Sorry folks, relapsed.

[Fireby29]

Well, gotta come clean.  After being on day 56, I spent 10 days using 20mg's a night.  I got my hands on 20 norcos, and this after I really had thought I had cut off supply.  I had passed a test earlier, but failed on June 20th.  They came from my mother (argh!), and I was just weak after dropping my father off after I had taken him to the doctor.  I suppose the good news is I feel fine, no anxiety about them being gone, just a bit embarrassed and annoyed with myself that I caved.  I don't have any urge to go seek out anymore, I just hope none fall into my lap again.  I sure am not ready to say no to that unfortunately.  As much as I have bucked going to na, maybe that is where I have missed the boat.  Gotta be honest, still do not want to, but I have to admit it might have helped.  Anyway, I have searched a bit as to why I caved, hard to say really.  I just like how they make me feel, could it be that simple??  Anyway, I just wanted to apologize to everyone, and let you know I plan on getting past 56 days this time and hopefully never use again.

Bryan

[kyle505]

Bryan:
I personally don't believe that the mental craving will ever go away. I've waited for 15 years for that to happen, and I'm still waiting. That's the reason so many responses to your posts have been about aftercare. It is not perfect, but it really helps to be in a room with other addicts; you can just sit and listen for a while if you want. But being with others like you offers exposure to ideas - maybe a different approach to handling addiction. And don't be so sure that you'll never seek out pills again. Without some sort of support and aftercare, over time you become comfortable with being clean and your head starts the "just one won't hurt" crap. Anyway, I wish you only the best. We all have to to everything possible to stay clean - I don't think that we can pick and choose what we want to include in our recovery program.

[Fireby29]

Thanks for the replies folks, and no worries about being too harsh with me, I prefer the unvarnished truth.  I appreciate the quality advice and caring.  There is no doubt that I made a lot of changes that got me to where I was, but clearly I need to make some more.  I feel at peace about it, I know that I am not ever going to seek any again, but the next phase must include a way to stop the unlikely or fluke situation.  I plan on taking a look at NA and seeing for myself what is up with it.  The more I have thought about it, the scariest thing for me is that it seems likely it will never go away.  I'm not having any detox with this at all, but that desire to use may always be there and I guess I have proven I need all the stops to help.  I was sure hoping I was not going to need it, that it would go away someday, but that's naive.  Just gotta stay positive, it is weird though, the whole 10 days I wanted them gone quicker!!!!  I'm serious, but not enough to flush.....odd....I had never felt that before, used to be I always wanted them to last.....

Bryan

[Bones216]

Bryan,
Don't beat yourself up too bad. You are a very smart, determined man how slipped. Your mother can't force you to take them, thats all on you. Get back into your groove, next time give a big NO THANKS, and get out of there when the cravings are kicking in.
You can and will do this.
Very proud of your honesty, that is a sign that your head is where it needs to be. Remember 110% committed, everyday.
Peace bones

[Sonrissa]

Hi Bryan, I'm so very sorry to read this! I know you won't give up! Learn from this and begin again! I wish you the very best! Everyone before me has pretty much said it all! Take care!

[kyle505]

Another reason aftercare is important - a sponsor.  Someone you can call when you feel weak, or when you find yourself facing temptation. The folks on this forum have put a lot of effort in to helping you - now its your turn...do something to help yourself or you'll be back with another "sorry folks" post.

[CATUF]

" I just hope none fall into my lap again.  I sure am not ready to say no to that unfortunately"

well, then you will use again, because this is a PLAN to use WHEN they fall into your lap.  

if you want to get clean and make it into sustained recovery, you need a much better plan. your idea to try NA is a good one.  AA may be a good fit too - either way (or both), a meeting or two here and there won't do much good.  these 12 Step programs can work miracles, but not until you IN the program, as opposed to AT some meetings.

in either program you will learn that the way to recover is truly one-day-at-a-time.  what you might do on whatever day in the future when you run into some is of little importance -- that's not happening right now.  what is happening right now is today, and your assignment in recovery is to not-use TODAY.  no matter what, don't use today and it will be a successful day in recovery.  

it doesn't matter if you've always relapsed sooner or later in the past. you're not a relapse that's going to happen at some unknown point in the future, you're a drug addict that's not going to use today, no matter what.  

you can do that.  you've proven that -- you did it 55 days in a row!! now start again, but this time focus only on the day your in. the days will add up as you don't use one day at a time, but don't worry about that.  note the days and celebrate the milestones, but keep your focus on the one day in which you can do somtething about your disease -- TODAY.

don't use today
work on your recovery today

CATUF

[akitagurl12]

maybe telling your mom about your struggles with the pain pills would help too.  I haven't found any random pills or have been offered any since I quit.  I would love to say i would say no, but of course i can't predict the future.  Personally, i think it would be a total trigger if my mom offered me some....i can already hear the bargaining that would start going on in my head...well it's not coming from the dealer, it's mom!....it's not so bad, mom is giving them to me....it's been long enough, i can handle it..... Yeah, that would be a hard one for me.  Thank you for sharing.  It gave me something else to consider and prepare for....the unexpected free offerings.  it sounds like u learned some valuable insights from this relapse-aftercare, so please forgive yourself and do what u have to do to get to protect your soberity.  

[kyle505]

We relapse because we can...
I go on and on about putting up roadblocks, cutting all sources, etc., but a situation like you've just experienced is something that we can't predict. If you are still thinking about and liking the way the pills make you feel, and you are still not in some sort of aftercare, then you will relapse again. I'll probably get jumped on for writing that, but it's the truth. As Vicki said on my post yesterday, you can't strong arm this addiction. If certain things aren't put in to place early on, then you are going to use.
I BSed myself for over 15 years; I hope it doesn't take you that long to wise up.

[quitinoxys]

Hey you don't need to apologize just dust yourself off and get back on the road to sobriety. Most of us have relapsed and understand but the key is figuring out what you are going to do different this time to stay clean. Also I know I am always harping about aftercare but it will be you saviour. Aftercare is key in making down the road to sobriety. God Bless---Rick

[ladybug7380]

Been there..too many times. Way to go for 56 days. I usually hit about that mark and then think..if I just do them one day. Next week..if I just dont do it more than two days, three days..a week. Blah. On day 7 this time and all I can think is to cut my supply..where ever it comes from. I have a call planned for monday morning to my mother in laws doc. I know some people would think dont do that but Im not wanting to deal with "Do you need anythiiiinnggg?" and since you dont take them lady, no you dont either. Just jump back on the band wagon. It makes it shameful but I wonder if we are more ashamed of ourself than what other people think about us? It happens but I really think when you want to change you will. Just dont get to thinking I can do it every now and again...its not that simple. Well good luck to you..I wish you the best on this journey. :)