the deepest, longest rut

[groundhog_day]

Hello everyone - last year around August I started posting on this board about my addiction to codeine, and around mid-November at the conclusion of college exams I detoxed and stayed clean for about 9 days, very much with the help and support of people here. Then, I took some tablets - I had withstood the physical woes, but then a craving had lodged itself in my head, and I did not do anything to dislodge it - I didn't tell anyone, I didn't take action, I let it germinate until wham! off I went and took a tiny number of tablets, "just this one time".....

That turned out to be a far reaching decision, because here I am 10 months later, in the same groundhog day/week/year/life, only older, physically more unhealthy and with spririts that are just about broken. In the past ten moths:

I have detoxed and tried to detox at least a dozen times, up to 5 days clean at a time, often not even 24 hours clean
I have tried weaning and "controlling" intake
I developed bleeding ulcers and kidney problems
My health has become worse and worse
Had to stop college and am just working part time now
My motivation and pleasure in life are gone, and I have no idea how to stop these damn tables. Like the chicken and the egg, is it that the tablet addiction is making me unhappy or was I unhappy and started taking tablets and keep taking them to get my five seconds of pleasure per day? Probably both.

So I am trying again as of Monday, and since this board worked the first time as a wonderful support system, perhaps it will help again. The two complicating factors for me are that a) where I live my tablets are available over the counter, so there is an abundant, easy and affordable supply and b) I have tried just about everything in my long history of addiction and I am scared at how little expectation I have of success. It is as if somewhere along the line, because of my repeated failures, I have come to believe that I won't make it - and as we know, one's beliefs are so influential in determining outcome.

Its as if part of me does not want to stop the tablets, and that part shouts louder than all the other parts that are fed up, bored, scared, and sick and tired of this constant pharmacy shopping that I do.

Its nice to see a few familiar names from last year, and good to see so many new people too.

Alexandra Fox

[Coolio Hernendez]

You know a part of what you said really ring's true........and keep taking them to get my five seconds of pleasure per day....That is what i was doing. I rember the 1 st day on Suboxone i had a moment of clarity and i thought......Wow i take those pills like every two hours so that i always feel great and if i run out i'll do what ever and spend what ever to feel good again.....Man thats kinda selfish...to always have to feel good 24 hours a day.
Now im happy feeling kinda normal and some days not feel as good as others and my knees really hurt today because i stood up to long recording last nite....but that normal and it ok...

Hang in there and you'll get thru this.

[gizzy32]

Just want to wish you luck on monday, you CAN do this. I agree with worried, some type of aftercare would do you wonders and coming back here is great.  The part of you that does not want to stop the tablets is called addiction, and it will make you afraid, weak, guilty and depressed, but only at first. You said you have failed many times, but failing is only when you give up. i relate to your post cause i could never stay clean more than a few days and 11 days was my record in 5 years. Until i got support and worked at this, then i was able to stay clean. Welcome back and look forward to seeing you get clean. Believe in yourself and you will not fail. Good luck in your recovery and keep posting. aftercare aftercare aftercare

[worried878]

Alex..I wish u the best of luck...u know what to do it sounds like...but something has been missing...maybe aftercare?  maybe really being sick and tired of them?  There is alot of support here but as u know..being psychologically ready is so important/and support...why do u think u have failed before?  u may not know but if u had to throw something out there..whats the first thing that comes to ur mind?