My partner is on crack, He is the most caring, loving person and I can see crack is ruining him but he wont get any help for it, what can I do to emotionally help him and what is the best thing for me to do?? Im stuck, in love with a crack smoker!

[heartbroken25]

I have been going out with my boyfriend 4 quite a while now and he is the loveliest, most kind hearted generous person I know but he smokes crack. Its wierd because i always had the perception that crack users needed a fix all the time every day, but my boyfriend can go nights without it even if it is sitting there on the bedside cabinet. I do see signs of anxiety though, like he cant sleep and he will eat constantly and start cleaning the room whilst we are in bed watchin dvd's etc... When he does smoke crack, he starts talking about things like the whole world is against him and all he has seen in his life is pain etc... I know he has been through alot but all I see is negativity and gloom. He talks about trying to get away from the devil alot and all the faith he has in God but im starting to wonder if this is all crack talk because his way of thinking is all abit extreme and strange to me. When he is on it, he is quite affectionate and likes talking about our relationship and his feeling towards me which I dont know whether they are real or fake but when he is off it he is very distant and less affectionate with me.  As time has gone by he has become very selfish and does not consider my feelings anymore. If im upset or hurt he will simply cut me off and not see me or have any contact with me till a week later in which that week i dont know or atually, im pretty sure he is with other women to get his mind off his life and depression. He says he loves me and cares 4 me more than anything but I dont know whether I believe him anymore. I used to believe him but if he is cheating on me and acting this way with me I dont know how to feel. Iv tried leaving several times but he always drags me back in emotionally saying he shows me more love than he has ever shown anyone and that he doesnt want me to ever leave him.... what do I do and is his behaviour a major part of his crack habit??? I love him and dont want to leave him because I can see he is destroying his life and he doesnt deserve it! He doesn't want to stop smokin crack, noone can make him but what can help??? he wont go to rehab or anywhere so emotionally what can I do4him 2mhelp or make him have hope n feel better??? This is very emotional because he is such a lovely, caring person with a big heart... he doesnt ever want to hurt anybody.

He also makes alot of money which he very hard for. he does it all for his mum, me and his sons... being on crack im suprised that he still does his best to provide 4 his family, which he ''says'' comes before the crack.

[dougiequick]

I know no one wants to hear it,  it is not politically correct or whatever, but one size does not fit all.  There are all kinds of drug users with much different outcomes than the classic spiral into destruction.  Much like there are drinkers who do not lose their whole life to a bottle.  Different bodies, different mindsets.  I personally have dabbled with every kind of drug including hard drinking, needles, ...the whole gamit.  I'd be lying if I said I never went overboard and never got all screwed up in the head because I have been there too.  BUT I never did the classic all the way down the tubes, where I lost everything or wound up homeless etc....It just was never end me to be THAT self destructive....Actually though I did go spiritually all the way to the bottom because It was not that I could not quit any time I wanted to,  it was that I honestly could not find a reason to...this life is so short and so meaningless unless your own body chemistry is rewarding you with some kind of high where you can conince yourself that it IS worth it...without that natural "gift" it is so easy to choose drugs.  FINALLY what has allowed me to turn is a different kind of gift...that gift?  Is choosing something else besides THIS life with or without favorable chemistry ...choosing instead the HOPE of what is beyond this tiny short little briief blip o a life.  The Bible is the most published and influetial Book in the history of this world...I had read some from it before and knew even then that there is something so amazingly RIGHT about it....something beyond what religious people say it is even...THAT is finally what I have chosen...what I had all along been drawn back to I do believe.  IT alone has been a good reason to live!  Nothing else holds that kind of sway on me....Lord willing I am "all in" to the end in such great hope of something MORE than anything else?!?!?  The Bible instructs "Let God be True and EVERY man a liar".  Cover to cover it is Spiritual truth hidden in things that might SEEM to be intended to understand literally/carnally but I am persuaded that is the SNARE for sinful man to lust after and it is the HIDDEN that ought to be sought for!   Proverbs 25:2 (KJV)
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.

Romans 8:6 (KJV)
For to be carnally minded [is] death; but to be spiritually minded [is] life and peace.

if you want to ask me to show you why I HOPE SO MUCH now you might find me on facebook doug in orange ca

[jayeye]

right now his first love is his drug......addiction is powerful and it consumes you.

he might not be with other women he may be isolating himself thats what drugs do.  Or your susspessions could be true....either way hes not being honest with you.

my x used to say at least i know hell never cheat on me.....and she was right i didnt care about other women or goign out or anything if i wasnt with her i was getting high and she knew it

[kellygirll]

you staying with this guy will harm your son more than taking him away from his "step dad" you guys are not safe around him if he is using crack which it sounds like he is i know you think no not him but just look around really look around and pay attention you will figure it out by yourself best of luck to you and your son

[future_girl]

hi i am 22 years old and i have a 3 year old son. well ive been in this relationship with this guy sence my son was 4 months old. after me and the guy got toether a month later me and my son moved in he addmited he used to smoke crack and he has been clean for 4 years. together in 2010 and now 2014 so. After moving in about a year later i notived he would stay out late a night until 3am, he would hang out in the bathroom for an hour if not more. now that its 2014 last year i founf 3 crack pipes and a crack stem, he swears up and down they were his best friends who he grew up with which he is currently smoking crack as well. his son and daughter in law moved in with us for 5 months no signs what so ever but they always had weed so that counter acted the thoughts o going and getting crack i believe. now that they finally moved out, 2 nights in a row staying in the bathroom for over an hour again and i found these gold things (pieces) that they use to put in the pipe to hold the crack in. well i needed some advice he doent want to get a job all he wants to do is hustle 20 a day and its gone 5 mins later, he wants me to work pay all the bills. i also caught him snorting coke in our bathroom 2 years ago as well. my biggest concern is my son 3 years old almost 4 he calls him dad which hes step dad and im worried this will devastate him mentally and emotionally, ive thought of so many times of leaving but this issue scares me in your own opinion and advice what can you provide, im young never lived by myself on my own and worried if i leave would it hurt my child. Please let me know some quidence would help!

[Lionheartme]

I became the victim of a very bad attack from my ex. I did'nt know what crack was, or the addiction of crack to recognize it in him. We were dating and the signs were there but I never realized because I was too naive. I became pregnant and we moved together. Then I started missing jewelry, he kept leaving and not responding. Spent all the money when he got his pay check. Did not seem to feel a sense of shame or regret for his actions. The more I tryed to figure out, the more I became obsessed with his addiction. How could he not love me and his daughter enough to get clean. After the baby was born there were 2 years of hell and moving together and him leaving again to his parents house. Him going to rehab staying clean max 2 months and going back. Finally we did not live together, but I guess I was part of the whole cycle because he would want to move back and try to act clean. He wasn't clean nor sober. I wanted to believe him, but I kept my self so busy that I didn't realize I was addicted to his addiction. I felt more responsible but very lonely and hurt when he wasn't there. I would drink to make my pain go away. Anyway I never realized that crack has a sexual addiction that comes with it also. I never realized that when he was out all of those night he was sleeping with rrock stars ( crack prostitutes). It is so nasty. I get sick to my stomach. One night after I refused to answer he came to my house all drunk at 5 am. I let him in. After he said how much he loved me he fell asleep. I couldn't stand him. I went to sleep in my daughters room. About 9 am I tried to wake him up and looking thru his pocket for his phone to call the friend he was working with I found this id ( Evelyn Gonzales 1981) wtf. I wake him up and I wanted him out and that is when I suffered about 2 hrs of torture, I thank God for being alive. See I let my pain cloud my judgment. I should have not said anything and just let him go. Everything happens for a reason. He ended up doing 3 years of jail. The whole time I got the most apologetic letters and senciere sharing of his problem. He swore he would be a better man. I didn't believe him but I still want a father for my kid, a healthy father. He came out. In great shape, strong will, but he was still narcissistic I noticed. Anyway he was getting attention from the ladies ( we women r not the smartest when it comes to recognizing aholes) he was working. Acted very jealous even though we did not get back together. He wanted me (part of the cycle) back. It had been about 2 months and I believed that he would never go back. He seemed very strong willed. I still had a hard time communicating with him because according to him I had changed. Of course I had. I had to start loving my self and realize he was sick, I had to heal my self because I was sick with him. Love is a big thing and we all want to have that normal special person just like other people do. Why couldn't I have someone normal, that I loved. Anyway I had to be alone for a long time and read a lot to understand because he wasn't going to give me any closure. I was trying to be there for him and maybe understand at the same time that it wasn't just crack that was the reason. He was the reason. His train of thought. Selfish, unhumble, narcissistic. Don't get me wrong he can be all sweet hard working talented loving person. That is true. But only because he wants me to be back with him. The " chase". Get it. Anyway he just relapsed after he just texted me ( you are my everything). He is back in jail of course because he was so done with his addiction that he had to go and buy crack while he had a curfew on parole. I am glad he relapsed. Maybe now he can be humble and understand that addiction is a complex disease. It has a lot of things that are involved with triggering and evolving it. Just because you are clean it does not mean you are sobber. The same thing I say to my self. Just because I was clean of him it didn't mean I was a healthy woman to recognize fully his behavior and not let myself fall for any of his nice promises. So the reason I am here is to tell anyone dealing with a crack addict RUN. RUN as far as you can. Get yourself sobber of him. He can only clean himself. Even if he does he needs to recognize his disease. He needs to understand he will be an addict, but he will be a recovering addict. These are very important realization and you have to recognize denial within yourself. We can't change him. We can change ourself. So for any broken heart. Tearfull eye out there please wipe your tears and love life and move away. When he is healthy you will know, and maybe that means he might need to be healthy without you (part of the cycle). Love me.

[Ballgame]

You replied to a post that is 3 years old. Would better off starting a new thread.

[Settingboundaries]

I'm in alanon.  And have started setting boundaries.  My husband of 15years,  has been in two rehabs. And currently living in a half way house . He came home 2 weeks ago on a bing to use.  Toke his paycheck and wrote check out of my account   Pawned stuff at the house. During all this I'm working  two jobs.  I have my daughter at home who is 24 years old just out drug rehab and on top of that has eating disorder and it is ranging can not keep food in my house for her binging.   And has started going out to party   .  As for my husband. I told him I will no longer ride the roller coaster he choosing to ride and he just was ok and went back to his halfway house.   My daughter is still very determined to do her own tjhing. She is out of control and at my expense I'm tired.    It is hard to help someone who chooses not to help themselves.  What do I do.  I know the pain will ease on time but I have no support except alanon.    

[BlueOpiate]

I'm afraid I agree with gizzy, and I'm very sorry you are going through this.  I lost a friend to crack, a very good friend I knew for many years.  Before crack he was a friend I could count on to be there no matter what I did or what had happened.  In the end, he used me, stole from me, and left me in a real bad spot that I had to take the fall for.  I saw the same warnings you did but still trusted and wanted to believe in him.  You know the answer to this problem, he gets help or your done, it's that simple.  I know this is always easier said then done and you have time and love invested in this.  It's not easy and I'm sorry but most crack addicts have to lose things very dear to them before they seek help.  You sound like a wonderful, loyal person.  You being out of his life, sadly may compel him to seek help.  You ask what can you do to get him help, really he is the only one who can want to get help.

[ImDONENoMore]

Hi myrie and welcome - I'm so sorry you're going through this - post your situation on a new question thread and I'm sure many members will reply to you - the older threads tend to get overlooked.  Good luck to you!  :)

[myrle23]

After years of physical abuse, I was finally able to get out of that relationship.  Four years ago I met a wonderful man who was kind and made me feel really loved.  I didn't know too much about crack, but discovered a pipe and some wire in his pants pocket.  He was secretly doing crack.  He told me that he only does it occassionally, but soon after I noticed that at the end of the work week he was almost broke.  He always had excuses to where the money went.  Then he started stealing money out of my purse.  He would steal money I had put away for our bills.  I then started hiding my money, which was really strange to me.  I've never had to hide money from someone I loved.  Without my knowledge, he started having someone bring him the crack and he would do it in the bathroom.  When he came out of the bathroom, it smelled like crack and he definitely looked high and acted so weird.  Of course, he denied using it.  I was so embarrased and afraid someone would see him like that.  I've tried to get him to admit that he's an addict, but he refuses and always promises to never do crack again.  If he drinks too much and becomes intoxicated, he becomes violent because I refuse to give him money or my car keys.  I think the hardest part to all of this is that I absolutely have no trust in him.  I have not told anyone about my problem.  I definitely don't want my family or friends to know.   I know I don't want to live like this.  I am very depressed and have no where to turn.

[trimama]

I have the same situation.
The disappearing, the other women, the lying, the gloom talk, the selfishness.
Where once I had a caring friend, now I have a self-absorbed jerk who will use me up and throw me to the side like so much chewed gum...all because of crack.

[leeisgettingclean]

you ask what can you do to help him, lets turn it around , your man knows you are going to leave if he does not stop using, what do you see him doing?......hummmmmmmmmmm, if he is like any crack head i have ever known(even the "nice and caring" ones), he would prob let you go. Drugs are overpowering, people loss controll, loss emotions, we stop caring. He might love you, but if you try to get between him and his drug, you might see the devil in him.

[PfizerFighter]

You have to be firm with him, tell him that you love him and care a lot for him, and that is why you cannot stand beside him if he is going to continue smoking. Unless he accepts your offer of help to get clean, you will have to walk away. He is hurting you both, whether it is casual or daily usage.

[worried878]

I believe he is a caring and good person..but addiction knows no boundaries...nice, mean, ugly, pretty, smart, poor, rich...addiction doesnt care..if u have the tendency toward addiction doesnt make u a bad person..just someone who will have to keep a long term plan so as not to slip into darkness

crack is not physically addiucting like narcs or benzoscomparable to cocaine..mentally it a hard addiction to beat///and for narcotic users.it is the hardest component tio beat,,the mental will get u just when u tgought things we great//always look over ur shoulder as relapse is but one pill or one snort, smoke away for an addict...always

often the drugs can take away the qualities u r speaking of..the compassion and the good provider values he has..often in the end/unless the person quits/the drug will eventually win...just depends on the fight the useer decides to do//or how hard they r willing to fight

addiction doesnt get better...only worse..good luck...can he post here?

[mtgoat911]

nar-a-non, this will totally change your life
my husband continued to use matience drugs when i got clean, it took me a while but i finally started going to nar-a-non
the best book i can offer you in this situation is called
paths to recovery............................................................
if you read this book and it does not help you, send me an email and i will reimburse you for the book
i am serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we do become as sick as the addict, it is a family disease, take action for yourself now

[gizzy32]

I think your in total denial, sorry. You say how he is so loving and caring, yet you think he's with other women and selfish, does not consider your feelings, and all you see is negativity, and he's smoking crack! He does not want to quit so please understand he will take you down with him and continue this behaviour. Crack is an evil drug and the mental part is something most will never understand and very tough to stop without help, but he does not want to quit so it won't happen. I think you need to think about YOU. Im sorry if this sounds harsh, but I was around this drug a lot and see the damage it causes and you don't need to be a part of this if he wants to keep using and treating you like dirt.

Nothing comes before crack to someone that is addicted to this drug. Have you ever heard of alanon? I think it could benefit you a lot. I wish you the best, I just feel bad that you have to go through this with him, but you don't have to. Good luck