Step-daughter obsessed with her father

[mishl9]

I am engaged to a man with 4 children(we've been together almost 3 years) from a previous marriage, I myself have one.  He has joint custody of his, so we have his children only every other week.  His 10 year old daughter seems to have developed a very strange obsession with him about 7 months ago.  It all started with her crying one day in July on a boat, when the kids were taking turns going up in the captians chair.  After her turn she came back to find one of the other kids in her "spot". She asked for her spot back, but her dad stopped her and said "honey, you've been sitting next to me the whole time, let one of the other kids have a turn" Well that was the beginning of the end.  She started crying and said that I never have to take turns, and he explained to her that i'm his fiance and an adult and he can't make me take turns.  After that I begin to sit by him less.  In September it was our anniverary and his birthday in the same week we had his kids.  When we told her we were going out with some friends the night of his birthday, she threw a huge temper tantrum and was screaming and crying and telling him he's not allowed.  He has to spend his whole birthday with her, he's not allowed to leave!  AHHH! On our anniversary I made the kids dinner early and then made a special candlelit dinner for us (so we didn't have to leave the house twice in one week)  when he got home from taking his daughter to Gymnastics.  Well, she had a fit.  She was sitting on the couch staring at us while we ate, so asked to to go play with the other kids.  She of course began sobbing and said she didn't get to see him enough that day and there was only an hour to her bed time. So of course I was no longer was in the celebrating mood and left.  these are a few specific example but it's a daily struggle with her.  She needs to be around him constantly.  In general she...follows him everywhere around the house to the point of walking into the bathroom with him(of course he tells her to get out).  If he's not home she needs to know exactly what he's doing and when he'll be home.  She has to sit by him ALL the time and gets very jealous if the other kids or I are siting next to him.  She then usually squeezes her way in and if she can't asks to sit on his lap, which he usually says no to.  She'll ask the other children if they can go do something else so she can sit by him.  He usually works from home on the week their home, but if he has a side job...she goes of course.  He has repremanded her many times for acting like she is his mother, and does often tell "honey, I love you but I need some space" but the she doesn't seem to be getting any better. I love her very much and she loves me to death too and tells her dad she would be really sad if we didn't get married(she dislike her step father on the other hand).  I just think this behavior is birazze and a little frustrating for me and him.  My fiance is an awesome father and is very strict but always very loving.  All my fiance's kids have always prefered thier dad over their mom which I always thought was unusual.  When his ex-wife first left him and the kids he actually had full custody of the kids and he had just started his own business so he was with the kids 24-7.  He told me never once left them with a babysitter that first year and I think they must have gotten used to always having daddy there, she was only 4 at the time. Has anyone ever heard of this happening? Sorry my question is sooo long but I just wanted to make sure you understood the whole situation.  

[Theres12345]

Mini-Wife Syndrome or in psychology it's called emotional incest.

[bmansmom826]

Could be a cry for help because something's not right with the step-dad. Did you ever sit her down when she's not acting this way and simply ask her what's up?

[psychicRod]

emotional incest

[Joy1a]

Thats so sad!!

[Theres12345]

It is called Mini wife syndrome or emotional incest. If not treated it will never get better. Your partner needs to be willing to set boundaries. If he does not see that there is a problem, my advise is to get the hell out of this relationship, it will only drive you nuts.

[libralady84]

To EVERYONE here (I'm surprised how common this issue is and how little is known about it - frightening!)
Google is your friend!
These issues with parent/child relationships that seem inappropriate or over-the-top, even if it appears the parent is (currently) exhibiting perfectly healthy behaviour towards the child, are likely the product of emotional incest.
Also known as covert incest, it's when a parent has leaned on a child in an emotional way, usually when a marriage or romantic relationship is failing and that parent feels at a loss and no longer has their partner to talk to, so they turn to a child they feel close with to confide in. Unfortunately for that child (and any future partners of that parent) this creates an unhealthy emotional disregulation between the child and parent where the child feels like they must fill an emotional role of a romantic partner. Whether the child or parent realizes what has happened or not, the bond is not healthy, and the behaviour the child exhibits will seem more like a partner, showing extreme jealousy, loose boundaries, and needing more attention or affection than seems normal.

Here is a very good article discussing it. It includes differentiating between covert, and overt incest (where there is actual sexual touching involved) and combinations of it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201510/understanding-covert-incest-interview-kenneth-adams

It might seem harmless enough to have an honest and open relationship with a child that way, and in some cases it might actually be harmless, but in other cases it can prove to be too much emotionally for a child and cause these kinds of issues.

I strongly urge anyone experiencing this (or observing this) in any family dynamic to read the above article I linked to about "Covert Incest" on the PsychologyToday website and to seek professional help from a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.

[cyclone6661]

Hi thanks for the welcome and comments.  I have 2 sons. 20 and 17. The difference betweeen me and my boyfriend is that his daughter IS his life whereas my boys are a wonderful PART of my life. I would lay my life down for them but i also have my own life which is very nessecary for a healthy parent child relationship. I always tried to have a date night and call the sitter. My guy simply will not do this and he has 50/50 custody too. I agree this is not the workings of a lasting partnership.