Desire for suicide or thoughts that lie?

[1900116]

I used to be so depressed. My therapist said it was the worst depression he has ever seen. I've gotten so much better. I'm doing well. So why do I still think about suicide? Why do I still sometimes think life isn't worth it? Why do I still fantasize about death? I won't kill myself because I know that will devastate my friends and family. Are these thoughts reflective of my true feelings or am I just having uncontrollable thoughts? OCD thoughts? I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I still love life. I still love my friends and family and I know they love me but I can't help think that I just want to ******* kill myself. Sometimes I think that it's the only option (that sounds like such a cliche but it's true). Do I really want to die or are my thoughts lies?

[boogieman]

Hello. Just remember, you're making progress, and it will take a little time. A lot of my problem has been chemical dependency, which has had an effect on my reactions to treatment. But I'm just trying to do the next right thing, and for today I'm sober and trying to be patient. Take care, GM

[1900116]

I emailed my therapist. He thinks this is stress and that over the course of my depression I've turned negative thoughts into an instinctive response to stress. Also, I haven't had control because of my mood disorder and I still feel helpless, even though I'm doing better. He said that I should try to focus on 'positive talk' and developing confidence in myself.
That makes sense but with my history of depression and OCD thoughts I don't think that's the only cause. I don't know...mental illness is too complicated.

God, I hope my medication regiment is established more quickly than you, boogieman. I just started on medication a little over 2 years ago. It already feels like an eternity. I can't imagine living the next 15 years as the past couple years have gone.

[boogieman]

Howdy. The medication thing can be trial and error, I've been on all kinds of things since I was originally diagnosed in 1991. Now I'm on a cocktail of seroquel, effexor, lamictal, trazodone and campral, which I'm none to happy about, and still have symptoms. As previously stated, talk with your doctor to examine your options, and make med adjustments if needed. Take care, GM

[heyjude1]

Have you discussed this with you therapist?  Could be some depression or depression sneaking back on you.  It could be OCD....I'd talk with therapist about it.
Are you on anti depressants?  Maybe they need to be "tweaked" a bit.

[1900116]

I've seen many therapists and have tried many meds. I am currently seeing one therapist once a week and am on a medication cocktail of seroquel, lamictal, wellbutrin, cymbalta, adderall. Maybe I am depressed. My appetite has changed a lot, as has my sleep. And, there's always drama to be a trigger.

[boogieman]

Hello. Your statement, "I don't want to wake up tomorrow" indicates to me that you are still suffering from depression, although it may not be as troubling as it once was. Were you seeing a therapist or on meds? If so, are you still? I fully understand your statement, as I often don't want to face the day, and at times the only thing that keeps me from checking out is the pain it would cause others. Take care, GM