Why so crazy?

[Katya5555]

Day 10. Still feel like **** and went to an NA mtg last night where everyone seemed to be relapsing. The acceptance of it is making me want to use. Yesterday was the first time I had a desire to use, so I went to a second mtg in the evening. Now my brain is full of denial about how bad things really were, and I'm thinking I can continue to use. How is my brain acting so crazy? Need some supportive words.....

[10356]

I will be sending a Prayer that you flush you stash and that you find what you need in the AA meeting.. I admire your willingness to do what it takes to get clean.. Your honesty..lesa

[Katya5555]

Thanks everyone. I think I've got my head a little straighter for the moment. Just for today, right? I'm going to try to make the crazy early AA mtg where the people are admirable and positive. That's just what I need now. Friday there is a women's mtg where I think I might find a sponsor. I want to be sure I find someone who can be straight with me because I'm so manipulative and secretive. I need someone to see through my BS and press me to get real. They also must be compassionate, supportive and kind. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll stay all bottled up. That's what I'm most afraid of. The secrecy and isolation. Still on the fence about whether I can live without it.
Knowing the cravings will pass, and the promise of life getting better and in high definition helps. I also need to remember about HALTS ( hungry,angry, lonely, tired, and stressed). I always used on an empty stomach, so every time I get hungry its a trigger.
Lastly, MUST FLUSH STASH!!! Why am I making this hard on myself? Really stupid and stubborn ( and scared). I will try to take care of that by the end of the day! Today. Today.

[waterLilly7]

oh gosh i distinctly remember day 10. On day ten my daughter's friend's mom came over to drop off her daughter. I knew she wasn't a stranger to pain killers, as she went thru WD herself in rehab. I remember feeling good and bad at the same time about her answer. I asked her, My God, its day 10 and I am still feeling so horrible, and she said, "oh sweetie, it takes a month" and I thought, OMG, 20 more days of this!!!!!  but I felt good that she was giving me hope that it would end, at least in 20 more days.

What happened was I got milestones on the way. Day 15 was a big turning point as far as the anxiety and depression and just the listlessness. Day 30 was huge, and now I am back to normal again, thank God.

Stay the course, you are doing great!!

hugs,
Lily

[holagirl907]

Thank you all!  Great advice.

[GarbageAddict360]

Try different meetings... It took me a few weeks to find the best meetings for me.  I can understand your feelings, but like Kyle says regardless of what other people are doing, you have the ultimate decision to stay clean.  NA meetings can be hit or miss, but don't let your early experiences govern your future efforts.  Most people that are having trouble staying sober are the ones that share. Try to surround yourself with people with substantial clean time or those who display the characteristics that you find desirable.  We are all here for you through these trying times and remember DON'T PICK UP.

[selfinduced]

Hey Katya and Hola, I very much understand where your heads are on day 10. What worked for me was to write down all the darkness of the last 2 years using and all the heartache it caused. I had to keep reminding myself how if I used , I'd have to relive the detox as well as all the cat and mouse games of getting, counting, and freaking out when pills ran short. What about a private addiction councilor? It may not be an option, but take it from me please. Relapse is serious mentally and the physical just gets harder and harder. You both deserve a life without pills. If not now aftyer you have put so much work into detox, then when is enough , enough? More consequences, more damage, more defeat......Please, please. don't use and get  a support system of some sort. I care!!!

[ToPretty4Pills]

I am on day ten today. Yesterday was awful but, today is much better. I think for awhile we ware going to have good days and bad. I actually feel normal today. Hang on, everyone is different. We are transitiong between the physical to the menatl phase. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. Sending good vibes your way!!

[akitagurl12]

i relapsed so many times because of what you just described.  After a week or so, when the physical symptoms began disappearing, the mental part would start up.  I would talk myself into using, and afterwards I would always regret it.  Nothing good will come out of using.  Trust me.  If those meetings are triggering you, maybe wait another week or so, once this part passes.  Or find a different meeting.  Its ok to avoid triggers when we are first starting out.  Nothing is worth losing all your hard work over.  What you are going through is still part of the detox, and i think the mental part is harder to overcome.  But with time, it will ease up and you will even start having full days where the desire to use doesnt come up at all!  But you need to hold strong right now and realize it is all lies.  It is horrible being a slave to a drug.  Good for you for posting about this.  Hang on, it does get way easier.  I promise:)

[kyle505]

Relapse is a choice. No matter what is going on around you, you are the one who decides to stay clean or start the madness all over again. We are all faced with temptation at some point; if you put your roadblocks in place then you'll be able to handle what life throws at you.
Day 10 is fantastic but you still have a long road ahead. It's OK to look back so you never forget what you accomplished and where you've been. It's not OK to go back. Great job.

[10356]

I forgot Congrats on say 10 !! Double digits !! I sure hope you feel Proud of yourself.. If you ever need a reminder of why you quit just read the forum of peps telling their story's.. it will break your heart as You will see You in many of them, just as I see myself.....

[10356]

Hi Katya.. Maybe you should try a AA meeting... They accept drug addict as alcohol is a drug... From my own experience NA meeting made me crave they made me want to use. I'm a junkie it was difficult but in AA I had found a much more stable program. this was in the past. I'm not going now but maybe you will find a better fit. For cravings just take yourself out of the situation if you can go for a walk occupy your time with busy work They do pass.. I wish you the very best recovery.. lesa

[holagirl907]

I hear you on that one!  I have had to stay off here for awhile for the same reason.  The more I read about people relapsing, the more I told myself it was ok.
I am tapering down from a 2 week run right now.  I wish I had some advice for you , but I am struggling myself.

I will wait for some advice right along with you.