Aa
Help? I dont know what to do...
I always used to be a really active, happy, and healthy person. Im just 14, but i dont think it matters.
I am russian, and I moved to america about 3 years ago. I am currently in high school.
I live with my mother and my grandmother, because my parents were divorced.
When i first came to America I knew no english whatsoever, so it was kinda embarassing for me at first. So i didnt really had any friends or talked to anyone during my years in junior high. My grades were good, I had a 97 average. But I had some problems at home. My mom worked full time and took college classes, so she was basically never at home, but my grandmother was always at home. But the thing is... she hated me. She used to curse me out, yell at me, hit me, and i couldnt even do anything about it. So, during the summer before 9th grade i attempted a suicide because my life was really miserable. Fortunatelly, or not, i failed. I tried starve my self, so i didnt eat for like 11 days, but then i just couldnt take the hunger pains anymore so i started eating again... That summer i also started to cut myself, because it was the only way for me to relieve anger and pain. It actually really helped, but i knew it was wrong to do, and i didnt want to have scars afterwards. I also developed bulimia, i would eat a lot when feeling emotional, and then.. you know.. get rid of food. When i went to hs, i made some friends, and everything started to get better. I soon got a bf, and we really liked each other, and everything was fine. Yes, i still had fights with my grandmother, but i was trying to come home as late as possible every day so she didnt bothered me as much. But this affected my grades. I go to specialized hs, and we get tons and tons of hw. I always had problems with sleeping and falling asleep, but now i had to stay up really late, till like 2 or 3 every night to do all of my hw. I was really tired during the day, so i didnt really pay attention in classes, and i started to give up my hw to get at least some sleep. This affected my grades, my mom started getting pissed at me, because she thinks im just being lazy not doing my hws. Recently, i started getting migranes, really bad ones, and feeling tired all the time. I also broke up with my bf, but it doesnt really matter, i wasnt really upset. The problem now is that i started getting crying spells. I never cry in public or anything, and always try to look happy and be nice even if i dont want to. But at home, at night, i can just start crying without a reason, and its really hard to stop. And also, i get irritated really easily now, even through i dont show it, i really get pissed off for nothing sometimes. And it also seems like i have no motivation for doing things... I used to care about school, and basically everything, now i just dont.
And also, I hate now my body looks. I look really fat, even through im about 105-110 pounds, and im around 5'3''. And i cant diet or anything because i need food emotionally. But maybe its my fault.
Basically, I hate my life, and the only reason im probably still living is because of my friends who can lift my mood up.
sorry for any misspelings, or anything, i didnt proofread my text because i dont feel like doing it, im just writting this because im really upset and i need help.
I am russian, and I moved to america about 3 years ago. I am currently in high school.
I live with my mother and my grandmother, because my parents were divorced.
When i first came to America I knew no english whatsoever, so it was kinda embarassing for me at first. So i didnt really had any friends or talked to anyone during my years in junior high. My grades were good, I had a 97 average. But I had some problems at home. My mom worked full time and took college classes, so she was basically never at home, but my grandmother was always at home. But the thing is... she hated me. She used to curse me out, yell at me, hit me, and i couldnt even do anything about it. So, during the summer before 9th grade i attempted a suicide because my life was really miserable. Fortunatelly, or not, i failed. I tried starve my self, so i didnt eat for like 11 days, but then i just couldnt take the hunger pains anymore so i started eating again... That summer i also started to cut myself, because it was the only way for me to relieve anger and pain. It actually really helped, but i knew it was wrong to do, and i didnt want to have scars afterwards. I also developed bulimia, i would eat a lot when feeling emotional, and then.. you know.. get rid of food. When i went to hs, i made some friends, and everything started to get better. I soon got a bf, and we really liked each other, and everything was fine. Yes, i still had fights with my grandmother, but i was trying to come home as late as possible every day so she didnt bothered me as much. But this affected my grades. I go to specialized hs, and we get tons and tons of hw. I always had problems with sleeping and falling asleep, but now i had to stay up really late, till like 2 or 3 every night to do all of my hw. I was really tired during the day, so i didnt really pay attention in classes, and i started to give up my hw to get at least some sleep. This affected my grades, my mom started getting pissed at me, because she thinks im just being lazy not doing my hws. Recently, i started getting migranes, really bad ones, and feeling tired all the time. I also broke up with my bf, but it doesnt really matter, i wasnt really upset. The problem now is that i started getting crying spells. I never cry in public or anything, and always try to look happy and be nice even if i dont want to. But at home, at night, i can just start crying without a reason, and its really hard to stop. And also, i get irritated really easily now, even through i dont show it, i really get pissed off for nothing sometimes. And it also seems like i have no motivation for doing things... I used to care about school, and basically everything, now i just dont.
And also, I hate now my body looks. I look really fat, even through im about 105-110 pounds, and im around 5'3''. And i cant diet or anything because i need food emotionally. But maybe its my fault.
Basically, I hate my life, and the only reason im probably still living is because of my friends who can lift my mood up.
sorry for any misspelings, or anything, i didnt proofread my text because i dont feel like doing it, im just writting this because im really upset and i need help.
No, i am not going to talk with anyone about my problem, even my friends dont know anything. Im embarrased to talk about it and i dont want anyone to know, not even my mom. Because she wouldnt care and she will say - oh, you are just making stuff up, just get over it.
oh wow....u sound EXACTLY like me when i was 12. wow, starnge i never new anyone could feel the same. i used to have the same crying spells and i would hav panic attacks. really sucked! i kno what u mean by the body looking fat-mine did to ! still does.. i weight the same, i would tell my friends that and they would always say i waz nutz for thinking iz fat...idk chicka. i lived with my mum for a long time then my father got joint custody so i lived with mum some and dad some- thats when the crying spells started bkuz my mum was going to send me to boot camp and all that crap, my family said i was rude and disrespectful, but i felt so alone-like no one in the whole world understood, and that no one ever would. very sad i was....then when i got older i was able to truly understand myself(or mostly-there is still some things i have to work out) what doesnt kill u makes u stronger-remember that.
Hi Tanya,
If you can somehow get some support, from a counsellor, you have alot on your plate right now, and it would help to get a counsellor to help you work through this stuff. If you cannot get a counsellor, maybe there is a teacher or other adult that you trust, who can help to guide you through this difficult time. Your friends sound like an awesome support system, and I am glad to hear they are there for you. You are lucky to have such great friends !
I used to slash too, and had some suicide attempts. I am now 40 yrs old, and life sometimes goes up and down, but hang on, it does always get better. I can tell you are a fighter, hang in and never give up. You are much stronger than you may know.
I used to be 14 and in pain, but now at 40 yrs old, I can honestly say I am glad I have hung on, and lived, there have been so many fun times in there. You are going thru difficulty now, but it will not always be hard, life can be fun too, and it will be fun for you again too.
Sending a hug your way.
Darlene
If you can somehow get some support, from a counsellor, you have alot on your plate right now, and it would help to get a counsellor to help you work through this stuff. If you cannot get a counsellor, maybe there is a teacher or other adult that you trust, who can help to guide you through this difficult time. Your friends sound like an awesome support system, and I am glad to hear they are there for you. You are lucky to have such great friends !
I used to slash too, and had some suicide attempts. I am now 40 yrs old, and life sometimes goes up and down, but hang on, it does always get better. I can tell you are a fighter, hang in and never give up. You are much stronger than you may know.
I used to be 14 and in pain, but now at 40 yrs old, I can honestly say I am glad I have hung on, and lived, there have been so many fun times in there. You are going thru difficulty now, but it will not always be hard, life can be fun too, and it will be fun for you again too.
Sending a hug your way.
Darlene
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