what is up with meee???

[majoranxietypatient]

So there is no concept of going to the doctor for depression in my family, my dad thinks its a phase that everyone goes through...its not a disease. But as far as I can remember, I've been silent and shy all my life. I was sexually abused many times during my life, once by a family member(cant write who) then by a religious teacher (ugly, filthy man) then by a servant(dirty, DIRTY man) then again by a family member(someone else not the same one). So my life went by like that resulting in me growing up to be an introverted woman. I cannot trust anyone, especially any guy, thats why I cant even talk to them properly. I think of them as disgusting. I've thought a lot about committing suicide but never ever tried because i'm scared of dying and going to hell for all my sins. I'm a muslim woman, I've harmed myself by cutting, it feels so good, the pain. Sometimes when im going through my really depressive phase, i tend to isolate myself from everyone. My mom wants me to talk to her but i can't. Not a good relationship with her. I need my space and once when this teacher tried to invade that space, I felt helpless. I don't know whats going on, recently I've developed major anxiety disorder, even that is not diagnosed by a doctor, but by myself, because i was having major panic attacks and I didn't know what they were so I searched online for an answer and came here, discovered that I'm not really dying, its just anxiety and stress and panic and I need to calm myself down. Such a sad life I've had so far, i dunno whats in store for me next. I dont want to be married either because of trust issues with men, but in my religion, being marriage free is not looked upon as being a good thing, if my dad says i have to get married, then I have to get married. no arguments. Sigh. So my question is do I suffer from depression or not, and what do I take, I've taken one anti depressant in my life but that was for the treatment of anxiety.  

[mammo]

You have been thru a lot, which can only be attributing to your anxiety and depression.  I hope you know you did nothing wrong, and these are sick people to do what they did to you.  But you need to go to therapy over all this because it is affecting your quality of life now, and will continue to do so in the future.  Give your mom a chance, I'm sure she loves you and is extending a hand to you.  Shutting people out will not accomplish anything positive for you, or head you in a direction of recovery.  As difficult as all this is, you need to talk to someone, and the more you do, the easier it will be.  I'm sure medication will be needed to help you cope with everything for awhile.  Keep in mind that you had no control over your life as a helpless child, but now you do!  You are worried as to what will happen next, why don't you decide this for yourself?  You are obviously a strong young lady to have endured all you have, so I know you can do this.  You need and deserve to have a happy life, so start now with therapy.  Trust your mom, if she disappoints you then make the decision to not say any more to her, but give her a chance. Someone needs to give the facts to your father, he needs to know how you are feeling.  Maybe between you and your mother you can do this, or with the help of a psychiatrist.  Please don't shut people out of your life.  As parents sometimes it's hard for us to accept that our child needs help, but once we do there is no stopping us from getting it for them.  Try to open up, and let your parents know how bad you are feeling.  

[whodunnit]

Hello,

Given what you've suffered and who hurt you I would have to ask why you would want to stay in both that family and that religion. Truly.

What have they ever done for you?

Forget family loyalty, tradition, religious rules. Find a way to leave that prison you are in.

To face being told to marry someone you have never met would truly be hell on earth for you given your background.

It's a huge mountain for you to climb to overcome those inbuilt barriers but ask yourself why those barriers were built for you.

They were built by a religion and people who want to use you. Apparently as a sexual object and not as a woman. That is no life for anyone and you must try to get out of it or, well you know the or.

I wish such things did not happen and I wish that males were not like this but so many are. I'm male but I could never think and act as those you describe have. And for your father to persist with those false hopes is so sad.

You need to see a doctor, find a way to see one and just help yourself from there. Don't tell your family the real reason for the initial visit, make up something.

I feel for you.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes you could very well have depression but of course only a psychiatrist could provide an exact diagnosis. Sometimes anxiety disorder can accompany depression. If you have had suicidal ideations or engaged in any behavior that is harmful to yourself it would be best to speak to a psychiatrist. Your family's ideas are their own. However, after you start seeing a psychiatrist NAMI friend and family support groups can be helpful in this regard in educating people.