how to get thru the holiday?

[wransomejr]

Hey everyone. The last time I quit I let the post-detox letdown pull me back.

We have a big family gathering planned at the lake house for the 4th. My brother, his wife, his kid, her friend, our parents and me.

If y'all remember, I am now living with my 80 year old parents because I don't really like being alone (I'm single) and I can take care of the property, etc, and I am best friends with my folks. Even though I'm 51 it really works out well for all of us.

I am eating well, and I don't feel horrible....but....I have no motivation to do anything and lay around a lot. I need to start walking I guess or something. I can't say I am just getting over that virus forever. My mother already asked me once was there something I wasn't telling her. My instinct tells me the best thing is not to actually lay this worry on her even though she's figured it out.

I'm a little worried about being on a short fuse. We are going to the river Wednesday, coming home Thursday evening, then have to leave the house Friday between 6-7AM for a 2+ hour drive to take my father to see one of his specialist doctors at the university hospital in a big city.

I'm just a little concerned. Not up to all this partying during the forth of July....my normal "self" is VERY talkative, but I'm pretty quiet right now. I might can fake it. And I am concerned about the chauffeur duties on Friday as my sleep is not great.

But at least we are clean. I have contacted some of my closest friends, people from college, etc, who are FAST friends and even though we have our individual lives in far-flung places you'd drop everything and go if they needed you and that has been good.

Best wishes everyone and stay safe!

-R

[kyle505]

If I hold up a mirror I'm doing it for both of us. What I neglected to share is how much fun I have at certain occasions. It is natural, long lasting and has no guilt attached. You'll get there if you continue your recovery.  Promise.
K

[wransomejr]

Man, I get what you are saying. It's been so long since I was able to get truly high that the only thing the drugs have been doing for me is keep me feeling functional. Lately mainly tramadol.

I have gotten through the acute detox okay three times now. What kills is the listless feelings, etc that hang on.

My family knows I am an addict. I am just not going to say anything about this last relapse to my mom and dad when he is facing a foot amputation. No. I told my brother. He'll keep an eye out and I told him he could tell my sis-in-law.

I'm really trying this time. I started this process a week before my two week annual leave from work on purpose...I'm not upset about giving up a vacation. I see it as a time to heal.

BUT...I live in a small southern town, and I work in an important church, where my boss knows all about my addiction. However, many people would not be understanding. Churches are full of folks that like nothing better than using their religion as a means to act like anything but a Christian. I have to be careful.

I've never seen myself as the life of the party type, but I am normally and up and conversational person and right now I am not. I had a good day today and feel better. I know tomorrow may be a different story.

At any rate, the folks who mentioned it was time to come out of isolation and try to enjoy something social are right. If I can't, I won't. I don't have access to anything unless I steal it. That was what happened and made me decide to jump. So far, God has been with me. I know...I know....good days/bad days. The temptation is never going to go away. I understand that now. I haven't regained a good sleep pattern yet, but last night when I did sleep I had a dream all about hunting for pills just like an easter egg hunt. Crazy. I was mad at myself when I woke up. Anyway, you keep on holding the mirror up for me. I definitely need it :-)

[kyle505]

A post detox letdown is just another excuse to use. And before you get upset, I used that same reason - and defined it in about the same way you are - to relapse over and over again. If you haven't gone through a holiday clean for awhile then you have a challenge ahead of you. You remember these occasions and associate them with when you were using - how you were talkative and everyone was wonderful and you were the life of the party and your wit & humor were stellar and just sitting and looking at a piece of grass was warm and satisfying.  But it was all a lie. You will need to experience these situations clean, and discover for yourself if you really had fun or if it was just the meds. Some occasions you'll enjoy clean, others not so much.
You are at a very dangerous point in your recovery; a post detox letdown is waiting, and if you have any kind of access to meds you will relapse. And it's probably time to tell your folks. You keep your secret - you'll use behind it.
This will be my second 4th clean. The first one was difficult but I have a support system and they watched me, just in case I decided to go looking through medicine cabs and the like. They still watch me.
It will get easier.
K

[wransomejr]

P.S. I have one friend who is not a druggie but is prescribed a low dose tablet of xanax for occasional anxiety and sleeplessness, and he knows my situation. He won't let me get in trouble with that, and at one time my psychiatrist (when I lived in CA) had me on xanax, which I abused. My heart did not like it. I now have an irregular heartbeat, so I am VERY careful.

[wransomejr]

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement.

I took the Lexus out today and loaded the newly washed bedding for the cabin, took the car and filled it up, checked the oil, etc, and then went to the car wash. This is the "baby" of our little fleet and doesn't get driven a lot so as a treat I took it to the river to drop off the bedding. I was feeling good enough to push mow the lawn. Let me tell you that is a BIG step and I was thrilled when I looked at it and actually WANTED to get out the mower! This is day 9 for me and I was SO afraid that the "I don't give a **** about anything" feeling would never end. I did not make it this many days last time.

My family does know, and I have told my brother that I relapsed and only quit again a week or so ago, but I haven't told my mother or father and I don't plan to. My mother especially will worry her heart out, which she already does constantly worrying about my dad...and my father's health is such that he doesn't need the worry either.

There will probably be beer at the 4th but I am not a big drinker and that isn't a concern. The only time I really ever drink anything anymore is communion wine on Sunday and sometimes a glass or two of wine when at a fancy dinner. This is a real "family" gathering both at our house and those of friends we will visit. There won't be any drugs.

I was more worried about not feeling up to it and having people wonder what was wrong with me and asking me questions. After having such a good day today I am not so worried. I am going to get up early in the morning and work in the yard here in town and I will take my parents to their lakehouse in the afternoon and we will all be together tomorrow evening. I MIGHT come back and spend the night alone because my niece and her friend and young, loud, and silly early teenagers and that will annoy me :-) But I think Thursday will be fine. The lakehouse is only about 20 minutes in the country so no big deal either way.

Just keeping my fingers crossed that I can keep my energy level up and feeling like talking. I happy to deal with the lack of a fully satisfying night of sleep if I can feel this good. If I have to I will get one xanax for Thursday night so I can sleep as I do have to chauffeur my parents to the doctor and back Friday, and that is 5-6 hours of driving in one day with only an hour or two at the university hospital. I've never been a good long-haul driver.

Peace everyone. Have a fun and safe Independence Day. -R

[ActingBrandNew]

That's good you are living with your parents it sounds like you mutually enjoy eachother.  Holidays can be tough on many...especially those of us in recovery that are used to being social. I have completely cut lose all old ties and I find myself isolated more times then naught. My socialization usually comes from Sunday church service or doctors visits.

It sounds like you are in touch with whats bothering you in regards to the holidays. I do hope that you enjoy your 4th of July with your family and take all steps necessary to not allow "the post-detox letdown" to pull you back again.

Always,

ABN

[specialmom]

Holidays are tough and I commend you for knowing that it could be a trigger for you.  Does your family know about the addiction issue and that you are getting clean?  I so hope they do.  It's nothing to be ashamed of and in fact, it is very brave!  If they know, they might understand that it is a hard couple of days for you and be sensitive to that.  I hate to think of you keeping it all in on your own.  

If they know, think of things you can do that you enjoy but are different than things you did in the past.  

I think it is great that you get mutual comfort with your parents.  

Down the road, I'm wondering if you've considered counseling and 'after care'.  Support groups are wonderful to connect with people face to face that really understand.  And therapy is really a great thing to do.  There is so often a connection between using and depression/anxiety.  Sorting that out is really helpful in staying clean.  

Sometimes pushing ourselves a little bit helps us get back to life.  I have found starting the day with something physical like a brisk walk helps with my ability to cope the rest of the day.  ??  Just an idea.  

wishing you peace and continued success with your sobriety!