I don't know what to do!

Question

My father molested me when I was around 9-11 years old. I came to my mother told her my story when I was 13. When I told her, I can see in her face that she believed me. She didn't question me over and over if it was true, though her reaction was not what I predicted. She actually told me that "What should I do? put your father in jail?!".I saw in her eyes and in her tone that she put the blame into me. I was the victim and yet I was blamed. I was a kid back then so when I heard her I also blamed myself. I blamed myself that I didn't protect myself from my father. And I blamed myself for trusting my mother. Deep inside I knew that she won't help me and she hates me. Since I was small my mother physically and verbally abused me.

 Right now, whenever I talk to her regarding how she didn't protect me she won't even admit it to herself. All I can hear are excuses and her self-pity for herself. Does asking to admit her mistakes makes me selfish? Am I the one asking to much from her? I feel rage and pity between our relationship. I don't know what to do.

sammyjo26 · Answer

hi. i can say i fully understand how you are feeling. it is not selfish for you to want answers. i was molested by my step father from the age of 13 to the age of 17. by the time i was 17 my mom had already found out about him and my sister twice and yet left us in north carolina with him so she could go to ohio to help my aunt who had no clue what was going on. we lost our house, he sold my moms stuff, and i ended up homeless. i was working two jobs and living with a 34 year old man with no sex just a place to stay while him and my mom used my child support checks. i finally caught a bus to ohio to my aunt who was my safe zone. i got him to follow me up with my sister who he had at a motel room. i told my aunt and she made my mom take us to the police station and make a report. he was arrested that night and was sentenced for 14 years in prison and labeled as a sexual preditor. he gets out in 5 years. my mom did the same. when i speak to her about it she would make it about her. you are not alone.

Crystal413 · Answer

Some family members go into denial when something like this happens, so choose to not want to be involved or to accept this. You are not to blame for anything at all. If your family members can't or won't except what has happened to you, then they are not protecting you. It is not important what they think because you know what has happened and that's all that counts. Your father should pay for this horrible crime. It is unlikely that he stopped doing such things to other young girls. You are protecting yourself as well as possibly others.

Your mother sounds very controling and has not giving you tools to be independent, confident and to have a good self esteem. It would be extremely hard for any one in you past and current position to feel these things. Try to make steps to nurture and take care of yourself without the influence of your mother. Sometimes we will never be able to please no matter how hard we try. It's not you, it's her.

Do they have Therapy where you live? This would help you so much.

Can you move out and room with someone? Do you have a job to support yourself? Do you have people you can trust to talk to you and perhaps help you? 

I'm concerned about your living situation and how much of a negative influence your mother is on you, and the physical and emotional abuse that may still be happening. The hurt and healing process for you won't stop until you let go. 

Turning in your father, a sexual offender with a minor, may help you to begin your healing process. He should not be allowed to roam the streets for his crimes. Remember this happened to you, not your relatives. You are the most important person here, not anyone else.
The hotline # that Soyaha gave you would be a first start. Trust these people to help you.

Let us know how things go and how else we can help you. My Best To You, Crystal

wandacosmo · Answer

You're right I can't really move on because I don't feel good about myself. I feel ugly, unworthy and all the negative things you can think of. This is who I am because She mold me to be like this. Maybe that is my first step to being free to be able to feel good and confident.

wandacosmo · Answer

I actually live in the Philippines and I'm an adult now. I actually thought of reporting him so many times when I was young. I couldn't just do it because I'm so concern what will His brothers and sisters will think of me. I know that's a lame excuse but in a way He kinda  taught me to fear His family.  To make things worst some of his brothers are his neighbors. 

By the way thank you for the advice and I will try my very best to be okay.

wandacosmo · Answer

Thank you for that. I'm actually an adult now. Last year I graduated and originally plan to move away, but unfortunately SHE had a plan for me. At the end she won because she involved the people around me. Now, I'm experiencing self-hatred for letting her do this to me.

Soyeahh · Answer

I'm no counselor, but I try to give the best advice I can :)

It is absolutely 100% NOT your fault. If I may ask, how Long ago did this incident happen? It's never too late to report him or call a hotline. 
US national hotline for sexual assault: 1.800.656.HOPE(4673) (RAINN)
I don't know what country you're in and I don't want to pry, but above is for RAINN.(org)

As hard as it may sound, find a counselor. Maybe at school? You could talk to the police about what he did. 
I hope things get better for you soon <3

Crystal413 · Answer

My opinion is...Some people are not cut out to be a mother as mine wasn't. This verbal and physical abuse you went thru from your mother shows that there is something just not right with her. Same with your dad who did such an unspeakable thing. We as children expect our parents to protect us, help us, guide us and love us. We need security. When this is not done it can impact our lives in many negative ways. One example for me is having very low self esteem and insecurities. I wasn't ever good enough in my mothers eyes. I am a perfectionist to my detriment. 

I think it's hard to let go because no matter what she is your mom. We want them to be the mom they were suppose to be, that we invisioned. But that won't happen. They are who they are. She didn't protect you from your dad and she herself didn't protect you with all the abuse she gave you. I think it's a natural instinct to love our parents, it's deep down inside of us. Some people just can't love. It's up to you whether or not you can love them. It is hard to let go. Only you can determine if it is healthy for you to have them in your life. You need to protect yourself from any more emotional harm. That's why I really think you should see a therapist. Always remember, you are a good person and absolutely nothing that happened to you was your fault. You were a defenseless child. Getting help will not only help you see this and let it sink in, it will help other aspects of your life that you are dealing with and your future. There are many ghosts that need to vanish. It will also help you to understand why you were in all of those abusive relationships as an adult. Once you feel better about yourself your life will become clearer. You then will be able to let go and not allow anyone else to hurt you.

nursegirl6572 · Answer

I'm so sorry you went through this, you certainly did NOTHING to deserve it, and while I'm sure it would be very hard for your mother to have to deal with that, she definitely did not do right by you.  Her first responsibility would ALWAYS be to you.  YOU should have been the top priority, and she should have kept you safe no matter HOW hard it was for her.  

How old are you now hon?  Have you ever sought any professional help?  I strongly urge you to do so.  If you're still in your mother's care and a minor, you may have to ask her (for insurance purposes) to help you find a therapist and get therapy started.  If she won't, or puts you off, please talk to another trusted adult.  The longer you let this "fester" without dealing with the emotional fallout that the abuse caused you, the more difficult it will be to put this behind you and move on with your life, like you should.

Please keep in touch with us, and let us know how you're doing, okay?  We're here for you.  You're in my thoughts.

Bubulous · Answer

It is a good movie about alcoholism and codependency.  I threw it out there because I was trying to stall until a female came on to help you with your other issues.  Luckily me female battle buddy showed up  :)

wandacosmo · Answer

First of all thank you it lifted a little weight in my heart. And unfortunately I still have contact with them. I never realize that I can never change her. Deep inside I just want her to act as a Mother. I don't know why I can't let it go. Why is it so hard to do?

wandacosmo · Answer

I cannot find the movie yet, but thank you.

Crystal413 · Answer

I am so sorry you were robbed of your childhood. That is awful to have gone thru. I don't think you are asking too much of her or are being selfish. I understand why you need this from your mother, but it sounds like you will never get it. Not only did she protect your father and not stand up to you but she did horrible things to you too. She doesn't sound like the type of person that is going to admit to her mistakes. 

It took me years to let go of the things my mother did and didn't do for me as a child, teen and even adult. I was angry with her for being such a bad mother. I finally realized she was never going to be the mother I should have had. She was who she was. I had to let go. It did take me a long time to accept this and move on and not let it frustrate me or eat at me. Finally it just happened. I will tell you that therapy helped me a lot with this issue. If at all possible I would highly recommend that you try therapy. Talking about everything, getting it all out in the open with a therapist will eventually give you a lot of relief. You know people say you should forgive in order to heal but I think some things are unforgivable. I don't forgive my mother but I have accepted her for who she is and who she will never be.

Please know you are not selfish nor are you asking too much.
I believe breaking ties with your abuser will help your healing process. Abusers don't stop be it physically or mentally. Don't let your mother keep sucking you in. I'm assuming you no longer have contact with your father.


A lot of damage was done to you as a kid. No kid should ever ever have to live thru what you lived thru. I'm afraid the answers you are seeking from your mother may never be answered.

Please find a therapist to help you get thru this. Find some self help books on healing and look to see if any other ones may be suitable. 

Come here any time and we will try to help you.

I wish you the very best, Crystal

Bubulous · Answer

Look into the movie:  the prize winner of defiance ohio.  I think you will enjoy it and it will strike a cord with you.  I could sum it up but you really need to see it yourself.  If you do let me know what you think about it.

wandacosmo · Answer

Both are not in drugs, though he is an alcoholic. He drinks every night. And I'm not in drugs and I didn't ever get in trouble, maybe that's why my uncle and aunt didn't believe me. They said it didn't look life I have a problem. I never seen him being abusive to her, actually it was the other way around. As I can remember she nags him all the time, but when he starts drinking she doesn't nag him.

Bubulous · Answer

A couple more questions...
Were either of them on drugs, that you know of, at the time this happened to you?
I am not judging you by any means but have you ever had a problem with addiction?
Was he abusive towards your mom as well (physically or mentally)
I only ask this because I went through a similar experiencs with my Uncle and all three of my sister went through it with my step dad.  I didn't believe that he actually did it until I saw it for myself because mom denied it and hid it for so long.
That was only the beginning of my trauma and I coped with all that I had been through with pain pills and that is why I asked about the addiction.  I am just trying to get as much information as possible so I can give you the best advice that I can give.