Aa
Reaching my Breaking Point - Bipolar 2 and TRT.
Thanks in advance for any help....
I am 26 years old. For the past 7 years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, insomnia, irratibility, manicness, mood swings, inconsistency, etc. etc. etc. Life has been one hell of a roller coaster, but in this time I have managed to graduate college and an MBA, secure and maintain a well-paying and fulfilling business career and marry the love of my life (and hang on to her thus far).
I have seen 3 different family doctors, 2 different psychiatrists and 1 endocrinologist... I have been diagnosed with it all, and been prescribed just about every drug imaginable for these symptoms: Anxiety & depression: Effexor, Effexor XR, Cymbalta, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro. Sleep/Insomnia: Sonata, Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, Restoril, Melatonin, Elavil, Seroquel, Provigil, Trezadone, Xanax. Bipolar 2: Lamictal. Low Testosterone: Testim. None of these drugs have solved my problems permanently - some have mitigated some symptoms in the short term.
My current diagnoses and treatments are: Bipolar 2 disorder, insomnia and low testosterone (tested at 104 ng/dl). I am currently taking the following medications: Lamictal 200mg once a day. Testim 5g (50mg testosterone) once a day (on this for 2 months now, testosterone levels at 380 ng/dl now). Xanax 2mg and Melatonin 9mg at night for sleep.
I am suffering. I am constantly in a daze. I rarely sleep more than four and a half hours a night. My mood is up and down in a moments' time. Anxiety is free floating and depression occurs at least once every day for an hour or so. I am quick to snap at my wife and our dogs. I have the shortest fuse. The smallest annoyances set me off. I can hardly focus on my work, but manage through it. I have little motivation to exercise (although few people do), but manage to do 3 days a week of cardio (45 minutes) and 5 days a week of weightlifting. Exercise helps significantly, but I don't have time for any more than I already do. Lately, all I have wanted to do is lie in bed and watch TV. I have lost a few close friends due to my lack of need for social interaction. I make poor and whimsical financial purchases because they feel good. My dreams at night are vivid, and I feel like they are creeping into my days now. I could go one, but I think I have made the point.
Recently I have had a few notably bizarre episodes: About 2 months ago I made a very poor attempt at suicide - I couldn't break the surface with the knife on my wrist (and didn't really want to do it anyways I think). I've had a number of overwhelming panic attacks recently where I become hot and tingly all over and feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I have had several episodes where I have "blanked (not blacked) out", curled up into the fetal position, cried and basically become frozen for a period of fifteen minutes.
And lastly, yet most importantly - I feel that my marriage may be suffering. I am amazed that my wife can still tolerate me at this point. I don't treat her very well anymore. My sex drive is non-existant. I feel so guilty that she has to bare the brunt of these symptoms. I know she has to tip-toe around me and I hate it.
In summation: I am in a daze. Life feels fuzzy. My memory is poor. I can barely concentrate enough to write this. I want to be normal, but I am not quite sure what "normal" means anymore. I feel like I have been over-medicated, poorly diagnosed and victimized as a patient. I feel like I have reached my breaking point with the symptoms and issues discussed and the constant adjustment to new medications. I don't have the guts to commit suicide and know that I have a good life, despite my mental issues - so don't worry, I am not going to go that route. My wife and parents are amazingly supportive of me and want to help. But I just can't take it anymore. I'm fed up. There has to be a solution.
I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read this rant, and any help or advice you might have to offer.
Thank you,
Andrew
I am 26 years old. For the past 7 years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, insomnia, irratibility, manicness, mood swings, inconsistency, etc. etc. etc. Life has been one hell of a roller coaster, but in this time I have managed to graduate college and an MBA, secure and maintain a well-paying and fulfilling business career and marry the love of my life (and hang on to her thus far).
I have seen 3 different family doctors, 2 different psychiatrists and 1 endocrinologist... I have been diagnosed with it all, and been prescribed just about every drug imaginable for these symptoms: Anxiety & depression: Effexor, Effexor XR, Cymbalta, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro. Sleep/Insomnia: Sonata, Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, Restoril, Melatonin, Elavil, Seroquel, Provigil, Trezadone, Xanax. Bipolar 2: Lamictal. Low Testosterone: Testim. None of these drugs have solved my problems permanently - some have mitigated some symptoms in the short term.
My current diagnoses and treatments are: Bipolar 2 disorder, insomnia and low testosterone (tested at 104 ng/dl). I am currently taking the following medications: Lamictal 200mg once a day. Testim 5g (50mg testosterone) once a day (on this for 2 months now, testosterone levels at 380 ng/dl now). Xanax 2mg and Melatonin 9mg at night for sleep.
I am suffering. I am constantly in a daze. I rarely sleep more than four and a half hours a night. My mood is up and down in a moments' time. Anxiety is free floating and depression occurs at least once every day for an hour or so. I am quick to snap at my wife and our dogs. I have the shortest fuse. The smallest annoyances set me off. I can hardly focus on my work, but manage through it. I have little motivation to exercise (although few people do), but manage to do 3 days a week of cardio (45 minutes) and 5 days a week of weightlifting. Exercise helps significantly, but I don't have time for any more than I already do. Lately, all I have wanted to do is lie in bed and watch TV. I have lost a few close friends due to my lack of need for social interaction. I make poor and whimsical financial purchases because they feel good. My dreams at night are vivid, and I feel like they are creeping into my days now. I could go one, but I think I have made the point.
Recently I have had a few notably bizarre episodes: About 2 months ago I made a very poor attempt at suicide - I couldn't break the surface with the knife on my wrist (and didn't really want to do it anyways I think). I've had a number of overwhelming panic attacks recently where I become hot and tingly all over and feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I have had several episodes where I have "blanked (not blacked) out", curled up into the fetal position, cried and basically become frozen for a period of fifteen minutes.
And lastly, yet most importantly - I feel that my marriage may be suffering. I am amazed that my wife can still tolerate me at this point. I don't treat her very well anymore. My sex drive is non-existant. I feel so guilty that she has to bare the brunt of these symptoms. I know she has to tip-toe around me and I hate it.
In summation: I am in a daze. Life feels fuzzy. My memory is poor. I can barely concentrate enough to write this. I want to be normal, but I am not quite sure what "normal" means anymore. I feel like I have been over-medicated, poorly diagnosed and victimized as a patient. I feel like I have reached my breaking point with the symptoms and issues discussed and the constant adjustment to new medications. I don't have the guts to commit suicide and know that I have a good life, despite my mental issues - so don't worry, I am not going to go that route. My wife and parents are amazingly supportive of me and want to help. But I just can't take it anymore. I'm fed up. There has to be a solution.
I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read this rant, and any help or advice you might have to offer.
Thank you,
Andrew
Read all your posts and have suffered near identical issues for decades....have tried every drug you mentioned and I think a few more. I went from doc to doc to psych to psych for nearly 25 yrs. I am 56 6'4" 210 lbs retired Wall Street broker....had good career raised family and got out early. Only in the past year have I truly enjoyed life or even understood what "normal" was. I am diagnosed BP2 with uni-sprectrum depression which I think means I am either always low or lower. Never had a manic episode. No OCD......do have very addictive trait and must avoid all mood altering drugs. Alcohol does nothing for me except give headache. What happened in past year was discovery of low testosterone levels for a man of my age which hormone doc thinks was a lifetime problem.....you also seem to have discovered very low testo levels at age 26....I wish I had found out when I was 26 (30yrs ago).
I am prescribed HGH (3mg day) together with dhea, and testosterone cream, melatonon at night, 300 mg lamictal. Within 8 weeks I began to feel like a real person. I never slept for more than 2-4 hours at a time...now I sleep 7-8. My mood is terrific but not hyper or high. I am not nervous, anxious or overly worried about miniscule things. I can for the first time say I know what normal is.......it is awesome.
HGH gets a generally bad rap from the press/sports reports etc and is really not understood by most doctors. It is not a anabolic steroid...it is a naturally occuring hormone in our bodies. Many people simply do not produce enough for "normal" brain/body chemistry. I was sceptical big time at first but after seeing several hormone doctors who understood I decided to give it a try. A complete mental health miracle for me. I tried everything and sufferd for 30 odd yrs. Regards Joe C
I am prescribed HGH (3mg day) together with dhea, and testosterone cream, melatonon at night, 300 mg lamictal. Within 8 weeks I began to feel like a real person. I never slept for more than 2-4 hours at a time...now I sleep 7-8. My mood is terrific but not hyper or high. I am not nervous, anxious or overly worried about miniscule things. I can for the first time say I know what normal is.......it is awesome.
HGH gets a generally bad rap from the press/sports reports etc and is really not understood by most doctors. It is not a anabolic steroid...it is a naturally occuring hormone in our bodies. Many people simply do not produce enough for "normal" brain/body chemistry. I was sceptical big time at first but after seeing several hormone doctors who understood I decided to give it a try. A complete mental health miracle for me. I tried everything and sufferd for 30 odd yrs. Regards Joe C
I know how you feel and it *****. It can get better, it sounds like one of the meds isn't working for you. I'm going to try changing mine around.
Good Luck!!
Good Luck!!
I came to this site to find some info about testosterone replacement therapy and its effect on bipolar disorder... and ran across this forum. I was surprised at how similar all these stories and testimonials are to my own.
I have been diagnosed BP2 for approximately 10 years. Was originally treated with Lithium/Prozac combo, but it didn't do the job well enough for me. I had trouble sticking to a regular 4x a day pill regimen, and the side effects of the drugs were unnerving to say the least, including having doubts about whether things I was seeing were actually true, or imagined from past memories and confusing them with the current state of things (whether doors were in locked position or merely that I REMEMBERED what the lock should look like and it was really unlocked). Was changed to Depakote extended release, which solved some of the dosing issues, and tidied up my mood swings some, but to this day i still suffer from bouts of occasional violent anger and deep near suicidal depression. THe comments made about wives walking on tiptoe is exactly how my wife feels, and i can't blame her, and I have often felt like one person who said they would rather leave their spouse and spare her and anyone else the torment of living with the symptoms of the disease.
I have recently been diagnosed with low testosterone levels and thought that some of the problems may come merely from that, but I know better than to attribute everything to one cause. I am also overweight, diabetic and generally could be diagnosed as having metabolic syndrome, which in turn can cause reduced testosterone production. So then it becomes a chicken and egg sort of mental game, and those sorts often have no clear winners.
However, in all of my reading about BPD, i have come away with one clear conclusion, at least for myself: it is nothing to be ashamed of, or treat in any way as something other than a chronic and common disease, albiet one that is not curable although treatble to one level or another. I learned that i am not alone in feeling the way I do, and can no more take blame or shame for it than i could if I had asthma or arthritis. It just is, and the question then becomes what do i do about it. I would hope that those who read this would find that if someone else has a "problem" with them being BPD (and in this I mean attaching some sort of social stigma to it or treating it like a joke, rather than talking about dealing with the symptoms and mood swings it causes) then remember that it is their problem, one of a lack of understanding, knowledge or compassion, and not something you the sufferer can take on.
Does this help me cope with the mood swings and fallout thereof itself? Not so much, but it does help some with building a more aware and understanding support system for those days i can't cope on my own. I do agree though that what you may have is some combination, and that it will take a a lot of work to find the solution. I'm ten years in and still no definite 100% "cure" but I know I am much better off than i was ten years ago, and give full credit to my wife for hanging in and supporting me through it all.
I have seen the way the changes in medications work, how it takes time to build to a therapeutic level and the horrible feelings and side effects that can occur in the in between times. Add to that a couple of more diagnoses and meds, which might counteract, and you end up with a very frustrating juggling act. I urge you however to hang in there and look for whatever means you can find to solve it, and discount nothing until you have enough solid evidence to write off a particular med, therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. It is still an emerging and developing medical field, and we are certainly better off nowadays than 50 years ago (electroshock therapy anyone? EEEEK).
I will keep a good thought for you and for all those who are also struggling as I am.
I have been diagnosed BP2 for approximately 10 years. Was originally treated with Lithium/Prozac combo, but it didn't do the job well enough for me. I had trouble sticking to a regular 4x a day pill regimen, and the side effects of the drugs were unnerving to say the least, including having doubts about whether things I was seeing were actually true, or imagined from past memories and confusing them with the current state of things (whether doors were in locked position or merely that I REMEMBERED what the lock should look like and it was really unlocked). Was changed to Depakote extended release, which solved some of the dosing issues, and tidied up my mood swings some, but to this day i still suffer from bouts of occasional violent anger and deep near suicidal depression. THe comments made about wives walking on tiptoe is exactly how my wife feels, and i can't blame her, and I have often felt like one person who said they would rather leave their spouse and spare her and anyone else the torment of living with the symptoms of the disease.
I have recently been diagnosed with low testosterone levels and thought that some of the problems may come merely from that, but I know better than to attribute everything to one cause. I am also overweight, diabetic and generally could be diagnosed as having metabolic syndrome, which in turn can cause reduced testosterone production. So then it becomes a chicken and egg sort of mental game, and those sorts often have no clear winners.
However, in all of my reading about BPD, i have come away with one clear conclusion, at least for myself: it is nothing to be ashamed of, or treat in any way as something other than a chronic and common disease, albiet one that is not curable although treatble to one level or another. I learned that i am not alone in feeling the way I do, and can no more take blame or shame for it than i could if I had asthma or arthritis. It just is, and the question then becomes what do i do about it. I would hope that those who read this would find that if someone else has a "problem" with them being BPD (and in this I mean attaching some sort of social stigma to it or treating it like a joke, rather than talking about dealing with the symptoms and mood swings it causes) then remember that it is their problem, one of a lack of understanding, knowledge or compassion, and not something you the sufferer can take on.
Does this help me cope with the mood swings and fallout thereof itself? Not so much, but it does help some with building a more aware and understanding support system for those days i can't cope on my own. I do agree though that what you may have is some combination, and that it will take a a lot of work to find the solution. I'm ten years in and still no definite 100% "cure" but I know I am much better off than i was ten years ago, and give full credit to my wife for hanging in and supporting me through it all.
I have seen the way the changes in medications work, how it takes time to build to a therapeutic level and the horrible feelings and side effects that can occur in the in between times. Add to that a couple of more diagnoses and meds, which might counteract, and you end up with a very frustrating juggling act. I urge you however to hang in there and look for whatever means you can find to solve it, and discount nothing until you have enough solid evidence to write off a particular med, therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. It is still an emerging and developing medical field, and we are certainly better off nowadays than 50 years ago (electroshock therapy anyone? EEEEK).
I will keep a good thought for you and for all those who are also struggling as I am.
Having these problems alone may be lonley, but throw in a wife and two kids, plus 7 years of misery, and you've got a heap of guilt. Like another writer in one of these fora, it's not a question of if, but of when. Basically, I'm done. I want to tell my wife of 19 years to leave me while she's still young. There's no question she could get a much better man than I - one that didn't mope, and who lived up to his potential because he didn't freak at the slightest stress. I don't want to string her along for another 5 or 10 years just for her to be an angry widow dumping garbage on my grave. She'd be appalled and angry if I told her this, and I'm also sure she is unaware of the the depth of my wish to disappear. It would be so much easier if she hated me.
BTW - I am on a bunch of stuff for BP2, and they work ok, but I'm not interested in nursing some chronic, potentially fatal ilness for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't wish that on my wife and kids. I can see theM standing around the dialysis machine after my lithium and welbutrin ate holes in my kidneys.
BTW - I am on a bunch of stuff for BP2, and they work ok, but I'm not interested in nursing some chronic, potentially fatal ilness for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't wish that on my wife and kids. I can see theM standing around the dialysis machine after my lithium and welbutrin ate holes in my kidneys.
I'm saying this as a mother of 2 bipolar sons and a wife of a husband with cancer. Your wife loves you, she will endure whatever it takes for you to get things figured out. I feel that reaching out and seeking help is the first step. I know that I am still searching for one of my sons, and I feel so helpless and lost at times, but there is something out there that will work. It does sound like you have most of the symptoms of bipolar. What I have read and understand, many times bipolar is accompanied by another disorder. You may be dealing with more than one and need to address all of them. Don't rule out bipolar or any others until you know for sure. None of us like to face the fact that there is something wrong, but if we try to ignore it, it only gets worse. I don't know if you believe in God, but He is amazing and may be the answer to many of the issues you are facing. If you don't believe, I just hope that you never give up on finding the right help. My grandma was bipolar and didn't get medication for many, many years. It caused more problems than any of the meds and their side effects. She attempted suicide and ended up damaging many of her organs and suffered a long 2 years before it finally took her life. The suffering she went through in those 2 years were far worse than what the meds put you through. I have been in a similar situation that you are in after having a hysterectomy and not being placed on any hormones or meds. I always felt that I was allowed to experience this so that I could further understand what my sons go through.
Good Luck and keep fighting for yourself and the right treatment.
Good Luck and keep fighting for yourself and the right treatment.
One more thing, are you sure you have OCD? I mean, I'd love to have you come over and do your thing to my pigsty. But seriously, maybe your need to have everything in order is simply a way of being good to yourself in some way. It gives you some kind of control over something, and gosh that's a wonderful thing! Please don't beat yourself up anymore! My sister goes to an endocrinologist and she says that a lot of BP diagnosed people, according to her doctor, are actually suffering from hormone problems that are fixed and fine. Wait and see what your results are, give that a chance and then try other things. It's good to have hope, so don't spoil that for yourself.
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