Feeling of Dread + Anxiety Symptoms?

[SidewaySuns]

Hello all,

I posted in another forum asking for help for what I believe to be anxiety, but I have yet to have any responses - probably because I wrote too much, ha. I'll try my best to keep it short and sweet but knowing me, I won't. :p

Three weeks ago, my mother unexpectedly passed away from complications with breast cancer. I was present in the hospital when she died - never in my life have I remembered a night so vividly. Immediately after, I was surrounded by my family and boyfriend, leaving me to feel relief that she was no longer in pain (she had tumors in her hips and spine). Now, however, since they have all left I have been having feelings of dread.

When I came home from college to take care of my mother, who at that point had just been diagnosed, I had began to have heart palpitations and random moments where my heart would race and I would feel out of breath. I linked this to allergies because things in my home town were in bloom whereas everything in my college town had barely begun to bud. I also noticed that when I ate instant mashed potatoes my heart would start to race, leading me to believe I was allergic to a preservative so, needless to say, I stopped eating them and felt better.
The heart palpitations continued on and off and now I'm starting to notice twitching in my body, namely my legs. Twitching has never, ever bothered me as I've had minute twitches all my life. Now, these symptoms have left me thinking the worst about my health. Immediately I think, "MS", "ALS" or some sort of heart disease and so on which is taking a completely huge leap to the most severe reasons for my symptoms. I should also mention that these symptoms stopped when my family and boyfriend were surrounding me, but started up again now that I'm alone in the house for most of the day.

All my life I've had moments where I question my health and I do think of the worst possible thing - but I've always been able to talk myself out of those thoughts. Now, they just won't go away.
My mother passing away has made me think "anything can happen to anyone". I am constantly worried about everyone I care about. My boyfriend lives an hour from me and not being physically with him makes me worry. I had a dream about him being in the same situation of my mother and it scared me. I almost called him at 3am to make sure he was safe. Naturally, I worry about my family also. I tried calling my grandfather the other day and when he didn't answer, I immediately put the worst scenario in my head - I felt ridiculous when I walked there only to find him outside watering plants.

The biggest thing of all that is bothering my like no tomorrow is my gloomy outlook on life. That night at the hospital with my mother I was convinced that she would be fine, she would spend the night and she could come home the next day. I was excited that for once she'd be sleeping in a bed and in an environment that could take care of her better than we could at home. But then she passed and everything I was thinking about just stopped. It was surreal. I now am convinced that if I think of anything in the future, it will not happen the way I intended it because of some sort of catastrophe. I constantly would think about my life after college, but now I'm absolutely petrified that something will happen to me. It's horrible. This is all a horrible loop of "what if I have this" or "what if this happens to him/her/me" because "it can happen now because my mother is gone". Naturally, you play out scenarios in your head as to what future things will be like and if they don't happen that way it's normal because who can actually "predict" the future so perfectly? I can't seem to function that way and it's impeding on my life.

As I am writing this, my leg muscles have a tingly feeling. I just went out with my friend and noticed nothing of the sorts - my legs and body were fine. The minute I got home and started thinking about the twitching, it started again. I haven't had any palpitations today and I started my birth control after I stopped using it for a month (another long story). I am a 19 year old female (guess you could have figured that) who has never had a drink, smoked a cigarette or used any sort of drug. The sickest I've ever been in my life was my junior and senior years of high school where I had mono which led to constant tonsillitis and then a tonsil and adnoidectomy last August. After that, I have been in great health - only one cold got in my way last year.

Any response to anything I have written would be very helpful - reassurance, similar stories and so on. I'm going to talk to my dad about seeing someone about the anxiety - I wish to have my mind back the way it was.

Thanks!

[SidewaySuns]

Thanks for sharing your stories, they did calm me down a bit. :)

Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning I had my first full on anxiety attack. I literally woke up, was fine for a few moments and then my heart started to freak out. My heart has rarely raced, but this morning it felt like I had just ran a marathon. The only reason it freaked me out was because for some reason I  had the thought that I was going to die and that my own diagnosis of anxiety was wrong.
I only feel this way because we thought my mom had anxiety when it really turned out to be blood clots. I'm so scared. I could not calm myself down. I called my boyfriend which made my heart stop racing which helped me realize that I'm in control and I'm freaking myself out. Still, I'm petrified to go to the doctor, which I'm trying to do today.

Gah, my goodness this is horrible.

[plomeli]

Hi, I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. I too have a similar story, my mom died of lupus when I was 15 years old. She had been sick for  7 years she was in and out of the hospital, had 2 kidney transplants was on dialysis for years and after having heart surgery she passed away. The sad thing is that I NEVER expected that she was going to pass away she had always been in the hospital and came home. To make matters worse I have no brothers no sisters and no dad...it was just my mom and I. I had and still have a pretty horrible family so I was an orphan at the age of 15!!! When you say that "anything can happen to anyone" has been my biggest obsticle to overcome I think  it's my "motto" and I I became a hypocondriac. Funny that you mention that your muscles have been twitching because that is exactly was has been happening to me and ofcourse I was convinced I had MS and was dying really soon... this has been happening to me for the past 2 months. I too hate to be alone it scares me horribly! I have been to therapists and they tell me that it was a terrible trauma but still I havent found a way to overcome this I have been dealing with this for 18 years, I am married have 3 kids and I still feel like that 15 year old scared out of her mind and terrified that I will suffer the same fate as my mom...I mean she was MY mom why would that not happen to me, I'm not special. Its so hard to see your mom suffering and in pain. I never got to say goodbye to her she died while I was in school and I think that has been the hardest part maybe if I could have said goodbye I could have made peace with her passing. My psychologists told me that I have survivers guilt which is strange but I think it's true because my mom was 33 when she died, she was so young. I feel so sorry for her because she didnt deserve all that suffering. I have terrible anxiety I am on medication and Im worried about every little symptom I get I notice every twitch every little thing that has to do with my body. I am very tired of this feeling I just wish that I could forget or that I wasnt so scared of getting sick. I would suggest that you talk to psychologist because you are dealing with a lot right now....I wish I could have done that when I was younger so that things wouldnt have gotten so out of control. I feel so scared all the time and I dont understand why. Take care of yourself love yourself and do things you enjoy, I do think you have anxiety which is totally normal, my heart breaks for you because I know how difficult it is. I know I dont know you but I am here for you please let me know how you are doing. You are not alone I think lots of us have gone through this but I imagine that some are affected more than others. Good luck keep posting!!! P.S I read a book that is sooooo helpful and sooo comforting it is called Motherless Daughters by Hope Elderman it will help you understand what is going on what is next in terms of grieving she did extensive research with women whose mothers have passed away, its an awesome book. I hope you buy it!

[Devonlee]

I had similiar anxiety issues/slight depression after my mom died of complications of cancer. (They were doing a colonoscopy to check how bad the cancer was....she aspirated and died within hours. Blessing in a way because she was riddled with cancer and would have died a slow painful death anyway) I noticed, again like you, it showed itself mostly when I was alone or bored. It has taken time and some therapy and yoga to improve things. Keeping busy is a must also! Oh and I should also mentioned that we moved to a new state where I didnt want to go so I had no friends or family near me at all.So I do know what you are going though. I am sorry this is happening to you and I hope you feel better soon. Keep busy...maybe see a therapist? It could help and some people need meds (I havent gone that route yet) but it seems to help some. I hope you feel better soon and I wish you the best of luck.