Reaching my Breaking Point - Bipolar 2 and TRT.

[Andrew S]

Thanks in advance for any help....

I am 26 years old.  For the past 7 years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, insomnia, irratibility, manicness, mood swings, inconsistency, etc. etc. etc.  Life has been one hell of a roller coaster, but in this time I have managed to graduate college and an MBA, secure and maintain a well-paying and fulfilling business career and marry the love of my life (and hang on to her thus far).

I have seen 3 different family doctors, 2 different psychiatrists and 1 endocrinologist...  I have been diagnosed with it all, and been prescribed just about every drug imaginable for these symptoms:  Anxiety & depression: Effexor, Effexor XR, Cymbalta, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro.  Sleep/Insomnia: Sonata, Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, Restoril, Melatonin, Elavil, Seroquel, Provigil, Trezadone, Xanax.  Bipolar 2: Lamictal.  Low Testosterone: Testim.  None of these drugs have solved my problems permanently - some have mitigated some symptoms in the short term.

My current diagnoses and treatments are: Bipolar 2 disorder, insomnia and low testosterone (tested at 104 ng/dl).  I am currently taking the following medications: Lamictal 200mg once a day.  Testim 5g (50mg testosterone) once a day (on this for 2 months now, testosterone levels at 380 ng/dl now).  Xanax 2mg and Melatonin 9mg at night for sleep.

I am suffering.  I am constantly in a daze.  I rarely sleep more than four and a half hours a night.  My mood is up and down in a moments' time.  Anxiety is free floating and depression occurs at least once every day for an hour or so.  I am quick to snap at my wife and our dogs.  I have the shortest fuse.  The smallest annoyances set me off.  I can hardly focus on my work, but manage through it.  I have little motivation to exercise (although few people do), but manage to do 3 days a week of cardio (45 minutes) and 5 days a week of weightlifting.  Exercise helps significantly, but I don't have time for any more than I already do.  Lately, all I have wanted to do is lie in bed and watch TV.  I have lost a few close friends due to my lack of need for social interaction.  I make poor and whimsical financial purchases because they feel good.  My dreams at night are vivid, and I feel like they are creeping into my days now.  I could go one, but I think I have made the point.

Recently I have had a few notably bizarre episodes: About 2 months ago I made a very poor attempt at suicide - I couldn't break the surface with the knife on my wrist (and didn't really want to do it anyways I think).  I've had a number of overwhelming panic attacks recently where I become hot and tingly all over and feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.  I have had several episodes where I have "blanked (not blacked) out", curled up into the fetal position, cried and basically become frozen for a period of fifteen minutes.

And lastly, yet most importantly - I feel that my marriage may be suffering.  I am amazed that my wife can still tolerate me at this point.  I don't treat her very well anymore.  My sex drive is non-existant.  I feel so guilty that she has to bare the brunt of these symptoms.  I know she has to tip-toe around me and I hate it.

In summation: I am in a daze.  Life feels fuzzy.  My memory is poor.  I can barely concentrate enough to write this.  I want to be normal, but I am not quite sure what "normal" means anymore.  I feel like I have been over-medicated, poorly diagnosed and victimized as a patient.  I feel like I have reached my breaking point with the symptoms and issues discussed and the constant adjustment to new medications.  I don't have the guts to commit suicide and know that I have a good life, despite my mental issues - so don't worry, I am not going to go that route.  My wife and parents are amazingly supportive of me and want to help.  But I just can't take it anymore.  I'm fed up.  There has to be a solution.

I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read this rant, and any help or advice you might have to offer.

Thank you,

Andrew

[tashi72]

Okay, Andrew, thank you for telling your story. I did not want to face that I had bp for 10 years after I got off of lithium because it was so damaging, that and depakote. So I totally understand your fear/desperation with medicine. You brought up a good point, or someone did about going to an endocrinologist. I'm going to try that too. The real reason I'm writing is because my mood swings, crying, rage, etc. destroyed my marriage. I don't say that to guilt you at all. Please don't take it that way. I'm trying to help in some way to make suggestions so you never have to go through the pain that I was in. Have you ever gone to marriage counseling? You didn't say, or maybe I missed it, if you are in therapy also? I highly recommend that. Another thing I rec. is Dialectical Behavior Therapy because you have so much anger and it gives you non-medicinal coping skills. They also have classes.A good therapist would also validate your feelings which I think you probably need very badly not to feel so alone, and to empower you so that you see that you do have more control than you think. I wanted to ask you also to ask your psychiatrist about a personality disorder? I was looked at for Borderline Personality Disorder which includes all the symptoms you mentioned. DBT is great for that, and you'd be on less medication. DBT is really the most effective thing for that. Of course I'm not a psychiatrist, but if you read about bpd, you would know best of everyone. Have you had your thyroid checked? Also, what do you think about taking a brief separation from your marriage to give your wife a break and give yourself time to heal/relax, etc. I wish I'd done that. Besides, I bet the stress of your marriage/guilt is making your symptoms and stress sooo much worse. Since you have free floating anxiety, and a need for control, I bet you are also giving every little worry it's own screenplay and feel tremendous guilt and shame/self esteem loss for things you just cannot help. I am feeling that way right now also. I do hope it's a simple endocrine problem, and I'll be sending positive thoughts your way.
God bless you,
Tashi

[cat1157]

Oh, Andrew!  your story sounds so much like mine has through my life.  And i know it is so miserable.  i feel for you-i really really do.  Mine started out that bad and finally they got me on some medicine that actually worked and stayed working-at least with the depression and the mood swings.  I don't know if you ever feel normal once you have developed this illness or that is the problem i am having.
I, too, have a graduates degree and a family (how i don't know), because i am so scattered brained and frustered with keeping inner thoughts straight.  On top of my illness, i developed concurrent severe migraines that were occuring daily.  Finally i am seeing a specialist for that and they put me on Topamax which is also used to treat bi polar, so i am no understanding why the side effects are counteracting my other meds and now i am back to up and down and really depressed.  
you can't win for losing.  i find something that helps my head, but brings back the biplor to the surface.
It really sounds like this is your problem. i may be wrong because i am not a doctor, but your story is soooooooo much like mine!   my thoughts are with you.  i know how miserable it is. it is hard for your family because only people like you and i know what it feels like and what we go through.  they don't understand.
good luck
catrina

[littlelady00]

Hi, i'm younger than you and was diagnosed with panic attacks two years ago. i know what it feels like to feel helpless and like the medication wasn't doing anything. i was on effexor xr for approx. 9 months and i decided it wasn't doing anything for me and i decided to go off.. It was very difficult. However, i did end up going to a naturopathic doctor who has really, really helped me. A lot of your symptoms can be related the side effects of the medication your taking... A lot of people can actually get suicidal on medication... or depressed etc. You need to make sure you have the right diagnosis first and second of all try alternative to prescription medication or a mix of both. Trust me, the effexor xr alone was enough to make me go crazy...  so it's just my advice but i really think you should speak to a naturopath doctor .. you never know either what the long term effects of all these prescription drugs are either... OH! and it's a heck of a lot cheaper the herbs you get rather than prescription.. it was costing me before close to $300 a month and now like $15!

good luck!

[Andrew S]

Hope,

Ya know -- I never really considered the idea of just getting the hell out of bed when I wake up after 3 or 4 hours and starting my day.  I always try to fight it and lay there in and out of conciousness for the next 3 or 4 hours.  Perhaps I will give this a shot and see how it plays out.  

-Andrew

[Hope75]

Sorry you feel bad right now - key words being right now.  It is temporary, you will feel better at some point so just hold out.  My mom is BP.  Thank God I escaped that, but, I do have severe anxiety, panic and insomnia.  Sometimes depression follows that.  Nothing manic though.  So, anxiety and insomnia - they do feel like hell on earth at the time, but they can be helped - just give it time.  Number one - get a very, very good psychiatrist.  I happened upon mine by accident and he's been a godsend.  I get intense counseling as well.  Very important the counseling thing!!!!  I am now pretty successful - not symptom free, but not in hell either.  I have tried zoloft, paxil, lamictal - yes haze, cymbalta, elavil, you name it.  Zoloft worked for me, for 1.5 yrs, then changed to pamelor and cymbalta b/c I developed peripheral neuropathy (burning feet) and they are supposed to help with pain.  I take Valium when anxious, and tranxene 15mg to sleep every night.  Remeron used to put me to sleep, but I gained 30lbs.  Ambien - creepy but I slept ok.  You just have to give it all a chance, unfortunately.  I had to learn to be patient for the meds to work and in the meantime, I had to have a "lifeline" or someone I could call if I got a panic attack - day or night.  I also thought my marriage would fail, but it didn't!  Through sickness and in health.  And by the way, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!  Your testosterone is in the basement!!!  That can make you feel like **** - my co-worker is going through the same thing.  Also, vivid dreams can be from meds or just being plain tired as hell and anxious as hell.  When you wake up, get out of bed and read - no tv, very low light.  Read something totally boring and try not to fret about not getting 8.0hrs of sleep - you can still function on just 2-3 and you will sleep the next night or the next night - may not be 8.0hrs, but just let it ride.  The more you worry about the amt. of sleep you are getting, the less you will sleep.  Know that you are NOT alone - we are all out here, having issues too.  Very common actually - everyone has issues.
Take care

[KelBentl6]

What is Bipolar 2?  Have you tried GOD as well as medicine.

[Tbutler923]

Would you ask that to a diabetic before they took an insulin shot?

And yes I am a Christian with Bipolar 2