Alcoholic Husband-When Should I Leave Him?

[babypooh]

Hello,
My husband is an alcoholic.  We've been together for 7 years, married 4.  He was a recovering alcoholic when we met and started drinking again shortly before our wedding.  I asked him to leave once about a year ago, but I was weak and allowed him to come home after only  4 days.  He gets really angry and loud when he drinks.  He has gone out with our son perfectly fine only to come back and he's all drunk already.  It makes me mad that he does that when he's with our son, driving! He's called me names infront of our son, infront of my family...We went out one time, he was sober; then he stopped to get Chinese Food and came out of the restaurant drunk (he drinks hard liquor). I got out of the car, left the door open so he wouldn't drive off before I could get my son, but he drove off anyway.  Scary stuff has happened.  He's gone to AA meetings, never keeps going.  Swears he will change. When he's sober, he's the best husband and father, but because I want us to stay together, I think maybe I should ask him to leave again and not let him come live here again until he's been sober for a few months.  He's gone 4 months without drinking before, but then he starts again.  Recently he stopped from February until two weeks ago.  Now he does it every time he's off work.  He drove with our son like that two weeks ago.  He apologized and gave a heartfelt speech, then later that night, he drank again and acted dumb, angry, screaming, crying... I don't know what to do.
Should I ask him to leave?  I have tried talking to him.  He just tells me to stop and that he's sorry, that he knows he has a problem.  He doesn't really allow me to express myself. He actually has the nerve to get upset that I "nag" him about it like he says.  I don't know how else to help him.  I keep forgiving him, talking to him, suggesting things...
How else can I help him without asking him to leave?

[standingup]

I am struggling with a similiar problem - alcoholic husband and 2 children.   I have come the conculsion that it is very rare for an alcholic to stay sober so you have a choice - stay on the mouse wheel or go make a happy life for your children.

We met 30 years ago, as highschool sweethearts.   We both drank as young kids in college and just after, but his drinking accelerated as we got full time jobs.   That is when I realized I married an alcholic.

I prayed often, but I also nagged alot about his drinking.   After years, I told God I was tired of waiting on an answer.   Within a minute of that prayer, I heard a crash in my neighborhood - my husband wrecked the car.   We separated and I was done.

But then, for the first time, he was required to go to a longer term counseling program as a requirement of his legal troubles (there had been > 4 at this time).    To my surprise, we really talked about how his drinking affected me and how we could support each other.     After 6 months, we got back together and had 2 beautiful children.

Then, he started drinking again (at the youngest 1st birthday).   I tried to reach out to tell him I will support him to get back on track.  He told me ' I got this'.     I learned in the addiction program that I cannot 'make' him do anything.    He is a good, involved father, when is he sober.   So, I was careful about our children being in the car if he was drinking.   But all I could do was watch and wait for things to escalate as they always did.

Then he got caught again.   He was surprised I did not scream or yell.   I just said - I knew it was going to happen soon.    During the legal process, I realised he was only sorry for getting caught and was 'buying' his way out of the consequences and even before the last day of his counseling, he was drinking again (sneaking ... but I can see the drunk wobble from across the room - and the receipts dont lie).

I have given him multiple chances and I doubt he will change.   I cannot do this 'groundhog day' over and over.    It is not fair to me or the children.

A lawyer told me years ago, < 1% of alcholics ever stay sober, your best to just divorce now and move on.   That was 15 years ago - I have to admit he was right.

[UnsureMS]

Everyone has placed in their own beliefs. I am a big believer of the bible as well. I also am a wife. I have been through many things with my husband including abuse of all sorts. About 3 years back we started attending a church together, and our relationship began to change. What I learned from my experiences is you are the only one that knows what you can handle. So, do what you know you need to for you and your son.

The other thing I want to say is that I believe as done of the others have said a mistress can be anything that your husband loves more then you. In this case it's drinking. In fact just tonight I asked my husband is that what he wants time with more then me? He didn't like that and got angry at first, but I think after a bit he realized it seems that way at times.

So, I get what you are feeling in more ways then one. Luckily I have no children who have had to be around during all our ups and downs. But I have two step children who come around every other weekend and it pains me to know my little girl has seen how her daddy treats me. She is 11 and is just starting to understand.

Like I said I understand your pain. I will be praying for you and your family. If you ever are just wanting to vent let me know. May God be with you and your family,

Kimberly

[rayhow]

I can relate. Keep praying, God knows what is going on, He knows how much we can bare. It is a lonely way of life, because it's hard to to love Dr. Jekle and Mr.Hyde.

[crazykid29]

Well, I sure can say that it takes what it takes. And for some people losing their family isn't even enough to get them to bottom. I can say also that one of the sad realities of this disease is that people lose the things most dear to them because they are sick. And rightly so, being around an alcoholic is too much emotional stress and physical danger than any person should have to put up with, especially a child.

Alcoholics and addicts need a bottom line sometimes to change - Let him know how his addiction has negatively affected you, and what will happen if this continues. Ultimately it will still be his call what he wants to do, but you must decide what you want to do in order to get better yourself. I know when I was drinking I isolated away from family, and it took me hating myself enough to make that change and get sober.

I hope that you find what's right for you, and do what you feel is right in your heart. Good luck hun..

[rpooo]

Just do whatever Ibizan says, it's you best bet! I'm going to bed!

[ibizan]

i hope u get urself to some Al-Anon meetings....many women there who have weathered a situation like urs.....and have had to make some difficult decisions....u r so wise to consider the long term effects of this on ur children...please take good care of urself and the baby to come!