Who do I live my life for? Obviously not for me.

[Weffette]

I suffer from MAJOR Depression, anxiety, PTSD, chronic pain, several auto immune disorders and frequent suicidal thoughts. I have NEVER felt "normal"...ever!  For a long while, I took up a few hobbies and they seemed to pull me out of my funk...for a while.  But when an event happens...ANY event that affects my emotions, it throws me right back under the bus.
I have attempted suicide 3 times since I was 19 years old...I am in my 50's now.
For years I have been fighting with my mind regarding ending this charade, some would call life.  People say..."what will it do to your family?". Great question...but an even better question is..."Do I live my life to please others?".  Believe me...people do forget you.
I take anti depressants, anti inflammatories, anti anxiety when needed...absolutely NOTHING helps.  I have a therapist that sits and plays with a piece of paper in his fingers and enjoys talking about HIS family.  I was suppose to see him tomorrow...I REALLY NEED TO DISCUSS THIS DEGREE OF THOUGHT I AM IN,  what happened? He canceled and I can't see him until NEXT week. Lovely.
I am at the end...I hurt, I cry, I have NO friends...REALLY...NONE. My so-called "boy friend" of 14 years, isn't a boy friend at all. He's a drunk, racist, selfish, opinionated, bigot.  I moved out in 2009 and the only reasons I stay in touch with him: he owes me $2,700.00, we are familiar with eachother, and I have many things still "stored" at his place (I moved to a tiny apartment and have no place to store these things). Its such a SAD situation.  His adult "Christian" children have judged me because I moved out (due to his abusive behavior when drunk).  
I am SO SICK OF ALL THIS CRAP.  Its time to just GO.  I have a plan...I have the means...I have my wishes written out.  
I am financially devestated...absolutely NO MONEY...I have applied 3 times for disability...still waiting for a decision on this 3rd time.  I cannot get the proper medical care or medications because of no money or proper health coverage.
I have county doctors that truly do not care if I live or die...REALLY. I even had one tell me that I am just like 100's of other patients she has...WOW...REALLY? Just like them huh?  How many of those are alive and doing okay?
I'm done writing...I don't want ANY pity.  I don't want ANY religious quotes.  I don't want to hear from anyone who has NEVER attempted suicide before because you DO NOT HAVE A CLUE.

[Bubulous]

If you are trying to gat back to the peaceful state here is some advice....

If you climbed a mountain that grows every second, when you finish you feel great achievemnt.  If that feels like enough for you then you are setting yourself up for failure.  The mountain keeps growing and many people will die trying to climb it.  Those of us who have climbed it have to go back sometimes and climb it again, even if it seems taller than it was.  There will likely even be more obstacles in our way.  The point is....

Those of us who have made it must climb the mountain again.  The amount of times you have to climb it depends on how long you stay at the top fantasizing and daydreaming about the overwhelming accomplishment we have done.  We also need to climb it so others will see that it is possible....Good Luck

[Weffette]

Hi Poo,

Wow...I can certainly identify with many of the things you mentioned.  What I cannot understand is the insurance stuff with your meds. OMG!  Ask your doc for info on the "prescription programs" some drug companies offer. Low income patients can get free medications...if not covered by insurance.  Might not be eligible...what insurance do you have besides medicare? Can you get 6 months worth all at once? Its NOT healthy to go off anti depressants and start up again, over and over. That can play havoc with the chemicals in your brain!!  Please talk with your doc to see if something can get worked out. maybe triple the daily doses so you would actually have 3 months worth in one bottle.
I think its aweful that drug companies (FDA) and medical insurance organizations have their hands in our pockets and have our government in theirs. Pretty messed up.
Thank you for sharing your story with me.  I feel a little better this week, but my depression will always be here. Some days are much worse than others. A few months ago I made a promise to myself to NOT worry about money because it was stressing me out so bad. It worked until last Friday...now I am starting over...trying to get back to the Not Worry stage. Things happen for a reason, I am told.  But...what are the reasons? I am stumped...what am I here for and why am I like this? All that crap floods my head.  I was looking at old photos this past weekend...I found so much of my "old" self in them.  I used to be daring and funny and the life of the party...hiding my pain and self loating from everybody. After awhile I realized...what do I care if people know I am in pain? Why am I afraid to let others know the real me? Unfortunately, many people DON'T want to be around a depressed person...maybe because they are afraid to face demons in life...maybe they themselves don't know how to react to anothers saddness? Who knows...I can say this...I cannot be around others that are depressed or manic...I am all I can handle in my little world right now. I do know that I can make my destiny whatever I want it to be.  I have grand children...they are why I am still alive...honestly.  Its just SO hard fighting with my head...I lose sight of the real stuff I have in my heart.
Please find something you like doing  as in reading...researching...painting...hiking...gardening...woodworking.  I know...its hard to do ANYTHING when our head holds us hostage...easier said than done. It suks and I, personally, had to force myself out of bed to finish long forgotten projects. I re arranged my living room furniture, finished a wall painting, re-started on another art project. There is so much I can do...if my brain would allow me to stop, rewind and play in a different mode.  
Well Angela, stay in touch! I'll add you as a friend.  We ALL need aechother, whether we want to believe it or not. I realized people...virtually strangers...really DO care.
YOU feel BETTER, too!
<3 Weffette

[Poo44clooner]

Hi I know I have come to your side late but looks like you have received some good advice.  I understand what you are talking about.  I also have never felt "normal" either.  Even throughout my childhood, all I can remember is being different than everyone else.  I have major depression and panic attacks from childhood til this very day and I guess it will be with me til the end. I have been on disability since 2002 after working  at a lab for 15 years.  I had to stop because my head was so full of paranoia, severe panic and depression and the doc i was seeing had me on 6 or 7 drugs, could hardly keep my eyes open.  He then referred me to my doc now, thank God, because he finally weaned me off the drugs and tried all the newest drugs and even 30 shock treatments, nothing worked.  I know what you are talking about when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, one day is just like the others, deep, dark depression, constantly in bed, no energy to get out of bed to even shower.  Hearing the sounds of the world outside my bedroom window and was very jealous and would cry.  Why is my life like this?  Where's my life?  It isn't even a life.  Total isolation except from calls from my mom, while the rest of the family doesn 't believe that I am ill and they don't understand why I am at home and not working still, and why have I gained so much weight.  Like I asked for this life.  I even started to think that I was lazy and wanted this life.  But no, who asks for this kind of pain, that is neverending.  Not even the funniest shows will make me laugh.  I had no life in me at all, no hope.  Then one day my doc said that he didn't know what to do with me, then he said if I minded trying some of the old antidepressants from the 50's and 60's.  I said yes, couldn't hurt, he put me on parnate, and after a few weeks of being on the highest dosage  he could put me on, I began to laugh, was less isolated, enrolled in school and am excited to go back to work.  However I do not want to work with people anymore because I am very moody, there are days when I am happy, and days where i don't want to smile and talk and don't like having to explain my mental condition to people.  Hopefully I will be working from home, that would fit perfect.  I don't know if this is helping you but i have had and still have my experiences with our so called insurance.  Toward the end of the year, I reach the "donut hole" where the copay is not $5 but over $300, so I had to stop the parnate cold turkey......life was hell.  Then when the year starts over the copay goes back to $5 and then it takes another several weeks for the therapeutic dosage  to kick in.  I have tried several times to kill myself, nothing nasty, no blood, just about 50 benadryls at one time and it does a real job on my head, can't keep a single thought in my head, it quiets the noise in my head and I lay in bed and wait to sleep crying because this will hurt my daughter and parents.  So far I haven't gone into a coma, but I still do it.  I tied just the other day.  You could better understand what I am talking about, you don't want to die but how do you live with all this pain plus the regular problems of life, like money issues, etc.  I cannot handle when something goes wrong I totally flip out because my plate is already full of my mental illness and anything else just sets me off, I am uncapable of handling regular life issues.
I hope that I did not bore you but I thought that maybe you would see that you are not alone, I too have no friends, really don't want anyone too close to me, besides my daughter and my parents.  In your darkest hours I want you to remember me and all the others here at Medhelp.  You are not alone in your pain and struggles.  Take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time.  And if you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me.  I understand you and feel your pain, because I have it too. Think of us and try to hold onto some kind of hope that will get you through to the next day. You will get better. I believe in this. Don't ever give up on yourself EVER.You are all you have, you know yourself better than anyone else, take care of yourself.
Feel better,
Angela

[Weffette]

Yeah....you can say that here!  hahaha   laughter is so healthy for the soul!!!
      http://www.brainleadersandlearners.com/humor/a-brain-on-laughter/
Again...thank you for being here.
Betty Ford....a pioneer for women!
Public awareness about breast cancer...
Speaking out on alcohol and prescription drug addiction...
She helped the world feel less afraid to approach these issues that plagued so many.
She will be missed.

[aheart]

Aww, that's what I want to hear! You still have your dreams, life is worth living! We will still have days that make us feel like rolling up but that's when we reach out to people and just breath sometimes. Just heard Betty Ford died, she lived a good life, I remember when she was slurring her words, when she opened the center. What a lady, did more for people than any other First Lady. You can help alot of people around here, it's alot to make people less afraid of facing their future, knowing someone is listening is huge when your hurting. We are glad you are here!! Especially Me! You make me laugh and that is very healing, I want to laugh til I pee my pants! Can I say that here?? Love, aheart

[Weffette]

YOU REALLY ARE MY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!  I love you!  We have kindred souls, you and I.
Almost made me cry when you talked about taking the little girl by the hand...that is EXACTLY what I must do. Your wisdom amazes me, dear friend.
What I meant by no friends...I have no friends within a distance. But even then...I have 3 total..ooops 4 counting you! :)
Lets hobble togther through the muck of healthcare and emotional growth. One day...we will meet.  I hope you are right about the disability.
I have been dreaming up things to do if I get it! I want to buy a little travel trailer, fix up my truck and hit the road.  A few years ago I had a plan to do this...thats why I got my Saint Bernard...but plans fell through.  Need to be sure my truck is very road worthy before I go anywhere. I need a spiritual journey...by myself. Maybe I'll adopt a dog from a shelter and it can be my travel buddy.
See? I am beginning to see something positive...whether it comes true or not isn't important...its the fact that I CAN see light and a door still open for my future.
Thank you  <3  <3  <3

[aheart]

Believe this or not but you are just around the bend for getting your disability! It always takes two turn downs and you will get it on the third try. Wait and see if I am not right. You said you have no friends, that's a incorrect statement, I care about you and want to be your friend, you already know this! And I'm not to shabby lady as a friend! So lets take a minute at a time if neccesary and fight the good fight.There IS AN ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM. Please be your own best friend, I mean really go beyond anything you have ever done for anyone. Love this lady who is in sooo much pain. If you can't love the adult than take a little girl by the hand and guide her (yourself) and love her like you have never loved before. One day at a time. Down with self hating, down with self-doubt, I suffer from it too so I do know the struggle. I have not walked in your shoes but I have hobbled along in mine! Live.

[Weffette]

Thank you for your perspective.  Such young people with old souls...I am glad you have found "your place" at an early age. Good insights.
I am contemplating going to a mental hospital...but...my insurance does not cover it and I have NO way of paying for it.  I need REAL help...I realize this.  The red tape of insurance and health care is going to choke me to death...spiritually, emotionaly, and physically.
My therapist is NOT a psychiatrist nor is he a psychologist...he is a social worker. He is nice enough and he does validate my concerns, but I have yet to truly open up and reveal the darkness I feel.
This may sound strange and eveb absurd, but in 1976, a guy that practiced black magic said he was going to curse me if I refused to go out with him...of course, I refused to go out with him. Since then, I, LITERALLY, have been in turmoil within. Yeah yeah, wacky...but if one is spiritually sensitive with a little bit of paranormal abilities...this could become a serious problem.  
Hmmmmm...I am left with HUGE decisions that only I can make.  I have no answers as of today and expect none from anyone other than myself.
Again...thank you

[more0then0a0virus]

OK, i`m  so f*cking young, but I`m struggling with some things.

I always end up on the bottom too. But now I˙`m not there so that helps. I try to live in the present. I tell past and future to f*ck off and try to live here, and make this moment the best one possible in the moment. if you spend too much time thinking of the past, it makes you overwhelmed and frustrated. If you think too much of the future, it makes you happy if you have some litlle and great plan (and that is really important - to have something to look foward too), but if it ends up badly, you are on the bottom. so, i try not to have so much hope because it`s life. just that. it`s unpredictable. and you will always have some ups and downs, but important thing is to have more ups. It`s not easy for me, and i`m just a teenager, but it can be done.

i think you do not live your life to please others. you live it to please yourself. that is selfish, but we all do it. but if you don`t explore enough, you`ll never find something reliable which will make you happy... exploring can be fun if you chose the right area. it`s never to late.

you are a sensitive person, and it is hard, but you have to make yourself do something about it. things won`t change by themself, trust me... so, please, find some strength in you to try. if you think: "this time is like every else(unsuccesful)", it won`t work. so f*uck the past.... live in present.

you are not unmeaningful creature. everyone has his/her own problems, but the point is we have to deal with it. This world is cruel, but we have a hance. A big, a huge chance to find ourselves, and when we do that, we`ll be completed.

You are frustrated because your psychologiest is not avaliable. It`s a small thing. You are just making things bigger then they are. I do that also, so... but, what the f*ck? Ok, he is not here now, but never mind. you have some time before the meeting, so use it the best way you can. it`s hard for me to make some changes, and even harder for you, who is much older and used to some things... but it CAN be done. have faith in yourself.

it`s easy to say, but hard to do. but, trust me, if you don`t spend your time winning about problems and that, it`s much easier. Try not to focus on one bad thing. try to see the best of everything.

nothing can be perfect. and that` the fact. you are not, i am not, and no one else is perfect... we just have to find a way, our own way how to deal with our own problems. my way is e.g. drawing, writing,...  sometimes you have to escape from realitly. by enything (fate, hobbies,...), and that`s ok. because we, who analyses too much, end up this way. screw*d up...

you have a choice: live here, just be, do what you have to the soonest you can, and than spend free time the best way you can.... or think. too much thinking makes us really fragile, and that`s not the point. The point is to find your OWN way to be happy, no matter what people think about it. Maybe it`s better to be happy then be yourself when you are so sensitive... but i don`t know.

i can talk and talk... but the point is: everything depends on you. you have to fight for yourself. no one else can... do it. and do it. over and oer again. and if it`s more ups, then you should be proud...

life is hard, but we can`t change it by ourselves. so, if we want to be happy, we have to change ourselves.

i started two months ago. i was in emotional pain, destroyed all the time, and i feel worthless... but then i asked people what`s more important: to be yourself or to be happy. They said to be happy. so i`m working on it. i have my downs, and then i end up jumping over the house, i scream, i use knife to destroy anything possible. and then i calm down, use my brain, and tell myself: "You are such a b*tch. look at people around you. Look retarded, look damaged ppl. and you complicate everything. so, few things went wrong. so what? it will be better."  you have to find a way to get out when you are on the bottom. i did it three times already, and i`m so proud. so, just try to find yourself in the place it`ll make you happy.

sorry about the grammar. i live realy far from SAD and UK....






yes,