percs/oxys

[justagirl6]

I've been reading the posts on this forum all afternoon. It's a great thing to have. I feel I'm not nearly as "bad off" as some of these people but I am afraid I am addicted, nonetheless. And it's really scary.

So my story is that I'm 26 and have always had an addictive personality. Been a heavy drinker since I was about 20. Also smoked marijuana, a few bowls or bong hits or whatever a day, for five years. I quit last year because I started having adverse effects - panic attacks. Waves of sheer terror would wash over me. It was horrible. I quit smoking marijuana immediately. I'm the only person I know who had withdraw symptoms from marijuana - kind of like acid flashbacks, moments of unreality and feelings of insanity. That passed after about 6 months, but was terrifying and debilitating. Almost immediately after giving up weed, I started looking for a new high. As an addictive personality, I guess, I am always looking for ways to take a break from reality. I'm always, for lack of a more meaningful word, BORED.

An old roommate turned me onto percocets and I was in love. Since last August, I have been taking whatever amount I can get my hands on. For awhile, it was just, when someone offered me painkillers, I bought a couple, had a big night of fun or two. Now, I find myself seeking them out and getting upset when I can't find any. I never take them in the day, but the nights when I don't are getting few and far between. I eat/snort anywhere from 7.5 to 60 mgs of percocet or hydrocodone or oxys.

The guilt I've been feeling has made me very depressed. And last week, I had my first panic attack since last year, brought on by thinking about my new addiction. The last time I used was Wednesday night. I'm trying very hard to not seek out any more pills. I'm very afraid to tell my doctor too. Any advice on how to keep my brain in check when someone offers or when I'm having a bad day or the urge is just really nagging at me?

[justagirl6]

Well I first posted this last Friday. It's now Thursday and I've slipped twice. I finally told my doctor and my family. Some of them want me to go to rehab, some of them think I should give it an "honest try" now that I have their support. I have a new job and a new boyfriend. I can kiss all of that goodbye if I go to rehab. Honestly, I had very little of the physical symptoms. The depression is what gets me. I wonder, what the hell am I going to do all night? I can't just sit around sober and wait to get tired. But that problem is going to face me tomorrow night and I'm just going to say, yes, you can. And let it happen. God help me.

[MissRecovery]

Percocet and Oxycontin was my drug of choice as well...I know how you feel!!!

Your addiction will only get worse and eventually you won't be able to say you only do it at night.  Drug craving and drug seeking will put you on a very dangerous path.

[NoOC123]

Be careful it's a quick procession. I remember when I was 18 and first started using oxycontin I only used it ocassionally, then I started only doing it at night. Then I started needing it when I woke up and I started doing it in the mornings, then It became an obsession all day long. Then I would wake up so sick in the mornings that I had no choice if I couldn't do it I couldn't get out of bed. Ive always been a social drinker and liked to party but it never affected my life until I started getting into painkillers. I had to go to rehab a few times, I never would have thought id go to rehab. And I still cant stop, its not worth this struggle, save yourself and get out. This path is not one you want to go down. You deserve more.

[justagirl6]

Thanks Dav. I'm hanging in there.

[Dav125]

Try to understand the depression as it is. A byproduct of the percocet use to a large degree. It will lighten up for you but will take a little time. Try not to focus too much on it or dwell in it..You know its there, I know it's there Stevie knows its there and he and I know exactly where a major portion of that symptom came from..Look for positive thoughts in your day...Try to practice thinking about the good things you have to look forward to once you get this behind you. Because as hard as it is to believe right now, in a couple weeks you will notice a huge difference. If your stomach is still bothering you, have someone get you some immodium and use it for a couple days. That will make you a little more comfortable and normally around the 5 or 6th day most of the stomach issues subside...Sleep is still going to bug you for awhile but there again, see it for what it is. A consequence of the percocet use .That will pass too..You "have " to start working that belief in your head for strength. Not only for strength, but to home in on a positive thought as things will get better..They will....

[macdaddy1]

Been clean for  a year on May 15 , 2011 what you need to do is get help I  had trouble asking myself but eventually asked for it .My life is 10x better now then it was almost a year ago ,you need to detox professionally it does work I was on 120 to 160 mg a day of Oxycontin for about 7 to 8 years And there is programs if you don't have insurance I have 3 young girls a great job that I always had and they worked with me .It was better going to rehab for a few days then losing everything At least go to a narcotic anonymous meeting there everywhere they'll show you the way .I didn't think I could ever do it,I haven't been on this sight since I got clean but I can tell you what I never posted but read probably every old post on here by likes of Flaadict (forget actual name )but was close to this There is a lot of great stuff on here to help for time being but the only thing that helped me personally was asking for HELP .I can honestly say I would go on this sight when I didn't have anything (Jone sing) or when I just wanted to stop while I was high and look at or shall I say to see if other people were going through what I was going through Good luck to all and remember don't be ashamed to ask for help,

[steveies]

My acute WD consist of all over body, joint, muscle pain, sick stomach, the runs, hot flashes, cold flashes, goosebumps, depression, crying spell, severe rage and anger, sweating , insomnia, severe exhaustion, twitching, restless legs and arms.  Sounds like you are having mild WD.  Take your lumps and get out now!

[justagirl6]

Insomnia and stomach problems yes. But they are nothing compared to the depression.

[Dav125]

The panic attacks are physical to a degree due to blood pressure rising and wd stress on one's system, but at the same time can create or enhance the perception of a major panic attack due to the lack of knowledge about what opiate wd symptoms consist of..

Are you having any of the other physical symptoms I described above??

[justagirl6]

And I am definitely feeling withdraw. My panic attacks are back. I start having the should I shouldn't I argument in my head and it always ends with me asking myself questions about suicide. It's terrifying.

[justagirl6]

Thank you all for your input. I have decided to tell my doctor at my next appointment because I don't feel I have the strength to say no anymore. I am really turned off by NA..simply because in my small town I will know everyone there and everyone will know me. I need something more private.

[steveies]

So true Dav.  The depression felt in the trows on horrible WD is like nothing I have ever felt before.  I didn't think it was possible to be that depressed, I can't even describe it to others.  I don't wish it on anyone.  If you are not feeling WD, considered yourself getting your 1 get out jail free card.  I got one years ago, when I weened off the 1 time out of many, and didn't see the writing on the wall.  The many times I have failed at weening, I always thought back to the time I did it, thinking I can do that again but it never happens for me.  The bottle of pills, when I had them, was like a devil on my shoulder, "come get some more, you got plenty, start tapering tomorrow".  Guess what never happens?

[Dav125]

One thing I see missing in your story here is any mention of withdrawals..If you have had nothing since Weds, are feeling depressed some, you are getting a huge free pass here. Withdrawals consist of insomnia,diarrehea, aches and pains like the most horrible case of the flu you've ever experienced during the first 3 or 4 days of stopping useage. If you have been void of what I have described, walk away now, get to an AA meeting, NA meeting, therapist, or some supoort group outside this forum to cease any further use. If you cross the line of physical dependency to the opiate base that makes up percocets, or hydrocodones (vicodin,norco,lortab and who knows what other names they have), you will get raked over the coals in both a physical and mental fashion you never could even conceive as being a byproduct of using these pills. The depression in fact could be directly related to the percocets and you not using for the past couple of days.

I don't care how weak you feel about this or have your mind convinced that "just get a couple more and I'll feel better" is the solution your thoughts are trying to tell you right now..Once you cross a certain line, the withdrawals will rip you a new rear end and take what depression you have now to levels you never could conceive of either..

Stop now, don't even test the waters with those anymore..I'm dead serious. You don't want to learn the hard way..You have been granted a break "so far" as to what consequences await you should you continue..They will sneak in, they will shut your emotions down, and they will put you through a week of h*ll just to begin to get thru the withdrawal process from these demons.....I guarantee you that making this decision to part company with them now will be one of the most important decisions you make this year.....You just don't want to learn the hard way, you just don't....

[medicos]

At last i found someone who, like myself, had no compulsion to indulge into drugs but got trapped into this viscious circle of addiction. Anyway,it is better to stop  beacfde

[swflafun]

Hi and welcome to the forum. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of the path of addiction. Its a one way street unless you decide its time to stop using. Your doses, frequency and depression will all rise. These pills slowy and quietly consume you. You admit the nights you don't use are getting fewer and farther in between, all it will do is snowball into full blown addiction. None of us ever expected to be in that position, trust me, but that's the facts of this diease. I can totally relate to your "bored" remark, been altering my reality for 25+ years now. I would suggest you remove those avenues of people that offer you the pills, it is a major obstacle if you truly want to be free of the pills. Speak to your doctor or maybe an addiction therapist and explain your situation.
I promise you one thing, now is the time to address this. You don't want to wake up at 30 and realize you can't even get out of bed without snorting a 30mg pill to feel "normal". It will happen quicker than you can believe. You have to truly want it. You are at a major crossroads here, either you can stroll down that one way street that we all have or resolve this now and get your life before it goes too far down that road. We've all been down that road, some farther than others, and no human being should ever see what's at the end of it. Make the right choice, you know what it is. Best of luck, keep posting, this forum is a wonderful place.
Gary

[udoschoices]

you may want to check out AA/NA meetings. I know it seems like "that's not me" but actually, it probably is.. i didnt think so either, but snorting pills and smoking weed every day for 5 years is not normal behavior. The feelings of boredom, depression, irritability are symptoms of a larger problem that you are self medicating to escape.. i resisted going to meetings for 4 years until my problem got WAY out of hand, snorting, eating pills by the handful - and i've still been struggling but going to meetings has helped me SO much that i'm on the right path finally after so long.

talking to a counselor also would help - but just walking into an AA/NA meeting (i like AA personally, even though pills were my drug of choice) and just listening will open your eyes to the fact that you are not alone, and other people have been right where you are now and found a way to live without substances.. believe it or not, meetings are  not about "not drinking or using drugs" its about how to live sober.

[steveies]

Welcome.  You need to go see a doctor or get into treatment.  You know yourself better then anyone and from what you have said, you have an overall addiction problem.  That depressed feeling you are having now, will only get worse if you stay on these pills.  You can still get out now before it gets worse.  I have had many WD times where I actually just wanted to die.  I'm doing better right now then I have ever done before and my addiction to opiates was way higher then your current dose.  Please, whatever you do, get a hold of this thing now.  It will only make emotional problems worse with time.  You CAN beat this.