i think my boyfriend hates my son

[bearsgril1003]

Please help.  I feel very torn. I have been divorced for a year and a half.  I have two beautiful and wonderful kids from my first marriage, one boy age 10 and one girl, age 7.  During my separation I started dating a friend.  I kept him very separated from my children. They did not meet until 9 months after my divorce was finalized.  My boyfriend new of my kids and new they come first.  He accepted them right away.  My kids were a little distant at first but they grew to like him and every thing was great.  Then came the hard part.  A few months ago my boyfriend's job forced him to transfer to another state.  He asked if me and my children would come.  I talked it over with them and they welcomed the thought of starting over and all of us moving in together.  We moved and things went downhill.  My ex husband stopped calling them and my son took it very hard.  He's always had a tight bond with his father and when my ex did this it crushed him.  My son is definately a little spoiled when it comes to home life.  He has all the video games you can imagine. He has a large tv and toys galore.  He never really had to clean up after himself because I always did it for him.  When my boyfriend and I moved in together we decided to bring structure and rules (which my ex never backed me up on) to our home.  The kids have to clean their rooms, help around the house (such as cleaning off their own dinner plates, taking the trash out of their bathroom and replacing with a new bag, etc... nothing too harsh). They also have to come home right after school and do homework, even if none is assigned, they still have to either read or practice math problems.  The biggest rule my son has an issue with is food.  Before, my ex would allow them to eat and drink whatever.  It was doritos for breakfast and mt dew all day long.  If I said no, they would just go to their dad and he would let them sneak it or flat out do it in front of me.  Now, they have to eat vegetables and they have to eat everything on their plates (i make their plates and I put very little so they usually get seconds). My son hates veggies but I tell them it's to help them grow and be healthy.  SInce this rule my son has grown to love broccoli and asparagus (amazing, huh...).  Now here is the problem, my son says he hates all the rules and it's putting too much pressure on him.  He cries at the drop of a hat and seems overly emotional.  My boyfriend says it's time for him to grow up and just accept things for what they are.  Lately it seems like I hear my boyfriend say harsh things to my son.  He tells him he's being selfish and needs to grow up.  He tells him to stop all the crying and be a man.  If my son says he doesn't like a vegetable, my boyfriend tells him that the food on his plate is not an option.  He has to eat it.  This tension is causing alot of issues between me and my boyfriend.  I defend my children without regard.  I don't interrupt my boyfriend's discipline in front of the kids b/c I feel it undermines his authority and I don't want to do that with the kids. My son seems miserable and wants to go live with his dad.  I see my boyfriend pulling away from my son and wanting nothing to do with him because of his outburst.  I don't know what to do.  I feel very lost and confused and feel torn.  My kids are great kids and my boyfriend is a very good man.  Any suggestions?

[RockRose]

I think you should go back to the town where your ex lives.  

The first part of your post sounded fine - cleaning rooms,  taking out garbage,  is all perfectly fine and expected.

When you got to the rule about eating everything on the plates - that's just useless,  cruel control.  Your boyfriend sounds like a joyless dictator,  bearsgril,  and it's not going to get better.  

Your son is grieving the loss of the relationship with his father and he's under the thumb of this man you've moved in with.  

I think if you don't leave the boyfriend,  the next best thing is to send this boy back to his father.  

Boys need nurturing,  loving,  caring male attention not disdain,  and your boyfriend doesn't want your son.

[goldeneye5]

Oh Dear, all these new rules and regulations! WHY? its one thing getting the children to eat better and do a few chores but what is with the homework when they have not been assigned any? whose idea was this? and for what reason? You have gone from one extreme to another. These are young children, they will have enough pressure later - why all this extra homework? give them a break! seems to me this man ''boyfriend'' is being given too much power with your children  and that you are permitting this man to dominate everything - including you. I do not like the sound of this and I am curious to know how much experience this man has with children, does he even have any children of his own? If you continue in this vein, apart from the fact your son will start to hate this man, but your son is going to be serious distressed  and that is if he is not already. In my opinion, you are putting your son (you have not said much about your daughter) through too much and certainly too soon, which is tantamount to emotional abuse, get the boyfriend to back off. And at the end of the day, that is all he is. If your boyfriend gets crappy with you, or threatening in anyway when you tell that he is to follow your rules for YOUR children, then you know you have a problem.

[specialmom]

Really could not agree with Rockrose more.  

First of all, I don't believe a parent should move their children away from their father.  Boys in particular need their dad in their life and if that relationship is broken, much emotional trauma ensues.

Secondly, all of the complaints about what your son did prior to moving in with your boyfriend . . . well, what ownership do you take of that?  I think your bf looking badly at your son for the life you created for your son is very unfair.  

So I agree that some things should change.  But YOU should be the one to do it.  Family counseling 101----------  significant others should remain in a support role and not a disciplinarian role.  He may have ideas about what goes on in the home, but he speaks to you privately and you handle it.  Or . . . expect serious problems.  He's 10 now . . . he'll be 13, then 16 , and then 18 before you know it.  

I agree that your bf sounds over the top, to be honest.  And I'd never allow my children to be subjected to that. If they are indeed your number one priority, you wouldn't allow it either.

So, move back.  Otherwise, prepare yourself that your son will begin to resent you as well soon enough for bringing this harsh man into his life.  good luck

[NapsRgoood]

I will have to back her up though. If the father is not present and it was HIS choice to stop calling his kids and speak to them then how is it her fault? I mean fathers quit talking to their kids that are living in the same city. It is a parent's choice to stop talking to their children.  On another note, the eating everything off your plate thing. That comes from being raised that way usually by someone's own parents. My father was the exact same way. So naturally, I have the thought in my head to teach my children the same things. In a lot of ways, we raise our children the same way we were raised by natural instinct.

Now, I know from my own past with my parents being split up that putting a new man in your children's lives at that age will cause you to have some distress. I put my parents through trauma galore. I yelled, screamed, fought, ignored them, etc. The only thing in my opinion is to put your foot down. You and your boyfriend should discuss things together before even disciplining. I am in the same boat as you. My boyfriend is moving down here from Maryland and will be a part of my child's life. Now Caitlyn is only 3 so it is a bit of a difference. Just from what I went through in my past, I can say that being a single mother you have to do what you have to do. If this man is willing to provide for you and your children and be a father to them I do not see him as being overbearing or anything close.

From what you say he says to your son, it sounds EXACTLY the way my father was to us kids and he was not even our step dad. It sounds like your boyfriend was raised a lot similarly to the way I was. Now I'm not saying its perfect but picking up and moving back will do nothing but mess your children up more for the mere fact of having to start over again.

Another suggestion I would give you, call their father. Try to get him more involved in their lives again. Maybe this would help with the issues with your son and him being out of control. Try to see if you can also talk to the school's consuler about some of the situation and see if they cant help your son cope with the changes in his life.

To be honest, I respect my mom even more now than I did then seeing that she helped us kids get over the fact our father was not all that active in your lives. Yes, he was there for us on his weekends and visitation but after we left his house..it was pretty much my mom and stepdad on their own with us kids.

I hope I was able to help out at all. If you need anyone to talk to just give me a message I'd be glad to talk to you! ^-^

[bearsgril1003]

I did not move my children away from their father. Their father moved away first.  He is military and got stationed several states away.  That happened during our divorce.  He called several times but usually I was the one giving my phone to my children to call him.  He now refuses to answer the phone, emails or text.  Much less, he doesn't call them either.  I do not even answer the phone vocally when he calls.  I see his number and I just pick up the phone and call for the kids... just to clear up a little more info.

[SeriousSam]

Fathers quit calling often because of constant abuse or heartbreak.   We don't have enough information to make any decisions regarding that.

Eat everything on the plate?  This is often is listed as a type of abuse that often becomes linked to Bulimia and Anorexia.

Just out of curiosity is there any reason he couldn't or shouldn't go to his fathers?

Quick recap:

Boyfriend disciplining kids  not good.  Just out of curiosity did you know that boyfriends fall after mothers regarding abuse of male children?

You moved  to be closer to the boyfriend for you not the kids." A few months ago my boyfriend's job forced him to transfer to another state."  So at the very least you ripped them away from there support network of friends etc. (how close are the grandparents extended family now?

The father after he was no longer able to see the kids regularly quit calling.

You think he hate yours son but you let him handle the discipline?

How long after they met your boyfriend did they move?  Did they get at least as much time to meet and trust your boyfriend as you had before you guys moved in together?

[bearsgril1003]

As for taking ownership to previous behavior, I do take some blame.  It was easier to just let it go and clean up after them than to have a power struggle with their father.  I didn't want to put them in the middle of our arguments.  As for the statement of a step parent strictly being a support and not disciplining, I disagree.  I feel that step parents should have some authority within reason. What happens if I'm away on business and he's watching them and my son or daughter does something that I would not approve of? Should they be punished right away or wait a week or two? Just my personal opinion.  I appreciate the feed back from everyone so please don't feel I'm disregarding anyone's opinion.  I asked for anonymous help and every person who has commented has had positive and informative info that I've taken to heart. Thank you all!

[bearsgril1003]

You are right, I did move to be closer to my boyfriend.  I also moved to be closer to my own family.  They are now only a few hours away versus 15 hours away. The reason my son should not go to his father's is due to lack of discipline, health issues and lack of financial responsibility.  Over xmas break, his first visitation, not only did he send my kids back a week early due to it interfering with his new year's eve plans but he also locked them in his truck with the engine going and a loaded pistol (which is not registered).  He told them that if anyone tried to break in to grab the gun and shoot! I just found that out a few months ago.  My son is special needs and requires a shot everynight.... when he was with his father, not once did he receive his meds.  Don't get me wrong, the man loves his kids.  He was just never one to do the hard stuff or make the adult decisions.  I've always had to.  He always wanted to be the "fun" parent, play video games all day and eat fast food.  As for the reason I think he hates my son, I feel that way because my son is very much like his own father.  He wants what he wants when he wants it and if he doesn't get it he acts out.  I get that that is typical kid behavior but he goes a little extreme.

[specialmom]

Really, for me--------- the title of your post says all I need to know.  I would not live with a man that I suspected hated my child.  That will never be a good enviroment to raise him in.  Ever.  

Again----------  your title is the only thing you should focus on.  It tells you what you need to do.   Don't make your son live with someone who hates him.  

[RockRose]

I agree with specialmom.    Your title is the core of the problem - all the other stuff just kind of gets in the way of seeing it.  Structure/no structure,  a dad who's ineffective,  moving from one place to another,  all this stuff gets in the way of seeing what you do see - that this man hates your kid.  

It sounds like your son is frustrating to be around sometimes,  and has some disability issues - all the more reason to give him a stable loving home,  so he can reach his potential.  Life isn't going to be easy for your son,   so his home should at least be supportive and loving and encouraging.

I'm also a little put off that your boyfriend can't fake liking him - it's not that hard.  You don't have to like someone to behave as if you do - and that's all that's required here.  

[specialmom]

Oh no.  I just missed the comment on your son being special needs.  Yeesh.  

Step parents should not have authority in terms of discplining children.  That is a basic therapy recommendation for families with such issues as yours.  A step parent can help you make the rules but you must enforce them or else their is resentment.  They are to discuss parenting with you in private.  This is not a man that your children grew up with in the toddler years . . . this is your new boyfriend thrust upon them.  He should remain supportive.

But I will say-----------  I'd not let someone who not only disliked but hated my children live with them.  Ever.  As Rockrose already said--------  life is already hard enough.

[penswriter]

I agree and disagree with the above posters. I do think forcing the kids to eat everything on their plates is a bit controlling. If they're not hungry, why force them to eat? As far as the rules go, that's great. Granted your boyfriend should NOT be speaking to your son like that. it is not his place nor his responsibility to be your sons father. having the help is great but he shouldn't be telling your 10 yr old to grow up and act like a man. He's 10. He's still just a kid. Kids push boundaries and do what they can to get their way. You should be the one disciplining and sticking to the rules. Not the boyfriend. I also agree that moving in with boyfriend may not have been the best idea. It's probably confusing for the kids. They may not fully understand what this means.

As far as the father goes...he's military with an unregistered weapon?????? My husband is a Marine and there are SERIOUS repricussions if caught with that. If his superiors are strict enough he could be demoted or dishonorably discharged. Which will seriously screw with any job he may even attempt to get. (hubby saw one guy on one base be demoted for an unregistered weapon from sgt to pvt.  while on another base a guy was court martialed for it, dishonorable discharge.)

[Brooke050870]

Wow.  Your situation is a hard one.  I agree with RockRose, Specialmom and Serious Sam...if this man hates your son, he shouldn't even be around your son.  I was raised from the age of almost 4 by a step parent who did not like me because I wasn't his, because he wanted to be the center of my mom's universe, and because he was of the mindset that children should not be seen or heard.  His bullying and his dictatorship style of discipline was just too much for me and I ended up hating my step dad and seriously resenting my mother for allowing him to treat me that way.  I wouldn't continue to live with this man if I were you.  You're asking for problems.

[wonnie777]

I am not so sure your boyfriend hates your son.  My 3 sons had a stepfather, and 25 years later he is the best thing that ever happened to them.  We did have our differences from time to time like all families.  But now that you are living together its like you get to know people a whole lot better once you live with them.  It sounds like your son is quite spoiled and that's both yours and your ex's fault, but not the boy.  Also it isn't up to the step parent to quite that verbal, I think with counseling it might work.  I also agree that the kids come first, but I wouldn't stay in a relationship with children with no rules or guidelines either. Without that there will be no respect in the teen years, so I hope you're ready for that. So it depends on you being honest with yourself and him.  I had 3 sons and they were all indifferent to him at first. But now 25  years later they love and respect him more than they do their own father.  Again I don't know all the details.  

[Auspiciousme]

Hello.  I just came across your post and I wanted to tell you that I am in almost the same situation as you but I am married.  My husband is a wonderful man to me but not very nice to my son.  He was when we were dating but he changed when we got marrid.  I wrote a post here in 2008 and everyone told me things are going to get worse...but I still loved (and still do) my husband and wanted to try and make things work.  My son is now 12 and he is very well behaved and kind but he just told me that he knows that his step dad doesn't really like him which if you think about it, it's an awful knowledge to have.  So although I don't have any other major issues with my husband, I think I am finally ready to leave him.  I love him but that's not enough.  I know how hard it is to become a single parent again and to not have the support of another person...but I love my son.  He is my 1st committment in life and I have to make sure he lives in a loving invironment.  I thought I could provide that for him by myself...but I was wrong.  My husband doesn't even say anything mean to him (for the most part) but his body language says it all.  I didn't want to face it...still don't, but it's not fair to my 12 years old boy to have to walk on eggshells all the time so he can protect me from a fight with my husband....that's just nuts....so what I am saying...is thing will not get better and I know that from experience.  You need to think real hard and listen to your gut.  I know I won't let my son be subject to things like you said ...but we all have different view on things.  I hope you make the right decision.  I hope I am making the right decision.  

[happynow1]

Speaking from experience.....get out......i had the same issues except for the ex thing but my boyfriend at the time was very controling and hurtful to my son and my son was miserable and it seemed as though the only interaction he had with my son was making him finish his food or getting on to him. The best move i made was leaving, i am now married to a great man who my son now calls dad. I stayed in that relationship for 2 yrs and it makes me sad now to think of all my son went through.....trust your instincts. it doesnt matter if you move back to the same town as your ex just move. do what is best for your kids......

[mssbass]

I'm reading your posts and had to get some of your opinions.  My boyfriend dislikes my teenage daughter.  He's never raised any children but has been divorced and his kids have never lived with him.  My daughter is 14 and is a very hardheaded tough child.  She's been spoiled all her life (my fault).  She has too much freedom and usually gets what she wants.  I'm in a delimma though.  I moved away from her father about 5 years ago.  He had an affair and never had time for her, so I needed to be closer to my family.  He sends child support but never calls her.  Whenever I try to discipline her, she tells me she'll go live with her Dad.  Her Dad, of course will have her in order to avoid the child support.  He doesn't support my discipline because of this reason.  I think that's why I've given in to her so many years.  Due to how spoiled she is, my boyfriend has begun to really dislike her.  He's now to the point of not even talking to her (just walks right by her).  I feel like he isn't even trying but should I blame him.  She is a very hard child to deal with.  My boyfriend grabbed her arm really hard one day and gave her a bruise.  He has yelled and cussed at her calling her a 'stupid ***'.  I've lost alot of respect for him but then he blames it on me for raising her the way I am.  Granted, she does very well in school and is well liked by the teachers and friends.  Now that my boyfriend is moving out (my request after 4 years), he tells me I'll never have anyone that will want to be around 'that child'.  I disagree...  If someone loves me enough, won't they want to love both me and my daughter?

[Ashelen]

Get out. Now. Anyone that grabbed my daughter, gave her a bruise, OR talked to her that way (much less all three) would not only be on the front door faster than they could blink, but they'd probably have a black eye. I just had it out with my own mother about the things she says to/about my children today, so you can bet I sure as HELL wouldn't stop at standing up to someone like a boyfriend who thought they could treat my child that way.

It does not matter how inappropriately your daughter is acting. She's 14. she's been in an unstable situation with your divorce and moving....her actions are NORMAL. they are EXPECTED.

Your boyfriend is a jerk, an abuser, and bad bad news. He is abusing YOU and manipulating YOU as well, trying to get you to stay by threatening youwith lonliness if you leave him.

You have a choice: your daughter, or your boyfriend. You know which one your should choose. You and your daughter need to get out before he hurts one of you, or before he destroys the relationship you and your daughter should have.

Best of luck, I know it's harsh, but your baby is everything...this man who is abusing her and manipulating you...he is nothing. And yes, what he has done is abuse. You will EASILY find someone who is going to be HAPPY to be with you and be a step-father to your daughter. Don't ever doubt that. But it's not THIS man.

[benjimom]

The kids have had to go through MAJOR Life changes.  THe dad could still keep in touch, but he's not doing it.  Was he doing much better when they still lived in the same town.  Whatever it is just hard bledning in new families and it's upsetting to kids' routines as well.

[mssbass]

Thank you so much for your comments.  He's leaving my home on Saturday - packing as we speak.  My daughter is going to be a 'tough' teenager.  I'm hoping you're right and I can find someone that will be supportive.  I'm scared as ever right now (41 and not getting any younger)

[joanny32]

I have the problem that my boyfriend just told me he hates his life because of my 4 year old and 7 year old girls. They are very demanding and i know that. but i feel hurt by his comment. I had a feeling that he did but never heard him say it till now a year and a half later.

[nadyne]

Good to know I am not alone. I am in the same predicament. I love my boyfriend to death and we never fight unless it's about my son, who is now 19.

He hardly talks to him unless its to give him ****. He also raises his voice to him and to me. I'm pretty much putting up with everything I taught my son NOT to do. I've always told him that a woman is precious, you do not raise your voice, you respect her, etc... so he wonders why I teach him that but its ok for me to be yelled at ? Embarassing....

Sometimes he is nice to him, but its very rare... so he is no role model for my son, not at all. It seems he can do nothing right which is quite frustrating and I cant take it anymore. My son works full time, pays rent, pays his cell phone, he's never here, nevers asks for anything, but the minute he just talks to me, my boyfriend seems upset, his face even changes... its creepy...almost like he is jealous of my love and my relationship with my son. How can he hurt me like that and say he loves me and loves my son ? How can he think that putting me and my son down will make me love him ? I dont get it. I would never do that to his kids. It'a now at the point where we both walk on egg shells, we TRY not to **** him off to save the peace, but there is ALWAYS something....

He talks like an experienced father, but he hasnt seen his kids in 2 years and have never parented full time or alone. I have raised my son myself and im so proud of him. I dont think I can do this much longer... What can I do to make him realize that I love my son and if he doesnt, I will not be with him.

How can I make him understant that he is pushing me away, hurting me and making me very sad ? This is not normal and it's freaking me out. Even if my son will soon be 20, he will always be my son, no matter what. You dont stop parenting and stop loving your kids when they turn 18....

I am 40 years old, he is 37, how can an adult act that way ? I dont get it, im tired of it, I just want someone who is nice to me and nice to my son.. is that too much to ask ? Help!

[whitemore55]

It is very normal.Any one can ignore the step child. For avoiding this problem you have to a better understanding with your boyfriend otherwise your children feels unsecured.

[Dtripp004]

omg, I am dealing with the same thing, My son just turned 18 on April 26th, however he dont yet have a job, but he is trying very hard to find one. He is my whole life beside his brother who is 21 married and in the airforce with a baby, EVERY time my family comes home they stay with us and we end up fighting, NOTHING I do is good enought it seems. I love him. I have been dating him for 4 years now. I THOUGHT once we lived together things would get better but they have only gotten worst. I am so stressed out all the time and all he is doing is pushing me away every day and now he is wanting full accuess to all the bill's and my checking acct.

[adgal]

I'm going to be honest in how I would handle problems between a boyfriend and child.  My child does and always will come first.  My husband and I are together, but if something were ever to happen and I was to become involved with another person, my son and I are absolutely a package deal.  I could not be with any man that was not good to my son.