Step-daughter obsessed with her father

[mishl9]

I am engaged to a man with 4 children(we've been together almost 3 years) from a previous marriage, I myself have one.  He has joint custody of his, so we have his children only every other week.  His 10 year old daughter seems to have developed a very strange obsession with him about 7 months ago.  It all started with her crying one day in July on a boat, when the kids were taking turns going up in the captians chair.  After her turn she came back to find one of the other kids in her "spot". She asked for her spot back, but her dad stopped her and said "honey, you've been sitting next to me the whole time, let one of the other kids have a turn" Well that was the beginning of the end.  She started crying and said that I never have to take turns, and he explained to her that i'm his fiance and an adult and he can't make me take turns.  After that I begin to sit by him less.  In September it was our anniverary and his birthday in the same week we had his kids.  When we told her we were going out with some friends the night of his birthday, she threw a huge temper tantrum and was screaming and crying and telling him he's not allowed.  He has to spend his whole birthday with her, he's not allowed to leave!  AHHH! On our anniversary I made the kids dinner early and then made a special candlelit dinner for us (so we didn't have to leave the house twice in one week)  when he got home from taking his daughter to Gymnastics.  Well, she had a fit.  She was sitting on the couch staring at us while we ate, so asked to to go play with the other kids.  She of course began sobbing and said she didn't get to see him enough that day and there was only an hour to her bed time. So of course I was no longer was in the celebrating mood and left.  these are a few specific example but it's a daily struggle with her.  She needs to be around him constantly.  In general she...follows him everywhere around the house to the point of walking into the bathroom with him(of course he tells her to get out).  If he's not home she needs to know exactly what he's doing and when he'll be home.  She has to sit by him ALL the time and gets very jealous if the other kids or I are siting next to him.  She then usually squeezes her way in and if she can't asks to sit on his lap, which he usually says no to.  She'll ask the other children if they can go do something else so she can sit by him.  He usually works from home on the week their home, but if he has a side job...she goes of course.  He has repremanded her many times for acting like she is his mother, and does often tell "honey, I love you but I need some space" but the she doesn't seem to be getting any better. I love her very much and she loves me to death too and tells her dad she would be really sad if we didn't get married(she dislike her step father on the other hand).  I just think this behavior is birazze and a little frustrating for me and him.  My fiance is an awesome father and is very strict but always very loving.  All my fiance's kids have always prefered thier dad over their mom which I always thought was unusual.  When his ex-wife first left him and the kids he actually had full custody of the kids and he had just started his own business so he was with the kids 24-7.  He told me never once left them with a babysitter that first year and I think they must have gotten used to always having daddy there, she was only 4 at the time. Has anyone ever heard of this happening? Sorry my question is sooo long but I just wanted to make sure you understood the whole situation.  

[bet105]

Take the girl, RUN DO NOT WALK to the nearest mental health provider!

[bet105]

Sounds like molestation to me ladies, Better look at those WONDERFUL MEN. Do bother to ask how I know. Just take my word for it. The child is not wanting affection, she is seeking to protect others!

[Huggybear24]

Honestly the first thing I thought of is she being molested . When parents separate it's not uncommon for a child to cling to one or the other. However she should be adjusting over time also with her clinging to dad more I would sooner think that something isn't write with step-dad . If she's being sexually abused from step dad this is her only way to try and regain and or express her emotions by latching onto dad. One dad abuses her so she naturally expects the other to protect her and by clinging ( so to speak) this is her protection without saying what's going on . I urge you to talk to her biological dad and the two of you talk to her. This will not be easy for her and will take time . I can tell you with in the first minute of reading this and her behavior the only thought that came to mind is she was being sexually abused .

[libralady84]

What you've described sounds normal and healthy compared to what others in this thread have described.

Girls missing their father who they don't see regularly is normal, of course, however, obsessive, extremely jealous behaviours and clear issues with boundaries is a big red flag. A child should be able to, and even desire to go off and play with other children and/or by themselves away from their parent(s). It's a normal part of development. A lot of the descriptions here don't sound like that.

[libralady84]

To EVERYONE here (I'm surprised how common this issue is and how little is known about it - frightening!)
Google is your friend!
These issues with parent/child relationships that seem inappropriate or over-the-top, even if it appears the parent is (currently) exhibiting perfectly healthy behaviour towards the child, are likely the product of emotional incest.
Also known as covert incest, it's when a parent has leaned on a child in an emotional way, usually when a marriage or romantic relationship is failing and that parent feels at a loss and no longer has their partner to talk to, so they turn to a child they feel close with to confide in. Unfortunately for that child (and any future partners of that parent) this creates an unhealthy emotional disregulation between the child and parent where the child feels like they must fill an emotional role of a romantic partner. Whether the child or parent realizes what has happened or not, the bond is not healthy, and the behaviour the child exhibits will seem more like a partner, showing extreme jealousy, loose boundaries, and needing more attention or affection than seems normal.

Here is a very good article discussing it. It includes differentiating between covert, and overt incest (where there is actual sexual touching involved) and combinations of it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201510/understanding-covert-incest-interview-kenneth-adams

It might seem harmless enough to have an honest and open relationship with a child that way, and in some cases it might actually be harmless, but in other cases it can prove to be too much emotionally for a child and cause these kinds of issues.

I strongly urge anyone experiencing this (or observing this) in any family dynamic to read the above article I linked to about "Covert Incest" on the PsychologyToday website and to seek professional help from a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.

[getnatalie]

I know this is old, but I also have step daughters. They stay with us every weekend. The younger one (5) is more attached to me, since we've been together for 2 years and she doesn't remember me not being in the picture. Also, I work from home, and he works weekends so they end up spending more time with me. In the weekends I am practically her mommy, and daddy is second. The older one (10) loves us both but is more attached to her dad. She wants to always be around him, sit next to him or on his lap, etc. Honestly, they just love and really really miss their dads. When I think about it, i just feel for her. So I am probably one of those rare step moms who encourages it, because I believe she misses him all week at her moms and I feel sorry for her. Just try to understand it from their point of view, you get him every day, she just gets him every other week. She needs bonding time with him.

[specialmom]

Yeah, sounds like you have different styles and ideas of how it should be.  Ugh,  it's hard figuring that out sometimes but saves us heartache in the end.  good luck and peace