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14yr old son refuses to do Anything!
I've been either on the phone with the school or having a meeting at the school for the last month. My son refuses to do his homework if he does get it done it doesn't get turned in 95% of the time. He has 2 D's and the rest F's already this year (which what he had at end of year last year). He refuses to do anything in Gym, won't take his gym clothes to school, refuses to do his chores.
We started taking away priveledges a month ago and now I feel more like a jail warden than a loving mother. No video games, no play time with friends, no music, nothing fun, no treats/candy, etc, etc. Nothing seems to be having an effect.
The school is at a loss as well they can't seem to get him to do what he is supposed to do there either. School counselor is now having him do community service. He isn't being violent or disruptive, he just won't do schoolwork, be responsible for anything or do chores.
He is a great kid with a wonderful personality and it is killing me to see him throwing his education away. We can take priveledges away and have extra chores and other punishments but he doesn't seem to care. He sat smirking in counselor's office during last meeting--I wanted to scream!
We've decided to have him participate in a mental health program that is supposed to help with kids like this but I am at a loss. I have been consistent and I am utterly exhausted, I am pregnant and have fibromyalgia as well. The stress of all this is causing me to have a major flare up so I am in excruciating pain and can barely walk up the stairs to our home.
If anyone has any ideas at all I would appreciate...I have an education in psychology and am at a loss on what to do next.
This discussion is related to How to discipline kids who "don't care"..
We started taking away priveledges a month ago and now I feel more like a jail warden than a loving mother. No video games, no play time with friends, no music, nothing fun, no treats/candy, etc, etc. Nothing seems to be having an effect.
The school is at a loss as well they can't seem to get him to do what he is supposed to do there either. School counselor is now having him do community service. He isn't being violent or disruptive, he just won't do schoolwork, be responsible for anything or do chores.
He is a great kid with a wonderful personality and it is killing me to see him throwing his education away. We can take priveledges away and have extra chores and other punishments but he doesn't seem to care. He sat smirking in counselor's office during last meeting--I wanted to scream!
We've decided to have him participate in a mental health program that is supposed to help with kids like this but I am at a loss. I have been consistent and I am utterly exhausted, I am pregnant and have fibromyalgia as well. The stress of all this is causing me to have a major flare up so I am in excruciating pain and can barely walk up the stairs to our home.
If anyone has any ideas at all I would appreciate...I have an education in psychology and am at a loss on what to do next.
This discussion is related to How to discipline kids who "don't care"..
This solution only works if you can afford it. If you can't afford it, you may be able to get a scholarship.
My son was a genuine pain in the neck. Like yours, not doing his work, being hopelessly lazy, etc. Otherwise a great kid. A teacher came up with a clever idea. He said I should send him away to a boarding school. It then became the school's responsibility, not mine, to make him toe the line. And that a good school produced good results, presuming the boy was naturally able.
We chose a school carefully and sent him away. He rose to the top and was very popular with the teachers. And he was happy. All it seemed he needed was old-fashioned discipline. Ultimately he was accepted by a top tier college.
My son was a genuine pain in the neck. Like yours, not doing his work, being hopelessly lazy, etc. Otherwise a great kid. A teacher came up with a clever idea. He said I should send him away to a boarding school. It then became the school's responsibility, not mine, to make him toe the line. And that a good school produced good results, presuming the boy was naturally able.
We chose a school carefully and sent him away. He rose to the top and was very popular with the teachers. And he was happy. All it seemed he needed was old-fashioned discipline. Ultimately he was accepted by a top tier college.
Rock Rose I agree with you. At the time I did not have much say in the home. My husband was a controling dominering jerk what he said went. My son was definately sick of the bullying and sick of his step-father and the way he treated both of us. He loves his sister very much so that was never part of the issue for him.
For the record as long as my husband was not home home was welcoming, loving and peaceful. My son and I have a great relationship. It was mainly school where the issues were and then went on to chores for awhile.
He finally switched gears and started following a lot of Mama's advice ;o) He did karate for awhile which helped give him some confidence and skills to defend if need be. He brought up his grades on his own with hard work. He constantly champions for the kids that get picked on and girl that are getting hurt by other guys. He also stands up for the girls when guys give unwanted attention and lectures them on treating girls with respect not like pieces of meat. Gets on other guys about respecting their Mama's and doing what they are supposed to.
He has a job which he does well and attends school. His girlfriend is a sweetheart and he still makes plenty of time for Mama as well in his busy life helping out with chores. There are times he will take over and make Mama sit down and take a break while he finishes up. He is quite the gentleman I am proud of him on so many levels!~!!
After getting away from my husband and the constant state of fight vs flight stresses going on...I was able to realize that my health issues (all except my lower back) were directly tied to malnutrition, dehydration and liver issues that were excerbated by soda ...which was about the only thing my husband was willing to buy. He wouldn't buy enough food and I made sure my children got their fill first. My health has done a complete 180 I am still working at getting stronger from the length of the mobility issues but it is looking up.
I did not have internet access for quite some time. Though it has been 3yrs now I felt it only proper to at least respond now that I have had a chance to read your responses.
Getting my son away from my husband was the best thing I ever did for him. That was why I was having such a hard time I KNEW he wasn't lasy and I KNEW he was a smart, loving boy. I also KNEW he was rebelling against the abuse my husband was dishing out he was very angry about how my husband treated us..though he started picking up on his behaviors and mimicing them. That is where it was hardest for me seeing my boy starting to become the same way. Now he is back to being the Awesome young man I always knew and is a huge advocated against domestic violence and disrespect towards women.
For the record as long as my husband was not home home was welcoming, loving and peaceful. My son and I have a great relationship. It was mainly school where the issues were and then went on to chores for awhile.
He finally switched gears and started following a lot of Mama's advice ;o) He did karate for awhile which helped give him some confidence and skills to defend if need be. He brought up his grades on his own with hard work. He constantly champions for the kids that get picked on and girl that are getting hurt by other guys. He also stands up for the girls when guys give unwanted attention and lectures them on treating girls with respect not like pieces of meat. Gets on other guys about respecting their Mama's and doing what they are supposed to.
He has a job which he does well and attends school. His girlfriend is a sweetheart and he still makes plenty of time for Mama as well in his busy life helping out with chores. There are times he will take over and make Mama sit down and take a break while he finishes up. He is quite the gentleman I am proud of him on so many levels!~!!
After getting away from my husband and the constant state of fight vs flight stresses going on...I was able to realize that my health issues (all except my lower back) were directly tied to malnutrition, dehydration and liver issues that were excerbated by soda ...which was about the only thing my husband was willing to buy. He wouldn't buy enough food and I made sure my children got their fill first. My health has done a complete 180 I am still working at getting stronger from the length of the mobility issues but it is looking up.
I did not have internet access for quite some time. Though it has been 3yrs now I felt it only proper to at least respond now that I have had a chance to read your responses.
Getting my son away from my husband was the best thing I ever did for him. That was why I was having such a hard time I KNEW he wasn't lasy and I KNEW he was a smart, loving boy. I also KNEW he was rebelling against the abuse my husband was dishing out he was very angry about how my husband treated us..though he started picking up on his behaviors and mimicing them. That is where it was hardest for me seeing my boy starting to become the same way. Now he is back to being the Awesome young man I always knew and is a huge advocated against domestic violence and disrespect towards women.
No Rose not hard ,plain speaking and I absolutly agree with your every word ... take the privilleges away mother..he will soon toe the line ...
Motherheart, kids who do this are giving the world the finger. A lot of kids don't do homework or chores, but when you say he often does his homework but won't turn it in, he's doing the only thing he knows how to flip everyone off.
So I went to your profile.
It sounds like he was the victim of terrible bullying, and your husband (his stepfather?) is being a jerk. You're sick, and very busy, and are pregnant with another child (not his full biosibling? I'm guessing here) and he's hurting.
I think you need to come at this the other way - rather than taking away privileges, get him help with the bullying issue and work on making his homelife welcoming and loving where he feels at peace.
Best wishes. This sounds hard, but I do think once it is recognized he's trying to express rage - not laziness - you can move in the right direction.
So I went to your profile.
It sounds like he was the victim of terrible bullying, and your husband (his stepfather?) is being a jerk. You're sick, and very busy, and are pregnant with another child (not his full biosibling? I'm guessing here) and he's hurting.
I think you need to come at this the other way - rather than taking away privileges, get him help with the bullying issue and work on making his homelife welcoming and loving where he feels at peace.
Best wishes. This sounds hard, but I do think once it is recognized he's trying to express rage - not laziness - you can move in the right direction.
I would get him evaluated to determine why he is so defiant. There has to be a reason he is acting this way, and with help he can get better. It sounds like you've done all you can from your end, so maybe it's time for some professional help. I do wish him and all of you the very best, I can hear your frustration in your words! Get him some help so all of you can get back to normal. Take care!
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