Reaching my Breaking Point - Bipolar 2 and TRT.

[Andrew S]

Thanks in advance for any help....

I am 26 years old.  For the past 7 years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, insomnia, irratibility, manicness, mood swings, inconsistency, etc. etc. etc.  Life has been one hell of a roller coaster, but in this time I have managed to graduate college and an MBA, secure and maintain a well-paying and fulfilling business career and marry the love of my life (and hang on to her thus far).

I have seen 3 different family doctors, 2 different psychiatrists and 1 endocrinologist...  I have been diagnosed with it all, and been prescribed just about every drug imaginable for these symptoms:  Anxiety & depression: Effexor, Effexor XR, Cymbalta, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro.  Sleep/Insomnia: Sonata, Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, Restoril, Melatonin, Elavil, Seroquel, Provigil, Trezadone, Xanax.  Bipolar 2: Lamictal.  Low Testosterone: Testim.  None of these drugs have solved my problems permanently - some have mitigated some symptoms in the short term.

My current diagnoses and treatments are: Bipolar 2 disorder, insomnia and low testosterone (tested at 104 ng/dl).  I am currently taking the following medications: Lamictal 200mg once a day.  Testim 5g (50mg testosterone) once a day (on this for 2 months now, testosterone levels at 380 ng/dl now).  Xanax 2mg and Melatonin 9mg at night for sleep.

I am suffering.  I am constantly in a daze.  I rarely sleep more than four and a half hours a night.  My mood is up and down in a moments' time.  Anxiety is free floating and depression occurs at least once every day for an hour or so.  I am quick to snap at my wife and our dogs.  I have the shortest fuse.  The smallest annoyances set me off.  I can hardly focus on my work, but manage through it.  I have little motivation to exercise (although few people do), but manage to do 3 days a week of cardio (45 minutes) and 5 days a week of weightlifting.  Exercise helps significantly, but I don't have time for any more than I already do.  Lately, all I have wanted to do is lie in bed and watch TV.  I have lost a few close friends due to my lack of need for social interaction.  I make poor and whimsical financial purchases because they feel good.  My dreams at night are vivid, and I feel like they are creeping into my days now.  I could go one, but I think I have made the point.

Recently I have had a few notably bizarre episodes: About 2 months ago I made a very poor attempt at suicide - I couldn't break the surface with the knife on my wrist (and didn't really want to do it anyways I think).  I've had a number of overwhelming panic attacks recently where I become hot and tingly all over and feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.  I have had several episodes where I have "blanked (not blacked) out", curled up into the fetal position, cried and basically become frozen for a period of fifteen minutes.

And lastly, yet most importantly - I feel that my marriage may be suffering.  I am amazed that my wife can still tolerate me at this point.  I don't treat her very well anymore.  My sex drive is non-existant.  I feel so guilty that she has to bare the brunt of these symptoms.  I know she has to tip-toe around me and I hate it.

In summation: I am in a daze.  Life feels fuzzy.  My memory is poor.  I can barely concentrate enough to write this.  I want to be normal, but I am not quite sure what "normal" means anymore.  I feel like I have been over-medicated, poorly diagnosed and victimized as a patient.  I feel like I have reached my breaking point with the symptoms and issues discussed and the constant adjustment to new medications.  I don't have the guts to commit suicide and know that I have a good life, despite my mental issues - so don't worry, I am not going to go that route.  My wife and parents are amazingly supportive of me and want to help.  But I just can't take it anymore.  I'm fed up.  There has to be a solution.

I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read this rant, and any help or advice you might have to offer.

Thank you,

Andrew

[enpassant]

Out of all the issues you mentioned, low testosterone will cause depression and low sex drive. It would not cause cyclic symptoms of mania and depression

[tsnowe123]

Actually I have had extencive testing, thiroid, testosterone, glucose, and the list goes on. All have come out fine. It wasn't until after I was hospitalized and had several psychiatric evaluations, before we found the "problem?"

[Andrew S]

Shawn -

I have a sneaky suspicion that I may not in fact be Bipolar...  The testosterone issue points in that direction -- my doctor had NEVER seen anyone test below 150 ng/dl (I was at 104) before me, and I am only 26.  Basically, I had the test levels of an 8 year old girl.  Pretty nuts.  So I am wondering if maybe I have an endocrine issue that is causing BP-like symptoms, but who knows.  

Tsnowe -

Thanks for the support.  I feel you -- sounds like we are in the same boat.  I know you are a female, but have you ever had your endocrine system checked out?  Not trying to play doctor here, but I had to uncover this myself, and my low test levels point to A LOT of BP-like symptoms...  Not sure how this works for females though.

I wish the best for you all.

-Andrew

[tsnowe123]

P.S. are you like this too? Do you go through mood swings like this? Also, my boyfriend of 10 years says he has seen a major difference in my moods, and kind of misses my extreme moods at times, but he, like you does not believe in these types of diagnosis either..... or any other mood disorder... so, again, maybe your right, but sdo you have advise? what DO you think?

[tsnowe123]

WELL, yeah, it is possible. But when your mood goes from one EXTREME to the other in a matter of seconds, and you make rash decisions on a constant basis and can't stop crying because it is out of control, you go to a PSCYATRIST and they put you on meds (which I really don't believe in) and suddenly your moods are not so drastic... you have to wonder. Sometimes, we just want an explination of why we are like this. My friensds think it's a joke.. they have no idea that I was diagnosed with this, or that I have been taking meds, and before I started medication they used to call me  "crazy tanya" . My children have no idea that I am on medication, and 3 weeks later, my 9 year old asked me.. "why are you being so nice and not so upset all the time?" But , maybe your right, but we don't know what else to do....

[shawn47]

Could it be at all possible that you're not bipolar?  uh, both of you?