Aa
who should we tell about our addiction, and who are we accountable to.
i saw this question below, asking do we or should we tell
our husbands and wives about our useing.
should we tell our children, and freinds.
i myself have told my wife everything then agian she is a recoverind addict for 18 years and has a better understanding then most wives.
my children know i am a recovering addict, but i do not go into detail with them.
It has been my experence that we need to be accountable to someone.accountabilty is a big issue, involving honesty.
most of us have lived this secret life hideing pills spending ungodly amounts of money and sometimes even to the point
of destroying our money situation.
being honest is very important but i think we have to have caution in this area, there are lot of people who think
once and addict always an addict.
one thing i found , once we have found someone we can trust we need to let them know when we relapse.
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
our husbands and wives about our useing.
should we tell our children, and freinds.
i myself have told my wife everything then agian she is a recoverind addict for 18 years and has a better understanding then most wives.
my children know i am a recovering addict, but i do not go into detail with them.
It has been my experence that we need to be accountable to someone.accountabilty is a big issue, involving honesty.
most of us have lived this secret life hideing pills spending ungodly amounts of money and sometimes even to the point
of destroying our money situation.
being honest is very important but i think we have to have caution in this area, there are lot of people who think
once and addict always an addict.
one thing i found , once we have found someone we can trust we need to let them know when we relapse.
peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First post to you !,just been reading through old threads ,that ******* guy and his arse lick buddys WILL NOT stop me comminig on this forum, so mrmichael go on chewing your 500 oc/s a day and I will post back CLEAN this time next year.Hellbent you I respect you seem to speak with a noble clarity,which is what people people in recovery want to hear.The problem with mr M is he is that he preaches what he does NOT practice. So 10 out 10 for giving him what for.PS Hippie the thread about wanking you mentioned incest (freud might have found that intresting).Anyway time to sign off for another year,no hard feelings chaps,all is fare in love & war.all the best CLEANMAN.
Catuf,
Congradulations on passing the main withdrawals and back into the world you once knew. I am glad to read you are doing so much better now. I hope to get to that point one of these months. I had that a couple of years ago but the booze relapse on and off since then has taken a toll. I hope this time I can get off and stay off. 30 days is usually the cutoff of the cravings for me. If I make it to the big 30 then I should be fine.
Again, congrats and take care.
Chatahan..........wildcat
Thanks for your thoghts. I remember when I was marking days 2 and 3 -- it seemed FOREVER until I got to 5 and day 30 was so far away that I couldn't satnd to think about it. Now the days are going by faster and I spending less and less time thinking about making the habit a thing of the past / hearing the whispers -- today it didn't even cross my mind for a full 7 hours.
I'm getting back to my old self in so many ways it's almost scary. There are some things that I thought were simply no longer a part of me; lost not through hydro abuse, but just to changes through the years. For example, I have always been known as a teller of stories. In any old conversation someone's comment would spur a memory of an interesting event and out it would come from me in story form. That characteristic has just been missing for I don't know exactly how long -- at least 3 or 4 years; the stories just didn't come anymore.
This week they started coming again. : ) As I sit here and think about why the memories that fostered the stories refused to surface I realize that along with all the physical decline caused by the hydro-abusing life style, there is the fact that I was only nominally present in most conversations -- I was either buzzed and paying far more attention to that, coming down and wondering how I could get away to take (or find) some more, struggling to just make it through the day because of withdrawal or in that post wd period where life is hard and emotionally flat and you spend all day telling yourself that you really don't want hydro (despite the fact that you'd kill for "just a little").
Another reversion is the re-found ability to "think on my feet." I was at a point where I shied away from situations in my work where I had to quickly respond to unexpected issues and questions. I had chalked this up simply to the natural loss of naive enthusiasm that younger men bring to the bar. After 15 years, I tried to tell myself, I was just over that and was unwilling to go through the charade. A not so subtle voice told me that this was not true, that in fact I was losing a fundemental requirement for my work due to the abuse and I tried to block out the voice saying "what if it's gone for good?" This was sort of a two-fold problem: I'm not sure to what extent it was a) actual LOSS of ability or b) freezing up due to lack of confidence brought on by recognition of some diminution in that ability.
In any event, the old ability is back along with the feeling that when I'm so engaged I'm doing what I was meant to do and very much alive. How ironic that in the name of seeking feelings of euphoria and lhappiness, I robbed myself of the very things I enjoyed most - the things that made me feel the most alive. I would say it was less the actual effect of the hydro and more the physical abuse my body suffered when I was binging. At the beginning of a binge I did just fine, indeed my mind seemed to be in high gear. But as it continued, I was trying to make it through more and more nights with only 3 or 4 hours sleep, more and more days where my total food intake wouldn't amount to a halfway decent breakfast, and more and more days with zero exercise -- I was a walking Zombi! But it doesn't matter if it was A or B -- even if it was "only" B, B comes with binges and for me binges come with hydro: I am unable to catch a hydro buzz on day 1 and then not again until day 15 or 20, etc. I go for the buzz on day 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5, with each day finding less and less of a buzz from the hydro, but only an anti-crash fix.
Another thing that is a big turn around is the way I feel in my body. 2+ months ago I felt like I was dragging myself through the day, every day. My body just felt like a heavy weight that I was forced to carry with me. Further, I was weak and had lost any sense of tightness or power in my body. EVERYTHING (except sitting and smiling when for a moment or two the hydro seemed to be working) was a terrible chore. Now, with the benefits of a) normal eating and sleeping and b) working out at least 3 times a week, my body has become virtually weightless. Where a set of even 5 or 6 stairs made me feel like Sisyphus, I now find that I'm at the top of long stair cases before I realize that I broke into a run without even thinking of it. As with the inability to engage my mind to the degree necessary to really do my job well, draging myself around feeling like a weak old man added to an overall sense of worthlessness.
Finally, and most importantly, I find that I have returned to a point where feeling good is the rule, not the exception. I'm generally happy most of the time and very happy some of the time. I'm honestly enjoying the little things that I recall making life great -- a vivid sunset, a beautiful mountain view, a 2 year old walking on my stomach and chest as I try to read. Staying off the hydro and making SURE I get rest, food, exercise and the recipe, I have found a sense of well being that I'm not sure I ever had (at least not for a long time, WELL before I ever heard of hydro). This is probably the best change, for I had long felt as if I would simply never be happy or enjoy life w/o the hydro. I believed I was doomed to day after day without joy. But, I was willing to accept that burden because life with the hydro had become mostly misery (talk about damned if you do and damned if you don't -- here there was the one thing in the world that could make the world good, but it not only didn't work most of the time anymore, it was making the world bad most of the time).
Well, it's now way past my bedtime -- gotta mind that sleep.
Sorry to ramble on for so long.
CATUF
I'm getting back to my old self in so many ways it's almost scary. There are some things that I thought were simply no longer a part of me; lost not through hydro abuse, but just to changes through the years. For example, I have always been known as a teller of stories. In any old conversation someone's comment would spur a memory of an interesting event and out it would come from me in story form. That characteristic has just been missing for I don't know exactly how long -- at least 3 or 4 years; the stories just didn't come anymore.
This week they started coming again. : ) As I sit here and think about why the memories that fostered the stories refused to surface I realize that along with all the physical decline caused by the hydro-abusing life style, there is the fact that I was only nominally present in most conversations -- I was either buzzed and paying far more attention to that, coming down and wondering how I could get away to take (or find) some more, struggling to just make it through the day because of withdrawal or in that post wd period where life is hard and emotionally flat and you spend all day telling yourself that you really don't want hydro (despite the fact that you'd kill for "just a little").
Another reversion is the re-found ability to "think on my feet." I was at a point where I shied away from situations in my work where I had to quickly respond to unexpected issues and questions. I had chalked this up simply to the natural loss of naive enthusiasm that younger men bring to the bar. After 15 years, I tried to tell myself, I was just over that and was unwilling to go through the charade. A not so subtle voice told me that this was not true, that in fact I was losing a fundemental requirement for my work due to the abuse and I tried to block out the voice saying "what if it's gone for good?" This was sort of a two-fold problem: I'm not sure to what extent it was a) actual LOSS of ability or b) freezing up due to lack of confidence brought on by recognition of some diminution in that ability.
In any event, the old ability is back along with the feeling that when I'm so engaged I'm doing what I was meant to do and very much alive. How ironic that in the name of seeking feelings of euphoria and lhappiness, I robbed myself of the very things I enjoyed most - the things that made me feel the most alive. I would say it was less the actual effect of the hydro and more the physical abuse my body suffered when I was binging. At the beginning of a binge I did just fine, indeed my mind seemed to be in high gear. But as it continued, I was trying to make it through more and more nights with only 3 or 4 hours sleep, more and more days where my total food intake wouldn't amount to a halfway decent breakfast, and more and more days with zero exercise -- I was a walking Zombi! But it doesn't matter if it was A or B -- even if it was "only" B, B comes with binges and for me binges come with hydro: I am unable to catch a hydro buzz on day 1 and then not again until day 15 or 20, etc. I go for the buzz on day 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5, with each day finding less and less of a buzz from the hydro, but only an anti-crash fix.
Another thing that is a big turn around is the way I feel in my body. 2+ months ago I felt like I was dragging myself through the day, every day. My body just felt like a heavy weight that I was forced to carry with me. Further, I was weak and had lost any sense of tightness or power in my body. EVERYTHING (except sitting and smiling when for a moment or two the hydro seemed to be working) was a terrible chore. Now, with the benefits of a) normal eating and sleeping and b) working out at least 3 times a week, my body has become virtually weightless. Where a set of even 5 or 6 stairs made me feel like Sisyphus, I now find that I'm at the top of long stair cases before I realize that I broke into a run without even thinking of it. As with the inability to engage my mind to the degree necessary to really do my job well, draging myself around feeling like a weak old man added to an overall sense of worthlessness.
Finally, and most importantly, I find that I have returned to a point where feeling good is the rule, not the exception. I'm generally happy most of the time and very happy some of the time. I'm honestly enjoying the little things that I recall making life great -- a vivid sunset, a beautiful mountain view, a 2 year old walking on my stomach and chest as I try to read. Staying off the hydro and making SURE I get rest, food, exercise and the recipe, I have found a sense of well being that I'm not sure I ever had (at least not for a long time, WELL before I ever heard of hydro). This is probably the best change, for I had long felt as if I would simply never be happy or enjoy life w/o the hydro. I believed I was doomed to day after day without joy. But, I was willing to accept that burden because life with the hydro had become mostly misery (talk about damned if you do and damned if you don't -- here there was the one thing in the world that could make the world good, but it not only didn't work most of the time anymore, it was making the world bad most of the time).
Well, it's now way past my bedtime -- gotta mind that sleep.
Sorry to ramble on for so long.
CATUF
Hippee,
I am way out in the middle of the West Pacific on Guam. I am 46 with a 23 year old son somewhere I hope he is still alive and I don't know about any grandkids from him. It's a long story partially explained on that long thread down a ways. Have a good rest.
Chatahan......wildcat
well the witching hour approches, and i have to get up for work.
i just bought a new book the shadow of god, by goodman,
15th centry history about sulliman and his 100,000 moslems
aginst 500 christian nights hold up in the fortress at the
island of rodes in grese. boy is my spelling bad or what.
and i even have websters next to me but i am to tired
to look up the correct spelling of rodes amd grese
im just lazy. just call me mr sloth
good night all
i just bought a new book the shadow of god, by goodman,
15th centry history about sulliman and his 100,000 moslems
aginst 500 christian nights hold up in the fortress at the
island of rodes in grese. boy is my spelling bad or what.
and i even have websters next to me but i am to tired
to look up the correct spelling of rodes amd grese
im just lazy. just call me mr sloth
good night all
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