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POPULAR CROWD
Hi - I have a general question that I thought maybe the people in this forum could help me with. What characteristics do you think makes a child one of the "popular" or "accepted" crowd in school? And what characteristics do you think makes them an outcast?
great for him, Al. I can just see it - sounds like he handled it really well. Girls can be so irritating with saying everything is disgusting.
ROCKROSE - thanks - I wish I could see that kid in action so I could teach my son how to do that too! Some kids really are just smoooth like that. I am actually feeling a little better today - we had a small breakthrough yesterday when one of the "mean girls' in his class said "Ew! you scribbled on your paper - that's disgusting" and my son looked her right in the eye and said "why do YOU care about MY paper? Mind your own business!" he was laughing when he told me the story because he said her mouth dropped and her face got all red and she walked away! LOL!!!!!! I said I guess she won't be bothering him again! I've been telling him to do that for months and months but he never would. He was feeling pretty proud of himself - so I'm hoping that boosts his confidence. Apparently he is open to suggestion - he just has to work up the nerve on his own. I agree that the best thing I can do is just be there and try to suggest things and just listen to him as I have been. I think that's where kids get in trouble - when no one is listening and they are internalizing everything and trying to figure it all out with no guidance. Thanks again!
INDIGO39 - Thanks for your reply also - he does have somethings he loves to do and I do try to keep him involved in those things. He does have friends outside of school (a few in school - but more out side of school - like neighbors and friends from cubscouts and camp) Its just that school setting where he has trouble. And you're right all I can do is be supportive. I'm trying!! LOL!!!
INDIGO39 - Thanks for your reply also - he does have somethings he loves to do and I do try to keep him involved in those things. He does have friends outside of school (a few in school - but more out side of school - like neighbors and friends from cubscouts and camp) Its just that school setting where he has trouble. And you're right all I can do is be supportive. I'm trying!! LOL!!!
Does he have anything that he loves or is really good at? I always struggled myself, but it helped to have my one love (art) to keep me occupied, and it paved the way for friendships that I may never have otherwise formed. Maybe joining a club or something will help him interact better with his peers in a smaller setting than school....There's not really much more that YOU can do other than be as supportive as you can.
He views himself as 'everyone hates me', while the in-icrowd takes it for granted that 'everyone wants to be like me' - there's the difference.
He views himself as 'everyone hates me', while the in-icrowd takes it for granted that 'everyone wants to be like me' - there's the difference.
al - the best thing that will help your son is that you are trying to help him. So many kids who are cast out have parents who really don't put any effort into helping them - seems so sad. So I think you're on the right track.
My oldest son had some difficulties socially growing up - but he was really receptive to suggestions. Maybe your son will be too. What I ended up doing was watching his peers who were really socially savvy, and watching how they handled teasing. One boy was shorter than everyone else, had kind of a weird shaped eye - you'd think he'd be a target but he never was. I watched him, and when someone picked at him in teasing he'd just get this kind of neutral/sweet expression on his face, turn his face and in fact his whole body at an angle away from the person, kind of shrug and after about 3 seconds divert. "Hey, so and so (not the kid teasing) did you ever ask if you could get that movie?" So smooth, that kid was smooooooth. So I taught my son to do that - the exact motions of slowly turning, neutral expression, divert. The other thought is, if someone says his shirt is "gay", just shrug, neutral grin, hey I know but my mom's doing laundry and this was all had". Shrug, move on to the next topic. The thing here, is perfecting the easy, pleasing facial expression - and that's HARD.
And also, you're probably doing this - but it helps to have several friends. That's all he needs - a handful of boys he likes to hang out with. Can you invite a boy or two over often, and do fun stuff with them?
Best wishes. The first step is you want to help.
My oldest son had some difficulties socially growing up - but he was really receptive to suggestions. Maybe your son will be too. What I ended up doing was watching his peers who were really socially savvy, and watching how they handled teasing. One boy was shorter than everyone else, had kind of a weird shaped eye - you'd think he'd be a target but he never was. I watched him, and when someone picked at him in teasing he'd just get this kind of neutral/sweet expression on his face, turn his face and in fact his whole body at an angle away from the person, kind of shrug and after about 3 seconds divert. "Hey, so and so (not the kid teasing) did you ever ask if you could get that movie?" So smooth, that kid was smooooooth. So I taught my son to do that - the exact motions of slowly turning, neutral expression, divert. The other thought is, if someone says his shirt is "gay", just shrug, neutral grin, hey I know but my mom's doing laundry and this was all had". Shrug, move on to the next topic. The thing here, is perfecting the easy, pleasing facial expression - and that's HARD.
And also, you're probably doing this - but it helps to have several friends. That's all he needs - a handful of boys he likes to hang out with. Can you invite a boy or two over often, and do fun stuff with them?
Best wishes. The first step is you want to help.
Wow - great answer. You are very perceptive. Yes - I am asking for precisely that reason. My son seems to fall into the middle/teetering on the outcast level. He is extremely sensitive to the judgement of others and feels like everyone hates him. Most people say he has to "work on his social skills" but I don't know what that means or how to help him do that. It doesn't help that I do not do well in groups and my husband is very shy. I feel like I am throwing him to the wolves everyday. Kids are so candid and tough and they don't sugar coat anything and he has no idea how to respond to these kids that tell him that his "shirt is gay" or the music he likes "sucks". I tell him to stick up for himself - but he just takes it to heart and feels bad about himself..
Oops, forgot about another category of outcasts - the kids who don't connect at all. No one bullies them, or even interacts with them at all, often not even the teachers, they just float silently through the school. They don't do any after school activities, don't form any friendships and they are treated like a desk or something.
There are many tiers in a high school. The very tip top tier is not a good place to be - those kids tend to be intimidating and manipulative. They never find a crowd outside of high school who adore them unconditionally, and life hits the rocks after graduation for many.
The second tier are the socially adept, achieving, leaders. Teachers like them, other parents like them, and all the kids in the school feel fairly comfortable with them. This is the crowd to strive to be in.
Then there's a great middle ground of kids who are just average - they have friends but won't be elected to cheerleader or don't stand out as "student of the month". They're the bulk of the kids.
The outcast are perceived as weak. If they were to change schools, they would also be in the outcast position. Even in a small group setting like a Sunday School among kids they didn't previously know, they are quickly outcast. Their social skills are weak, they make obvious blunders and they seem to not be able to absorb and copy the behavior of their peers. "Class clowns" teeter here, but often they have a well-developed sense of humor that carries them through.
I'm curious as to why you are asking - are you trying to get a child through a rough patch in school?
The second tier are the socially adept, achieving, leaders. Teachers like them, other parents like them, and all the kids in the school feel fairly comfortable with them. This is the crowd to strive to be in.
Then there's a great middle ground of kids who are just average - they have friends but won't be elected to cheerleader or don't stand out as "student of the month". They're the bulk of the kids.
The outcast are perceived as weak. If they were to change schools, they would also be in the outcast position. Even in a small group setting like a Sunday School among kids they didn't previously know, they are quickly outcast. Their social skills are weak, they make obvious blunders and they seem to not be able to absorb and copy the behavior of their peers. "Class clowns" teeter here, but often they have a well-developed sense of humor that carries them through.
I'm curious as to why you are asking - are you trying to get a child through a rough patch in school?
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