I dont know anymore.

[Jazz2423]

Ever since september of 2008 I have been suffering from chronic pain which led to a surgery which led to being admitted into the hospital. Up untill the surgery I could handle my depression, but right after I started to notice that there were a few images burned into my brain but I hid how upset I was. After being admitted into the hospital i noticed that I found myself ONLY thinking about suicide, thinking I could never do it. Then the depressin got worse, and the suicide feelings increased. In the past 2 months It has become really bad. Sometimes I find myself sitting in silence, holding a bottle of pills thinking about taking the easy way out. I talked to my shrink but when I talked to her she said that If i ever thot I would committ suicide I would have to be sent to a mental hospital, I cant go back to another hospital, Its such a horrible feeling. I have no one to talk to and now I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do.
                How can I get help without being sent to a hospital?????

[Jazz2423]

I am actually pretty happy and i seem normal when  i am surrounded by others but its when Im alone that i begin thinking about my life. I honestly dont want to do anything more to hurt myself or others but its very difficult to keep hope.
Ive been admitted to hospitals and spent alot of time in them. Im scared of them because they remind me of some of my most painful and vulnerable days. Im not the kind of person that can be seen weak, and in the hospital, youre completely dependent and I cant stand that. I have an image that is constantly in my head, I think about it when I wake up and its what i think about when I go to bed. To me its my most painful and vulnerable moment and I believe that that image is what truly makes me break down.
Thank you for suggesting the support group, I never wanted to before but its time I got help.
I take anti-depressants daily but they obviously are not helping, Thank you for telling me about the meds that can be added to anti-depressants, Im definitely bringing that up to my doctor.
The worst part about everything is not having anyone to talk to but like I said, Im just too afraid to go to the hospital.
Im going to start paying attention to what triggers the suicidal thoughts and try to break that cycle because I dont want to let this win, I want a life again.
Thank you so much for the advice, It means the world.

[Seattle_sleeping_less_2011]

jazz--
you need to get "jazzed" on life--
sometimes anti-depressant medications can cause the sort of fixation-thinking you mentioned, but that can usually be corrected by changing to a medication of a different type.  There are also anti-depressant meds that can help make that obsessive stuff fade away.  There are several different types of anti-deps.  You just have to find a sharp medical provider.  And pills are not the only answer.  We have to get into life with healthy interests-- it's a balanced approach.  But many people who try to fight this condition alone often do end up in the hospital unfortunately.  Why don't you like the hospital?  I've always enjoyed the company and good food and groups--brings me out of myself and my own problems.  The stories people tell can either freak you out, or help you appreciate what you have or don't have.

Have you seen the new ads on TV?  They are trying to add new meds to the anti-deps to give them more zip.  
Anyway,
don't be afraid of the hospital-- if you are suicidal, make the call or just walk in and be honest about it.  They are required by law to treat people who are a danger to themselves.
The main thing is don't isolate-- problems magnify themselves before our eyes when we just sit there and think about them alone.  alone in a foxhole is no way to live--
call in air support--  trounce the enemy-- the enemy is depression and it's an invisible war to rob us of the joy of life...
don't let it win--

[MsRationalBeing]

You need to start focusing on life if you want to live.
Your thoughts are irrational, perhaps you are fixating on a personal flaw or allowing yourself to wallow in negative thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, but it is not natural or healthy to obsess over suicide. You mentioned that you are seeing a doctor, but this person does not seem to be of much health and I am deeply sorry they are adding to your anxiety and fear.
You need to seriously think about how you get from depressing thoughts to suicidal thoughts, what leads you down that path? The next time you find yourself focusing on a thought that leads to the suicidal thoughts you need to interrupt that thought pattern, either by occupying your time or telling yourself "No. I am going to think about all of the reasons why I want to live." And do just that, list the reasons you want to keep going.
You might be able to find a support group in your area, perhaps some place where people regularly meet. Online forums can be of some help if you feel you have no one who can listen to you.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer for you. Mental illness is very complicated and difficult to "cure." I am sorry you are so terrified of going to a hospital but you might be surprised that hospitals specializing in treating mental illness are not the cold prisons of urban legends. There could be some very good reasons why going to a hospital may help you with your problem, especially if you are suicidal.