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19946895 tn?1487146849

Why am I like this?

I was fine when I was younger. I had many friends and was quite popular, though I didn't like too much attention and just wanted to play. When I reached college (I'm currently at my third year) I noticed the development of my social anxiety and possibly PTSD, I am wondering why I have these problems when there's nothing wrong with people around me... so I thought this means it's me who's got something wrong.
I sweat a lot when people look at me or when I hear them talking about me especially strangers, I get dizzy thinking about what if I'm wrong and embarass myself, and my emotions are uncontrollable when I remember something embarrassing or traumatizing. Because of these I avoid people, I avoid everyone and everything that may be too troublesome for me, like meeting new friends and going out together with classmates for lunch or not showing myself to a person who wants to talk to me. I then realized that I hate people, aside from my family ('cause they're family duh).
I hate my 'friends'/classmates even though I know their stories. I don't know why but I just hate them for making me talk to them and do some stuff that they like but I'm not interested in.
I hate how people are noisy and so boasty, I mean can they keep their business to themselves like I keep mine? I always ask them In my mind, are you being inconsiderate on purpose? Why say that when that can hurt a person's feelings?
However, with humans being this normally pain-in-the-butt, I consider myself as the problematic one here. Why am I like this? Why do I get pissed off at everyone but get anxious when around them? And when I try to engage it doesn't work out and I make a fool out of myself which adds the an embarrassing file in my head to be retrieved by my PTSD to make me suffer. Should I just live like this until I die? I can't control it.

Thanks for the advice in advance.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
First, depression and anxiety usually manifest about your age -- just the way it goes.  Avoidance makes it worse, though not avoiding doesn't necessarily make it better -- that only works if your attitude is a positive one.  Which is hard when we have problems with the way we think.  Your taste in people also changes as you age -- your taste in many things does.  For some it changes more than for others, and the more you get away from the environment in which you grew up the more you change.  You can actually go home again, contrary to the cliche, but you won't ever be that person you were anymore because you've learned new things the people who stayed behind didn't.  The anger sounds like depression.  If you haven't started seeing a psychologist yet, it's time.
2 Comments
Thank you for your response.
Uhhh do I really have to see a psychologist? Does that mean that I'm crazy or mentally ill?
You don't have to do anything, it's your life.  But left alone, when you start thinking in this way it can become chronic.  As for crazy, no, you're not crazy.  You're just alive, and life will crash for everyone from time to time.  Are you mentally ill?  Who knows?  Don't worry about labels, worry about feeling good.
Avatar universal
:) I think you are just fine, neither crazy nor mentally ill, but all you may need is someone to help you to be more in control of your emotions.
Counsellors, coaches and psychologists can all help tremendously, just make sure that when you choose one you are comfortable with the person. You may find CBT sessions really helpful.
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