterally 3 days ago) he felt the last 2 years i just didnt love him nemore. dnt let her feel like this. and if she loves you, shel love to help you. i love this forum. no1 knows (except my husband) about ths. and 4 days ago i quit ct. i was taking 10-12 norcos a day for 2 years. i cant even get high nemore. i just have tremendous guilt. i also have a 2 year old bb. so i cant just feel the wds forEVER. have you ever stopped b4? do you know how long they last?  ive been finding when i stopped taking the pills, how depressed i am. thats what the pills were for i guess. self medicating.this is what im trying (untill i get insurance for antidepressents and hopefully by then i will be done with the wds. i hear its 5-7 days. but ul have trouble sleeping for some time. so try melatonin and valerian root. both availabel at health food stores) this is what im trying st. jonhns wart for depression, valerian root to help you sleep, and excedrin back and body every 4 hours. for me the body aches and wrestless limbs are the worse. i hear at wallgreens in the vitamin isle they have this homeopathic pills called "restless legs" its $8. im getting some ryt now. it puts the limbs to rest so you can get some rest. ill let you know how it goes. (i have posts under "xanax for norco/methadone withdrawl" if it helps to relate)
i wish you all the power to kick this monster. u can do it..

[ed_blue]

I already feel a tiny bit better know that i can talk  here.

[gizzy32]

We all made poor choices as addicts. Life changes and we miss out on so much. I just don't want to see you go back and drugs just make problems worse. You are on your way to fixing this, so stick around and you will learn a lot. I am a cocaine addict and am so happy it made you feel sick. You don't want to mess around with this stuff. Keep posting and recovery takes some time, it's baby steps and things get so much better. You can do this.

[ed_blue]

Yes, I just did it for saturday and sunday. It was the worst feeling that I have ever had in my life. I hope that I never go through this again

[ed_blue]

Thank you wannabe, I don't know if I'm strong enough to tell her yet, but I'm going to try. The worst part of this whole thing has been how it is affecting my children. I know that they know I'm not the same person that I was. We don't play the same, we don't do anything the same. I feel like a horrible person, and I know that I'm not. I wish I could tell the world what this has done to me in order to stop anyone from making the same choices that I did.

[gizzy32]

Welcome to the forum! So this is your 5th day off the pills? You should be turning the corner soon, but I have to say that drinking and using coke for energy to help w/d's is not the way to go. Did you just try blow once? Don't take one problem and switch it to 2 more, it will take you down fast. I don't know your situation, but if it was me I would tell her, coming clean helps us and holds us accountable. Also it makes it more difficult to hide. You need to be careful here with these drugs. Quitting is easy, staying clean is hard and i suggest finding some type of aftercare and stop this pattern. Coke will take you down so fast.

[wannabefree330]

First, Welcome!!  You are not alone my friend.  Many of us have been where you are....Congratulations on quitting!  Do yourself a favor and make it permanent.  Don't be so sure your wife will react the way you think.  If you notice your relationship has been affected, she for sure knows something is up....and chances are she thinks it is her fault.  If she loves you, she will want to help you through this difficult time.  Sit her down and tell her you are not proud of what you have gotten into, but you want out and you need her help and support.  She may be angry or hurt, but that is normal.  She will definitely be thankful you told her and probably love you more for confiding in her.  The anger and hurt do not last, but if you continue to hide your secret, it will destroy not only your marriage, but your business and everything in your life.

we are always here for you.......wannabe