Why are my adult sons always negative to me

[feelingblue652]

I have two grown sons in their 30's and the oldest is nearly always yelling or fussing at me about something, like when I can't hear him on the phone or out of the blue he will just fuss at me because I own have clutter but the clutter is my stuff.  Tonight I experienced that because I couldn't hear him on the phone when he asked me a question and he got mad and fussed again and hung up on me.  My other son lives at home now, he was in a car wreck 2 years ago and has tried geting disability and only got it for 1 year and he has appealed it again. but he sometimes says negative hurtful things to me, like tonight we were talking about the way you use to open cans and I said you still have to open the hershey's syrup in a can that way and he said no they now have the squeeze bottles and I said but they still have the cans and he made the negative comment that no one buys that except maybe me and he said it hurtful and I asked him why he was always saying something negative to me and he said well look at me, he said I was weird and that he was nothing like me and that he couldn't believe he came from my loins. IT hurt me real bad the way he said it because this kind of negative criticism is always coming out of my sons mouths and sometimes my daughter and even her two kids ( my beautiful grandkids) I spent the other night crying myself to sleep because my kids say things that hurt me.  I have always been a good mom and they never went without and they had a dad that drank and was never around for them growing up and a stepdad that wasn't there for them anymore when our daughter came along. THey have a good stepdad now and they always say hurtful mean things about him to me all the time.  And he has been very good to all of us.. I am always there even now for my kids and make sacrifices as I love them so much, but I can't understand why they always say hurtful mean things to me and I am just tired of feeling like I am always serving them and yet I feel bad if I don't help them when they need it and I know I can.  BUt I don't ever feel loved or appreciated by them and when I have told them they just act like I am crazy for even thinking it. If I talked to them the way they do me, then they get mad storm out or the same reaction as though they can't take it.  I don't want to say or do something I would regret so I am always there for them when I can be and being between jobs because I lost mine last year i have had more time to do do do and I feel so unappreciated when I get treated like I do. I don't want or need my grown children living my life in my house and telling me what to do or how to do it and the things they do and say are so  hurtful and life is just too short to say or do something you would regret but they do it to me all the time.  I don't know how to handle their behavior since they are grown. I got more love and respect when they were kids.

[Suzsezok]

I think you should tell them both to blow it out of their arces! They are adults now and cannot talk to you this way! As hurtful as it is, you must protect yourself and turn the other cheek!

[allmymarbles]

I guess your "no" covers everything. I have four children. They are not rude or abusive towards me. Why? Because I never would have put up with it.

[Pheature]

NO to what allmymarbles just said.

I know lots of people who have natured there kids the way this wonderful woman has and there kids are not rude to there parents!
But on the other hand i know some who are as well.

At the start i read you said your son was in a car crash and you where explaining on how he use to get syrup in the tin.
As being a man, in my 30s use to be able to open a tin and my mother is telling me to go buy a plastic squeeze bottle, personaly i think he was offended by you towards his manly stature and this is something no man can take lightly and something they will never admit to!
and maybe your other son is seeing everyone else hassling you and its just became the norm around your household.
im unsure of your age but it does not really not matter, i strongly suggest you get yourself to a gym or get  into some physical activity because when you get home to this you will be relaxed and ready for this.
also steam rooms/saunas can relase the stress..

i hope this has helped

[allmymarbles]

You do not live on a one-way street. The situation with your children you helped create. Maybe you never spoke up the first time they were rude. So they were rude again - and again - and more so - and more so.

But what is done is done. Now the problem is getting them to behave like proper adults. Number one is to stop being  doormat. You speak of their lack of respect for you, but where is your self-respect? This is the crux of your problem. Once you think that through, and understand your own behavior, you are on the road to correcting a most unpleasant situation.

Oh, and don't make the mistake of telling them how much you had to sacrifice for them. Caring for children is not a sacrifice; it is a normal parental requirement.