Dealing with breakup and baby not being mine all in one

[ckester542]

ok so short version of this story. met this girl we fell for each other but she had a bf well she left him after being with him for a year then came to me and shes not that type of girl to do things like that she is very conservative never done that in her life.  so we date for 4 months best of my life and shes so happy in love saying she wants to be with me forever im the perfect guy. then she sees her ex at a party i didnt go to and she had to have him carry her to a car cuz she was too drunk to walk  and she started having feelings for him again. and she felt bad for cheating on him before she kissed two guys at the begining of their relationship and now feels like she owes him. so we try it then we take a break during that break she goes and sleeps with him a couple times. and i knew she would cuz she said she wanted to know if he has changed so she is going back and forth between me and him for a month sleeping with him and still coming over and staying the night with me.i forgave her for all of that and she said she knew she would be with me she just needed to settle what she had with him. and she tells me the truth buy cannot tell him the truth because he will get mad if he knew we were hanging out that whole time. well she ends up getting prego. till a appointment we didnt know whos it was but thought it was more likely mine. i was willing to forgive her cuz she did want to be with me and not him anymore then she was saying things like i want it to be yours and i love you so much.telling me im perfect and she would be dumb to leave me. But she didnt want to cut the dad out of the picture if it was him either and i kept talking about the situation so much like i wanted to know what to do and she didnt know and  it stressed her out and she was worried about the baby so for a month i did that i tried not to .i get really depressed cuz we stop talking and am really down and talked about if it was his idk what i would do and if i would even make a good dad since i have tried to kill myself once a long time ago and so shes mad at me and within a week goes the other right every time i try to talk she gets mad at me says mean things it got to the point she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore then shes trying again with her and then she didnt want i to be my kid and that was all within two weeks when before that it was all about me. So go to appointment thinking no way it could be his . its his. And now im left here dealing with a break up. i love this girl very much and it was more then just a relationship to me and now shes going to have a kid i thought was mine so if i ever see them ill think that could of been my family. and i have a problem i just sit there and look at pics of her the pain of this is way to hard for me to handle i cant everywhere i go i see her and a memory of us like just going to walmart even getting in my car and i interact with that memory which is weird  and now im even making up my own like a new place i go to i picture her walking out from around the corner to come by me. or if im in a hotel like coming from the shower to get in bed. im really finding it hard to keep on going like this and ive dealt with a bad break up before and almost offed myself cuz the pain was to hard and i was still feeling it two years later but this is a million times worse i loved her a whole lot more and the whole kid thing to is hard and i dont think i can make it. I still love her and want to be with her but at this point she really dont want much to do with me. And what happens if that 1% chance of the kid being mine is true and after 9 months i get dragged back in. even though she told me she dont want me to come back into the pic even if it is mine. i dont know if she is just frustrated and stressed. she says she dont hate me but basically there is no need for us to talk anymore all her family now knows its his and not mine. i just dont understand any of this and im losing my mind bad. i cant do anything with out feeling like im going to jump out of my skin and im really afraid im going to try something in one of those surges of all those feelings coming on to me at once. i do know time heals all things but i dont have a magic wand to make time go faster so for now im stuck in this pain. and i still do want to be with her if they didnt work out even if it wasnt my kid. and im afaid to get involved again because if i let someone in and i feel again and it goes south i wont make it through that. i give not just my love in relationships i give everything i am.

[Gretta96]

I would tell her what you want and tell her to make a decision.  You say you want to be a father to her child, does that mean you want to marry her too?  
People make mistakes and that's okay, but she at least has to own up to her mistakes and either try to make it right with you or let you go.

[remar]

Is she or is'nt she in a committed relationship with this other guy? If she's answering your calls it seems like she is not. Wouldn't you be worried that if the two of you did get back together she would do the same thing to you? There's no going back and forth. Either you're in a committed relationship or you're not.
I know you're hurting right now and you want things to be the way they were. But, I really think you would be much better off if you moved ahead with your life. You're young and you're going to meet other girls. One of them is going to be the right girl for you.
To me, it sounds like your ex is keeping you hanging on just in case the other guy skips out on her. Just my opinion and I could very well be wrong. This is all driving you crazy with her going back and forth between the two of you. That's really no way to live. You deserve to be happy.    

[ckester542]

The doctors said that it was very unlikey mine like a .1% chance of being mine. They will get a test when it is born to be sure. Thats the thing i dont care about the drama i love this girl with everything i have. and she did for me too at one point. Like before we found out about the baby she was wanting to come back to me. and then when we found out she still wanted it to be me and for me to be the dad not him at all  then later on she changed her mind cuz shes so frustrated with me.But i cant really move on ever its not fair to someone else if all i want is my ex. im willing to wait a long time and have hope that it could work out between us then to ever try at love again. and idk if that is just creepy or what it is. but i dont want this girl out of my life. and she still cares like she answers my calls if i ever call and replies to my text. with him she never did that. we did have something special and im willing to be there for her if she dont want to be with him and make it work out even though its not my kid i will step up and be a great dad

[remar]

I'm sorry you're going through this. How do you know for sure the baby is'nt yours? I would ask for a DNA test when the baby is born.
You say this girl is very conservative but she is seeing two men at the same time and her boyfriend had to help her because she was so drunk. Also, she was having sex with two men and not using any protection. Now there's a baby on the way and there's no way to say who the father is until it's born.
Think about it. Do you really want all of this drama in your life? Of course if the baby does turn out to be yours you will have to be there for that child.
It sounds like you may have had some depression going on for awhile now. Have you ever been in therapy? If not, I would highly recommend it. It will help you deal with the depression.
We're here to listen and help any way we can.