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Reaching my Breaking Point - Bipolar 2 and TRT.
Thanks in advance for any help....
I am 26 years old. For the past 7 years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, insomnia, irratibility, manicness, mood swings, inconsistency, etc. etc. etc. Life has been one hell of a roller coaster, but in this time I have managed to graduate college and an MBA, secure and maintain a well-paying and fulfilling business career and marry the love of my life (and hang on to her thus far).
I have seen 3 different family doctors, 2 different psychiatrists and 1 endocrinologist... I have been diagnosed with it all, and been prescribed just about every drug imaginable for these symptoms: Anxiety & depression: Effexor, Effexor XR, Cymbalta, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro. Sleep/Insomnia: Sonata, Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, Restoril, Melatonin, Elavil, Seroquel, Provigil, Trezadone, Xanax. Bipolar 2: Lamictal. Low Testosterone: Testim. None of these drugs have solved my problems permanently - some have mitigated some symptoms in the short term.
My current diagnoses and treatments are: Bipolar 2 disorder, insomnia and low testosterone (tested at 104 ng/dl). I am currently taking the following medications: Lamictal 200mg once a day. Testim 5g (50mg testosterone) once a day (on this for 2 months now, testosterone levels at 380 ng/dl now). Xanax 2mg and Melatonin 9mg at night for sleep.
I am suffering. I am constantly in a daze. I rarely sleep more than four and a half hours a night. My mood is up and down in a moments' time. Anxiety is free floating and depression occurs at least once every day for an hour or so. I am quick to snap at my wife and our dogs. I have the shortest fuse. The smallest annoyances set me off. I can hardly focus on my work, but manage through it. I have little motivation to exercise (although few people do), but manage to do 3 days a week of cardio (45 minutes) and 5 days a week of weightlifting. Exercise helps significantly, but I don't have time for any more than I already do. Lately, all I have wanted to do is lie in bed and watch TV. I have lost a few close friends due to my lack of need for social interaction. I make poor and whimsical financial purchases because they feel good. My dreams at night are vivid, and I feel like they are creeping into my days now. I could go one, but I think I have made the point.
Recently I have had a few notably bizarre episodes: About 2 months ago I made a very poor attempt at suicide - I couldn't break the surface with the knife on my wrist (and didn't really want to do it anyways I think). I've had a number of overwhelming panic attacks recently where I become hot and tingly all over and feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I have had several episodes where I have "blanked (not blacked) out", curled up into the fetal position, cried and basically become frozen for a period of fifteen minutes.
And lastly, yet most importantly - I feel that my marriage may be suffering. I am amazed that my wife can still tolerate me at this point. I don't treat her very well anymore. My sex drive is non-existant. I feel so guilty that she has to bare the brunt of these symptoms. I know she has to tip-toe around me and I hate it.
In summation: I am in a daze. Life feels fuzzy. My memory is poor. I can barely concentrate enough to write this. I want to be normal, but I am not quite sure what "normal" means anymore. I feel like I have been over-medicated, poorly diagnosed and victimized as a patient. I feel like I have reached my breaking point with the symptoms and issues discussed and the constant adjustment to new medications. I don't have the guts to commit suicide and know that I have a good life, despite my mental issues - so don't worry, I am not going to go that route. My wife and parents are amazingly supportive of me and want to help. But I just can't take it anymore. I'm fed up. There has to be a solution.
I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read this rant, and any help or advice you might have to offer.
Thank you,
Andrew
I am 26 years old. For the past 7 years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, insomnia, irratibility, manicness, mood swings, inconsistency, etc. etc. etc. Life has been one hell of a roller coaster, but in this time I have managed to graduate college and an MBA, secure and maintain a well-paying and fulfilling business career and marry the love of my life (and hang on to her thus far).
I have seen 3 different family doctors, 2 different psychiatrists and 1 endocrinologist... I have been diagnosed with it all, and been prescribed just about every drug imaginable for these symptoms: Anxiety & depression: Effexor, Effexor XR, Cymbalta, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro. Sleep/Insomnia: Sonata, Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, Restoril, Melatonin, Elavil, Seroquel, Provigil, Trezadone, Xanax. Bipolar 2: Lamictal. Low Testosterone: Testim. None of these drugs have solved my problems permanently - some have mitigated some symptoms in the short term.
My current diagnoses and treatments are: Bipolar 2 disorder, insomnia and low testosterone (tested at 104 ng/dl). I am currently taking the following medications: Lamictal 200mg once a day. Testim 5g (50mg testosterone) once a day (on this for 2 months now, testosterone levels at 380 ng/dl now). Xanax 2mg and Melatonin 9mg at night for sleep.
I am suffering. I am constantly in a daze. I rarely sleep more than four and a half hours a night. My mood is up and down in a moments' time. Anxiety is free floating and depression occurs at least once every day for an hour or so. I am quick to snap at my wife and our dogs. I have the shortest fuse. The smallest annoyances set me off. I can hardly focus on my work, but manage through it. I have little motivation to exercise (although few people do), but manage to do 3 days a week of cardio (45 minutes) and 5 days a week of weightlifting. Exercise helps significantly, but I don't have time for any more than I already do. Lately, all I have wanted to do is lie in bed and watch TV. I have lost a few close friends due to my lack of need for social interaction. I make poor and whimsical financial purchases because they feel good. My dreams at night are vivid, and I feel like they are creeping into my days now. I could go one, but I think I have made the point.
Recently I have had a few notably bizarre episodes: About 2 months ago I made a very poor attempt at suicide - I couldn't break the surface with the knife on my wrist (and didn't really want to do it anyways I think). I've had a number of overwhelming panic attacks recently where I become hot and tingly all over and feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I have had several episodes where I have "blanked (not blacked) out", curled up into the fetal position, cried and basically become frozen for a period of fifteen minutes.
And lastly, yet most importantly - I feel that my marriage may be suffering. I am amazed that my wife can still tolerate me at this point. I don't treat her very well anymore. My sex drive is non-existant. I feel so guilty that she has to bare the brunt of these symptoms. I know she has to tip-toe around me and I hate it.
In summation: I am in a daze. Life feels fuzzy. My memory is poor. I can barely concentrate enough to write this. I want to be normal, but I am not quite sure what "normal" means anymore. I feel like I have been over-medicated, poorly diagnosed and victimized as a patient. I feel like I have reached my breaking point with the symptoms and issues discussed and the constant adjustment to new medications. I don't have the guts to commit suicide and know that I have a good life, despite my mental issues - so don't worry, I am not going to go that route. My wife and parents are amazingly supportive of me and want to help. But I just can't take it anymore. I'm fed up. There has to be a solution.
I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read this rant, and any help or advice you might have to offer.
Thank you,
Andrew
Hi Again,
I left out a few things that I think may be important as well (in no particular order)...
I am 6'0", 185 lbs, 10% bodyfat.
When I was 23, I used marijuana and cocaine 7 or 8 times each. None since.
I drink alcohol on average once a week - typically up to 4 drinks. It doesn't really make me feel good anymore, and I get hungover very easily.
I was only recently diagnosed BP2 -- before that it was always anxiety or depression.
I have also been diagnosed obsessive compulsive - which I failed to mention is also a significant "symptom" for me. I don't do rituals or anything like that, but everything must be in a straight line, no clutter, etc.
I eat a clean diet of about 2700 calories a day including lean proteins and whole grains, complex carbs, etc.
I am very doubtful that BP2 is the correct diagnosis for me.
That's all... Thanks again for your time and help
-Andrew
I left out a few things that I think may be important as well (in no particular order)...
I am 6'0", 185 lbs, 10% bodyfat.
When I was 23, I used marijuana and cocaine 7 or 8 times each. None since.
I drink alcohol on average once a week - typically up to 4 drinks. It doesn't really make me feel good anymore, and I get hungover very easily.
I was only recently diagnosed BP2 -- before that it was always anxiety or depression.
I have also been diagnosed obsessive compulsive - which I failed to mention is also a significant "symptom" for me. I don't do rituals or anything like that, but everything must be in a straight line, no clutter, etc.
I eat a clean diet of about 2700 calories a day including lean proteins and whole grains, complex carbs, etc.
I am very doubtful that BP2 is the correct diagnosis for me.
That's all... Thanks again for your time and help
-Andrew
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