teenage verbal abuse and behaviour, whats too much'

[helplogan]

Is there ever a defining moment when dealing with an verbally abusive teenager, a time to look what you have tried but what has in the end failed to help regardless.  
I have bipolardisorder myself,  my youngest son has ADHD and my eldest is struggling with depression with resulting aggreession, anger issues..
My eldest son's behaviour has become so unreasonable and uncontrolled that his verbal abuse and swearing have now reached a point  of unllivable. If it was localised to me I would cope with that but he thinks nothing of swearing at his siblings aswell. He finally crossed a line that even I cant ignore anymore and that a was swearing at his dad. While he was swearing at me at least he waisn't verbally attacking his siblings or dad but it took seeing it from the other side in that REALTY was I'm afraid not present and just for the record ' if somebody in your family is being verbally abusive it actually affects everybody jusr because it's not aimed in their direction it doesn't mean they aren't dealing with it too.!  I sound stupid I know but I thought I was protecting everybody and the realization that I infact was just enabling my son was and has been profound and hit hard
I have tried letting him live with family, that didn't last because when he couldn't get what he wanted and somebody said no, the last time he refused to go back hone to where he was altogether.
He recently ran away and was listed missing for a week before the police found where he was, he wouldn't anybody's phone calls or txts and t that includes the police. He refused to come home and the authorities because of his age were unwilling to help. Great,  you are legally responsible until they are 18 but you can't keep them in or stop them from leaving. I put this to them " how can I be accountable for abandonment when he refuses to come home but I am responsible for living expense and clothes aswell. Yeah, the silly just iekept coming..
Unfortunately if there was to be rational with my son and you could get him to understand t that social services have a job to do now and what powers they do have things maybe the present situation donn wouldn't be ssuch an issue but when you have a person who doesn't care or think about how literal what you say can be taken its frightening, but when you have someone who is prone to punching walls,  A & E and questions are inevitable. Because he was under social services this time when he punched the wall and for precautions we went to have an x-ray done. Who decides when to say enough,  or I've got to decide because of how it is directly affecting them, If my son wasn't so into justifying his actions and if who or what he handed to mattered to him it might be a start.
I have had to decide that for now my son living at home with us isn't an option.
Do not misunderstand me,  My son still has our support and when he is in a better place mentally we want him at home with us. Please don't judge me too harshly..

[helplogan]

Hi, I am sorry I haven't been here to update this before now but I have been quite unwell with my bipolar disorder recently along with other things.
Anyway, my son is doing so much better recently and the best part is he is still living at home. :-)
He has a social worker now who he sees regularly, she has given him and us a lot of help and support initially I was wary because of who they are.
When we had our meeting about his living arrangements and we explained that at  present his behaviour had made him living at home untenable right now, obviously when things improved he could come home anytime. Once they'd spoken they relayed to us he only wanted to live at home and how sad he was. I explained we wanted the same but the verbal abuse had become too much and he didn't appear to want to try which gave me nothing to work with, put a plan\ or agreement in place then staying at home was an option. They were taken aback when we explained that all we asked was the abusive swearing stop or at leas improve and that he needed to make an effort when possible as that gave me something to work with. Anything else could be resolved in time, there is only so much you can realistically resolve at the beginning.. I recently thanked his social worker for everything she is doing for him and how much of a difference it was making to our lives . She didn't seem to know what to say at first as she appeared overwhelmed with the comments. She then said " No one had ever thanked her before and understood our initial rervations about her department being involved but that there job is really to help and hopefully they make a difference for the better."
I haven't been verbally sworn at since, he now tries to compromise and negotiate when we don't agree on something. His anger management techniques are helping him a lot,  if he is struggling with a situation then he is allowed to walk away and go out to calm down but the agreement is he has to come home again. Which he has done.
Anyway, sorry if I've rambled I just wanted to give you as much detail as I could incase someone was struggling with an abusive teenager and what we'd resolved so far might help.
Thank you for all of your continued support,
Helplogan x

[specialmom]

I just wanted to add that I really feel for you.   We raise our kids and it is heartbreaking when they go through difficult periods which this certainly sounds like it is.  Why do you think your son has such anger?  

I also want to not that while you say YOU can deal with it but it crossed the boundary when it was done to your other child and your husband.  It was too much for you to be sworn at dear.  You love your child and deserve his respect.

I agree with sandman that identifying the root is essential here.  If it is add/adhd, depression/anxiety, or another mental health issue-----  that should be determined.  I'd consider a psychiatrist at this point.  I'm sure he won't be cooperative but do the best you can with that.  Work in terms of telling him you love him and you'd like to get back on track.

There is a book that I will recommend called "love and logic" by Charles Fey which is excellent for typical teenage issues.  This is outside of the norm in its extreme nature but that book will help you with approaches to use that holds your ground without losing your temper with him.

If he is self harming (bashing his head into a wall), he may honestly do well with an involuntary inpatient treatment to assess what is going on.  A professional team would then work on the situation to provide help for him.  could he be involved in drugs?  Ugh.  

I do feel for you and hope it all works out.  Mom to mom, I am sure this hurts.

[Sandman2]

   Well, if your younger son has ADHD, then it is also possible that your older son also has ADHD - which would explain a lot of his actions.   And, of course, if you know the root cause for his actions - it then becomes possible to deal with them.  Has the possibility of him having ADHD ever been explored?

[helplogan]

Please forgive my spellings,  I'm typing on a phone. I wish I could delete this as I don't really know how much sense the above actually makes.
Family are trying to be supportive, apparently to someone I'm throwing him out,  what I replied with was no, I. Am just choosing not to live that way anylonger. I'm hoping that if you take me and my illness as an excuse out of the equation, they will see the extent of his problems and give the help he needs and deserves. While they keep looking at me as a reason for his behaviour, they aren't looking at him properly.