Help for my 4 year old grandson

[Neneneedshelp]

My grandson has been abandon by his mother, and after a few years by his father.  His mother is bi-polar and his father has mental issues as well.  My grandson is exhibiting behavioral issues.  He is extremely defiant.  When punished (time out or spanking), only makes matters worse.  Seems to want attention whether the attention is good or bad.  Not sure what to do.

[missy343]

at four, he is obviously going to have some pretty serious issues after being doubly abandoned, and with there being a parental history, he may also tend to the mental health issues as well.  As the above postings say, try to focus on the positive, reward small gains and good behaviour, and whilst not exactly ignoring the bad behaviour, state that you don't like it and why and that its not acceptable to you, and move on quickly.
This child will desperately need ROUTINE, STABILITY, SECURITY and LOVE.
I also definitely think that the intervention of a professional child psychiatrist or psychologist is warranted in this case.  They may have advice that can help you cope with the behavioural problems.  Remember too that the bad behaviour will always be worse in times of stress and upheaval so things may gradually improve to a degree.
Lavish him with as much positive attention as you can (especially when he has done something good) and distract him away from naughtiness if that helps.
good luck, I really hope that things will improve.  
PS make a set routine for your day, and try not to vary too much from it - the stability of a routine and knowing exactly what will happen when gives a sense of familiarity and security to children who have had a difficult time.

[Natta1980]

While they will not diagnose bi-polar or a mood- disorder at 4, it is important to consider this possibility when evaluating him.

Behavioral therapy, manegement plans, peppered with lots and lots of love and affection will do the trick.....Probably should withhold spankings altogether, does not work with children with mood disorders anyway.....

Meanwhile, you already figured out that attention is a key. Do not ignore him - ignore his behavior, bad behavior, set limits, and give him as little emotional reaction as possible....Works charms with my son, same age, possible mood disorder (dad's side of the family), no abandonment issues though.....As hard as it is, ignore bad, praise good....

Good luck

[RockRose]

Nene,  this is very hard.    With two parents with mental illness, it seems likely he's inherited mental illness too - and he's been  neglected and abandoned on top of it.

He sounds like he needs evaluation and intervention by a really good child psychiatrist and behavioral therapy that will help him learn to work out his problems better.  

Best wishes.