School says daughter has problems, but pediatrician & therapists don't

[DLS22574]

I'm at my wits' end.  My daughter is fairly well behaved at home, but since 1st grade has had behavior problems at school, and they've gotten much worse this year.

Her current classroom is small and crowded and my daughter has been complaining endlessly at school that it's very noisy and she can't concentrate.  She's been moved to different seats and it hasn't helped.  She's allowed to leave the classroom when she gets too overwhelmed, so she spends a good chunk of time outside the classroom so she misses a lot of the lessons.  The teacher is exasperated by her behavior and wants my husband and I to find a solution to it.  I told her that she is sensitive to noisy environments and hates crowds but we don't know what to do about it.

She's on a IEP for her behavior problems and last year her IEP team said I should tell her pediatrician that she has behavior problems in school and that she needs a referral to a therapist because they think she has mental issues.  When I told the pediatrician about my daughter's problems in school, she didn't think they were a big deal and told me she doesn't need a therapist.  When I told the IEP team what the pediatrician said at this year's meeting, they were livid.  They told me at this meeting that I absolutely have to find a therapist for my child, that she has severe mental issues and that she wouldn't make it in middle school if I didn't. (She's in 4th grade right now.)  I've contacted several therapists and most wouldn't see my daughter because they didn't think she had any mental problems, and that seeing her would be a waste of their and my daughters' time.  They said it was the school's responsibility to resolve the issues.

Right now I don't know what to think, and I'm panicking because the IEP team expects me to line up a therapist but no therapist will see her.  I don't want to tell them that no therapist will see her because I'm very afraid of their reaction (I find the IEP meetings very intimidating.)  I'm still looking for a therapist.  I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.  Thanks.

[specialmom]

ah, I'm so sorry she is having a difficult time of it.  I think that out of character response and that she is crying is a sign that someone to talk to would be really helpful for her.  Psychologists and therapists work on all kinds of things besides just mental health disorders ---  if a child has issues with social skills/peers, that is a common subject, self esteem, general unhappiness, even maybe her communication style with adults and friends.  It isn't really changing a kid to work on developing skills that didn't come naturally or fixing ways of handling things that don't work.  It is the same thing as an adult that is having trouble with their marriage and feeling bad about it----  they see a therapist to address new things to try that might help the situation, different communication techniques to try, and in general, to help deal with emotions the difficult situation is causing.  It isn't changing someone's personality to seek this kind of help but teaching them new skills and making them feel heard by an empathetic ear.  

Hopefully you'll be able to find some info out about sensory processing.  I have a niece that has auditory issues and noise threw her off.  Her iep includes headphones and an ipod during certain times of the day at school.  

I do wish you luck and hope very much that things improve with your daughter!

[Sandman2]

   Yes, I definitely think that checking out SIDS is worth your time.  
You know she also shows signs of a child with ADHD.  But normally they don't complain about the noise in a classroom.  However kids with ADHD do have a very hard time concentrating in a noisy environment and if she is trying to get good grades its possible.  I have found from years in the classroom and monitoring the ADHD forum that a child with intelligence can do quite well in school until things like common denominators, etc  show up.  I do worry about her drop in grades and loss of self esteem - those things are often symptoms of something like ADHD.   You might want to check out this site on symptoms of ADHD and see what you think.
   http://www.rxlist.com/attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder_adhd/article.htm#tocb
    And if you do have any more questions on ADHD, I do monitor the ADHD forum.  And specialmom has a lot of experience with sensory integration if you have any questions on those lines.  Best wishes!

[stillamommasgrl]

It breaks my heart to hear you say you knew you were inferior to the other students.  Maybe you were different, but inferior, no.  The schools convince us that being different means being inferior and this mentality is what lowers self esteem.  I also felt this way in school because I was different, and now both of our children are going through the same thing.  I sometimes feel like I was reliving my own childhood with my son, except that this time I had a voice.  Why should your daughter, or any other child, have to find ways to cope with an unhealthy situation.  Maybe the time and energy should be put towards changing the environment these kids are in instead of trying to change the kids.  Your daughter should be able to speak out about things she sees as being wrong.  She sounds like a very intuitive child and a very caring one too.  Maybe she is trying to help the other children by standing up for what she feels is right.  Maybe she doesn't yet have the tools to do it in a way that is acceptable to the school, but at least she has the guts to do it.  The only thing she complains about is the noise.  She doesn't complain about the unfair treatment or the fact that the teachers refuse to accept her for who she is or the fact that she is shouldering the blame for things she cannot control.  My son behaved in a similar manner.  He never refused to go to school and to this day he "councils" my husband and me about trying not to be bitter about what happened.  He says it made him stronger and he learned a lot about people and himself during that time.  He says no one is perfect and all we can do is try to be better and be proud of the desire to become better people.  This  coming from a 14 year old.  He is 17 now, but told us those things at 14.  His teachers told us he had mental problems and they went from one extreme to the other.  I had a teacher ask me if I was afraid of my own son.  We were told that he couldn't possibly reason things out when he was in kindergarten when we knew he could.  He was our first child so we thought it was normal to be able to reason with a 4/5 year old.  You know your child better than any teacher or administrator does.  Don't let them bully you into anything you don't feel comfortable with.  Stand your ground and believe in your daughter, just like you have been doing.  You sound like a very caring mother and you sound like you know your child.  Trust in that, and trust your own intuition to tell you if something is wrong with her.  I don't know her, so I would never try to tell you what is going on inside her head.  From what you have said I don't see anything but a bright little girl asking for help to fix what is wrong in her school.  Being able to stand up for herself like she is will serve her well in the future and it shouldn't be taken away from her because some of the adults in her life don't want to hear it.  I could go on and on but don't want to risk falling off my soapbox again. :)
Please trust yourself and your daughter.  I don't regret doing the same with my son.  We get so much pleasure every time a teacher has to admit they were wrong about him, and some of them do.  I know it is hard to believe, but people can admit when they are wrong.  Our family looks forward to the day when our son is a huge success, in whatever he chooses to do, and he can go back and ask all of them what they were so worried about.  It is so hard to be a kid, but so many adults have forgotten that.  It sounds like you remember it well and because of that you will not give up on your daughter even when others try to convince you to.  She has the right to be who she is and you have the right to help her.  Again, I just have to say, trust yourself.  I am sending you strength and all the best of everything else you might need to get through this, but if it isn't enough let me know and I'll do what I can.  You are a good momma, and she's a good girl. Don't let the misguided opinions of others take that from you.

[specialmom]

There are allkinds of  different routes to take with our children and we all have the same goal in mind, to help them have happy lives.  It sounds like you've done a great job advocating for your child and I'm glad he is doing well.  We all must do what we feel in our hearts is in our kids' best interest.  It can be hard sometimes with so much thrown at you---  but I'm always thrilled to hear a success story of when a child struggled and comes out on the other end doing just fine.  so, good job.  

[RockRose]

I completely agree with the thought about Sensory Integration Disorder,  and I'm a little concerned about why your pediatrician was so cavalier about your daughter's struggles.

A good occupational therapist could give your daughter coping skills,  and help desensitize her to her intolerance of classroom noise and busyness.

Since your daughter is missing so much instructional time "decompressing" outside the classroom,  it's sad that it's taken until January for them to insist on help for her - and sad that your pediatrician didn't recognize a need for action on her part.

Best wishes.

[tiredbuthappy]

Just chiming in to agree with those who suggest you look in to sensory integration disorder. Your description definitely suggests it is a strong possibility.
I will also tell you that I am currently experiencing sensory problems. I can completely understand why kids with SID act out. She probably truly couldn't control her behavior in that environment, even if she wanted to. The good news is that if it is sensory issues, OT can make a world of a difference. I have seen it help every kid I know of that was diagnosed with SID.

Was her speech delay apraxia? Apraxia often seems to come with sensory issues (not all cases of course, but many).