Where did the good old days go?

[GoodOldDays]

Hello everyone – first time poster here.  Been reading over the past several months, but never choose to participate.  At this point I’m so down on myself I thought it was a good time.

I’m very tired of everything, mostly myself.  I’ve tried many different ways to find my old self and I believe my hydrocodone addiction is root cause.  Never was a pill user, but 5 years ago I was found to have Atrial Fibrillation.  Many meds have since been prescribed.  Most of them have terrible side effects.  Most disturbingly is lack of energy and depression.  Almost 3 years ago I had some pain and was given Vicodin.  Wow – I found the energy that had been lacking and numbness to the things that bothered me.  We all know that doesn’t last long and then you use simply to function – at least that’s been my experience.

I’ve been able to not use for three days a handful of times the past 5-6 months but then I start again.  Somehow I’ve had limited withdrawal symptoms – some RLS, but the lack of energy and depression has been a tremendous problem.  I was on a 4-5 day bender recently taking 8-9 a day and then said enough is enough (again).  Dropped to 2, 1, & 1.  Had to take yesterday off from work because I didn’t have any energy or desire to move.  While I have no pills I do have access if I choose to swipe them (something that isn’t too proud to admit) or purchase them (dangerous, expensive, and also not something to be proud of).

I’ve read enough to know the answer.  Stop, deal with the withdrawals, and allow my mind and body to heal.  Start with a clean slate and see if the lack of energy and depression improve or if I need to seek the proper help.  I think I just needed to get this off my chest.  I’m pretty convinced people are starting to recognize I have a problem and I want to deal with this before it goes much further.

Thanks for listening and I do appreciate all of the people who’ve shared their stories.  I wish it upon no one, but knowing you're not alone helps.  Unfortunately misery loves company…

[GoodOldDays]

Good question - why wouldn't I post here doing the withdrawal phase? Maybe I will.  I'm a very private person, probably why I didn't post on here for months, but why else would I be on here if I didn't want or need some support.  I appreciate the suggestion!

I previously discussed my addiction with my doctors, including my cardiologist and have been assured that there isn't any concern with the A-Fib.  With that said I was cut off immediately.

Very happy to hear you're 80 days clean!  That's truly so awesome to read!  I love the saying that you don't need to be sober forever, just today.  I'm using that quote to get me by.

It's been 36 hours since my last pill, feeling a little tired, but overall I can't complain!  Thanks for the reply and keep it going!  Good thing for me is I love Christmas :)

[NeverAgain127]

Hi honey:  Why don't you post here during your withdrawal phase ?  We can give you the emotional support you are going to need when the depression and low-energy hits.

I'm a bit concerned about your cardiac situation. Does your physician know about the pain pills?   Be careful.....I dont' know enough about A-Fib to understand how it is affected by recreational use of opiods, but certainly you don't want to end up putting your life in danger.  

I'm 80 days clean today, and have TREMENDOUS lack of energy.  And depression.   (Could be partly situational; I hate Christmas.)   My doctor has started me on an anti-depressant...I really think I need it to keep me going.

Hope to hear from you again...!

Hugs,
-Robin

[GoodOldDays]

Thank you both for sharing your thoughts and ideas.  I certainly have a lot to consider going forward.  I've finished my taper and planned it so I am out of town with no ability to get pills. That allows me 3 days to get started.  I'm mentally prepared for this and fortunately I have Xanax (1 mg).  Which is much needed for certain occasions - these 3 days being one of them.  Face to face meetings with a large group.  Fortunately I've never found any reason to abuse Xanax.  It assists me with wicked anxiety and I'm very selective when I use it.  Could be a few days in a row or I could go 3-4 weeks without, all dependent on the situation.  Thanks again and wish me luck!

[jugglin]

Welcome to you and congrats for posting. Yes, our story is similar...as are many. I used vicodin for medical reasons and then found that I embraced the energy and the high.  Soon, yes, you are using just to get through each day. You should be proud of yourself for recognizing where you are and realizing what you need to do.
Have you given thought to aftercare?  Maybe counseling can help you sort through the depression issues. Many find success thru NA/AA, SMART, Celebrate Recovery, etc. Not all folks respond to one type of program, so try a few and find what works for you. It helps to talk about it, to figure out your addiction and how to stay clean.
Wishing you the very best!
Keep posting and stay close...many wonderful folks here!

[weaver71]

It sounds like you know the drill, just need some encouragement to go for it. One thing popped out of this post at me, "people are starting to recognize I have a problem." Well, if you are like me, then everyone knows there is a problem, they may not know exactly what it is, but people fessed up to knowing I had a problem a long time before I did. I asked why nobody said anything, accept my wife and kids, who definitely brought it up. Then it dawned on me, what are you supposed to say to an addict? I would have just been defensive about how I NEEDED drugs, until I was ready for help. It was not until I asked for help, that everyone who could see I wasn't well, jumped up to help me. I was expecting judgment, but those who actually like and love me, they are the ones who got me sober. I determined, for me, it was impossible to quit on my own. I tried in secret, I seriously tried it alone for 2 1/2 years, I had wanted to quit a long time before that. It was by no longer trying to hide or walk recovery alone that I finally found myself. It took a long time to walk out of the fog and couldn't see where my next step would land many days, because the fog got so thick, but one step at I time, the sun broke through and I could see the light again. Just keep reminding yourself you want this, go to any length, you won't regret the worst of it.