How do i forgive myself?

[Jane1985]

Hi,

I have had OCD since I was 12 years old and I am now 29. It started with a phobia of germs, then went on to worrying about offending people and stressing about stupid insignificant things that no one else would worry about, and as I got older the worries progressed to horrible intrusive thoughts.

During my final year at high school I became really stressed out about trying to enjoy myself -  I kept thinking that I had accidently offended someone and that they weren't enjoying themselves. I spent all my time worrying about stuff that didn't happen and I got so stressed out that I had a terrible time at my grade 10 leavers dinner and all the end of high school activities. From then on I became so stressed out by trying to enjoy things that I ended up ruining so many great experiences. This continued when I moved on to college for year 11 and 12.

I should have mentioned before that I am a twin and we both have OCD. I remember worrying throughout the college production that I had offended the director or choreographer and I was the reason my twin didn't get a better role. This continued throughout my college experience. Year 12 was very stressful as both Katherine (my twin) and I were in most of the same classes and were both trying to get really good academic scores. Katherine really freaked out during this year because of all the stress and I had to constantly reassure her about OCD obsessions and try to calm her down. Despite this, at the end of the year we both achieved outstanding results.

Despite achieving a great TCE score we both decided to return to college for another year. We wanted to have a chance to do some fun subjects that we didn't get to do the first time around. I wanted to make up for worrying during the production so I was determined to enjoy myself and learn from my mistakes. Sadly my OCD had other ideas. I was so desperate to enjoy myself that I put so much pressure on myself. I remember smiling at everyone so I didn't offend anyone. The old worry came back that I had pissed off one of the choreographers and that because she couldn't tell us apart, Katherine didn't get as good part. In actual fact, Katherine got a better position in the dance line up than I did but I still continued to worry. I constantly worried and felt guilty about this throughout the production up until one day right before we were due to perform we were rehearsing and the choreographer picked Katherine out as one of the best performers. Obviously I had been worrying about nothing the whole time and I just remember feeling very sad that I had let OCD beat me again.

I also remember my homeroom teacher talking to one of the lead boys in the production about Katherine and I and how we were back at school despite scoring such a high TCE score. I remember thinking I frowned at Chris (the teacher) whilst he was saying this and in doing so stopped him from telling the boy how well we did in our studies. I remember worrying that now Marcus would think we were back doing year 13 because we were dumb. I have no idea why this bothered me so much at the time because who really cares. But I did. I remember worrying about it and trying to work out how I could fix it whilst I should have been enjoying myself.

Looking back, I can't believe how stupid I was. Why didn't I realise I was just repeating the same mistakes and that in all likelihood I probably didn't do anything wrong and was worrying about nothing. Even if I had frowned at the choreographer, so what? She probably would have just thought I was having a bad day. And so what if Marcus thought I was dumb? I don't know why I let it bother me so much.

I'm just so angry at myself. I should have been having the time of my life and not worrying about stupid insignificant things like that. I should say that despite all these worries, I still had fun. Yes, I always had these fears and doubts in the back of my mind but I had a lot of good times too. They were just clouded by worry.

You are probably wondering why I am obsessing over something that happened over 10 years ago. Well it is because year 13 was the last time I remember being truly happy. Yes, I had issues but I had so many great friends and despite the worries I did have fun. For the first time in my life, I came out of my shell and actually felt confident and pretty. Boys were interested in me and I was content.

When I look back now and obsess over all the stupid worries, I can't remember if I let them ruin my whole year and whether I let myself get depressed about what happened during the production. I try to remember how I felt and if I remember feeling depressed. I don't really think I did but again my OCD makes me doubt whether I did really have fun at all or was I worrying and depressed the whole time.

Everything has gone downhill for me since. My OCD developed into really horrible intrusive thoughts about a year later and I have been battling them ever since. I just wish so much that, because the worries back then were so stupid and insignificant, why couldn't I dismiss them. If I had got on top of it back then, it probably wouldn't have continued into the awful, distressing monster that engulfs me now.

I know that while I am obsessing about things I cannot change now, my life continues to pass me by. But my life now is kind of crap. so part of me thinks what does it matter? I will never get that time back - I just don't know why I couldn't have been stronger and stomped on those crappy stupid worries. Compared to how I am now, they were nothing! I am just so angry at myself and I don't know how to forgive myself for ruining those special moments that I will never ever experience again.

[Paxiled]

I don't mean to denigrate accomplishments or life, I should have added.  It's just that life isn't a contest, it just is made to seem so nowadays by advertising and political propaganda.  Very few people are particularly noteworthy in their pursuits, but even those who are may do more harm than good in their work but get praised solely for being better at producing harm than others (take industrialists who make their money killing and sickening others by polluting and producing unhealthy products nobody needs -- successful or not?).

[Paxiled]

Life in general is a series of mistakes for everyone, though some have so much ego they don't notice it.  You're just more conscious of it.  The only true success in life, if there is any, is if you're still breathing.  Everything else is mostly bluster.