Hello. I really need advice and I don't know where else to turn. I'm a 25 year old male and I've been quite happy and well until recently.
Over the past few days, I've started having memories of two particular moments from my childhood that I could not recall for a number of years that have left me feeling extremely guilty, full of shame and very much in a deeply regretful state. In both cases, I was very young, probably under the age of 7 or 8. The first incident involved myself and a girl who was a couple of years younger than me. I was at her home with a bunch of other friends. I remember the girl and I sort of liked eachother and we sneaked off into another room while the others were doing whatever it was they were doing. At some point we ended up in bed under the covers. We ended up playing a "show me yours and I'll show you mine" game. We didn't touch, but we looked at eachother.
The second incident was with a female cousin who's roughly the same age as me. I remember we were in my old bedroom one day laying in the bed with our clothes on. At some point we tried to kiss, and with both reached down eachother's pants. We did not touch eachother's genitals and we never removed our clothes, thank god, but I still feel a deep amount of shame. I feel deep shame for both incidents. I haven't been able to talk to anybody about it. I'm scared about what my parents might think and I dread to think what my girlfriend would think about all of this. Since these memories have come back, I've hardly been able to stay happy. I know I was only a child at the time and I know for sure that my intentions were not hurtful, but it feels awful to live with all of this in my mind. I don't know what to do. I feel sick just typing this all up and I'm crying my eyes out everytime I think about it.
I haven't had any contact with the younger girl for a number of years and I lost touch with my cousin after a major family dispute. I don't know if either of them can remember anything and if they do, I don't think I'll ever know how they feel about any of it. The thing that really hurts is that I've heard that my cousin was involved in an incident years later when she was in her mid-teens that involved someone who was under the age of 6. It makes me wonder if what we did was one of the catalysts for her wrongful behaviour. I don't want to feel responsible for what she did and I don't want my loved ones to think I'm responsible for it either. I don't want this to haunt me for the rest of my life.
What makes it worse is that I've lived a relatively normal life since these incidents. I did well at school, went to college, I'm steadily employed, have good friends, never been in trouble with the police and I'm in a strong relationship with a woman I love deeply. I should be on top of the world, but I feel like these incidents will destroy all of it. Please, I need advice.
For some reason, telling each other of the times we wanted to murder each other and even made plans to do so, seems to be different than the shame and guilt that sexual contact generates...
Have you tried journaling to yourself a letter you might send to your cousin and just pour all your feelings into it that you are struggling with now. I do know exactly what you are talking about with her and then with her incident as she got older....When we are children we think like children and only act in our own interests, as we grow in maturity we realize that everything that we do does have a rebound effect somewhere down the road, and I think this is what you are talking about....You don't even have to ever mail the journal letter to anyone, and you could use it as a starting point to a daily or weekly journal. The great thing about writing down feelings is that we can go back to them and see if we are moving forward with our emotional life or staying stuck....
I just listened to a TED Talk on Youtube by Brene Brown and she says in her experience, Shame will keep you from fully developing and moving on in life. I think like Brice said, perhaps it is time to talk to a professional about your experiences. I do wish you the very best
M