Step-daughter obsessed with her father

[mishl9]

I am engaged to a man with 4 children(we've been together almost 3 years) from a previous marriage, I myself have one.  He has joint custody of his, so we have his children only every other week.  His 10 year old daughter seems to have developed a very strange obsession with him about 7 months ago.  It all started with her crying one day in July on a boat, when the kids were taking turns going up in the captians chair.  After her turn she came back to find one of the other kids in her "spot". She asked for her spot back, but her dad stopped her and said "honey, you've been sitting next to me the whole time, let one of the other kids have a turn" Well that was the beginning of the end.  She started crying and said that I never have to take turns, and he explained to her that i'm his fiance and an adult and he can't make me take turns.  After that I begin to sit by him less.  In September it was our anniverary and his birthday in the same week we had his kids.  When we told her we were going out with some friends the night of his birthday, she threw a huge temper tantrum and was screaming and crying and telling him he's not allowed.  He has to spend his whole birthday with her, he's not allowed to leave!  AHHH! On our anniversary I made the kids dinner early and then made a special candlelit dinner for us (so we didn't have to leave the house twice in one week)  when he got home from taking his daughter to Gymnastics.  Well, she had a fit.  She was sitting on the couch staring at us while we ate, so asked to to go play with the other kids.  She of course began sobbing and said she didn't get to see him enough that day and there was only an hour to her bed time. So of course I was no longer was in the celebrating mood and left.  these are a few specific example but it's a daily struggle with her.  She needs to be around him constantly.  In general she...follows him everywhere around the house to the point of walking into the bathroom with him(of course he tells her to get out).  If he's not home she needs to know exactly what he's doing and when he'll be home.  She has to sit by him ALL the time and gets very jealous if the other kids or I are siting next to him.  She then usually squeezes her way in and if she can't asks to sit on his lap, which he usually says no to.  She'll ask the other children if they can go do something else so she can sit by him.  He usually works from home on the week their home, but if he has a side job...she goes of course.  He has repremanded her many times for acting like she is his mother, and does often tell "honey, I love you but I need some space" but the she doesn't seem to be getting any better. I love her very much and she loves me to death too and tells her dad she would be really sad if we didn't get married(she dislike her step father on the other hand).  I just think this behavior is birazze and a little frustrating for me and him.  My fiance is an awesome father and is very strict but always very loving.  All my fiance's kids have always prefered thier dad over their mom which I always thought was unusual.  When his ex-wife first left him and the kids he actually had full custody of the kids and he had just started his own business so he was with the kids 24-7.  He told me never once left them with a babysitter that first year and I think they must have gotten used to always having daddy there, she was only 4 at the time. Has anyone ever heard of this happening? Sorry my question is sooo long but I just wanted to make sure you understood the whole situation.  

[cyclone6661]

Hi thanks for the welcome and comments.  I have 2 sons. 20 and 17. The difference betweeen me and my boyfriend is that his daughter IS his life whereas my boys are a wonderful PART of my life. I would lay my life down for them but i also have my own life which is very nessecary for a healthy parent child relationship. I always tried to have a date night and call the sitter. My guy simply will not do this and he has 50/50 custody too. I agree this is not the workings of a lasting partnership.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, it certainly is hard to be with a man with a child from a previous relationship.  I hear you.

I do want to say this though.  I'm guessing you don't have kids?  You don't seem to understand the dynamics of parent/child.  Especially when they do not get to be together every day such as in shared custody.  I have two sons, 9 and almost 8.  We're affectionate and have deep love for each other.  They absolutely come above all else.  I love their dad tremendously and he is very important to me but my kids' needs come first.  Heck, they often come over my own needs as I'll get up and do for them when I'm exhausted, I'll put off my own activity to attend theirs, etc.  That's parenting.  

That he has special things planned with her such as on her birthday, valentines day, or father/daughter dance (your examples)----  well, those are special memories with his child.  I'd be supportive of that.  My own husband gets big kuddos from me when he plans special things with our kids.  I love that they are bonding!!  

Do you get no time with him on your own?  Does he have her 24/7?  

In all honestly, someone that is very attached to their child and then the person they are dating has a problem with that---  are probably not compatible for dating.  Too much tension.  

He may pull back on the affection and time with her as she enters the teenage years but most likely will always be very close to her as father and daughters should be.  

I get that this would be very hard for you if you don't feel included.  I wouldn't like that either.  So, I'm not sure what the answer is.  

I guess you could tell him your feelings but in a way that doesn't make him defensive if you can.  peace and luck

[LightsOnButNobodysHome]

I have to disagree.  I get the father/daughter connection, however, when it becomes excessive, it becomes a problem that needs addressing.  I have a daughter who is now 28 and living away from home.  I am dating a man who has two kids, a son of 15 and a daughter of 9.  He sees both kids every day.  He works from home and they go to our house after school.  His x and he have 50/50 custody, everyone gets along, BUT, allowing a young daughter to obsess over dad is a problem.  An  obsession with cuddling, with sitting next to him during dinner, following him around the house like a lost puppy, stroking his arm and face while wrapped around him like saran warp... IS A PROBLEM!!!  Every couples counselor will tell you that the two adults in the relationship should be top priority.  Your significant other comes first, kids come after.  The Alpha wolf doesn't tell the Alpha female to move over so the pup can lay with him.  It just doesn't work that way.  The problem with society is families have gotten family dynamics completely screwed up and backwards and then wonder why divorce rates are so out of control.  You can love your kids, but don't mix that emotion with being "in love'.  Your kids grow healthy from knowing Daddy and Mommy are their leaders, their foundation, once you shift an adults position to being the underdog, putting your kid first, you've just caused imbalance in your house hold.  NEVER should a child be made to feel more important than your partner.  I'm not saying not to show your child love and affection, just don't allow the "affection" to become "creepy".  There has to be balance in a home for it to be healthy and there is a clear difference between being healthy over happy.  A "happy" child isn't always emotionally healthy.  The word "No" is important.  Boundaries are critical!  The child needs to see mommy and daddy come first so they too will know who to structure their own household once they move out.  Why parents feel the need to display affections over and above what is necessary is a recipe for disaster.  

[Joy1a]

I agree!!

[cyclone6661]

I have the same problem going on but mine is even worse. My boyfriend, (who is 49 and his daughter who will be 10) is the same way in return. He buys into and even pushes the attention she gives to him. She always comes first, no matter what, plans get cancelled because something is up with her, happens to be valentines day is her birthday so I dont get any time with him whatsoever. We were supposed to see eachother tonight but its the father/daughter dance. I have been with him 2 years. Finally started interacting with the daughter 6 omnths ago and we do get along but when we all watch tv together she is all over him and I am lucky to get the hand holding, and god forbid she sees him touch me, there she is with the please love me hug, and what bothers me most is that he adores this. HELP!

[Joy1a]

I believe its not going to get better, so break up with him

[StephieSilence]

She misses her dad and feels like YOU are taking him away from him. Instead of excluding her, try to include her on things. She feels like she's being replaced. Trust me, I know that feeling. And it's not weird at all.

[RockRose]

I agree,  SM.

[specialmom]

While those in the history of psychology had some interesting ideas, I would count on current thinking that can be found in the DSM.