I'm feeling a tremendous amount of guilt

[Oblivion656]

About my cat dying. It's not just because my cat died. But it's because I realized I didn't spend enough time with her as I should have. And I grew up with this cat. This isn't your ordinary cat, that all she does is eat and sleep and likes to be alone. This cat is people person cat. She doesn't think of herself as a cat, she thinks of herself as a human. And she personally loves me. I had this cat for 19 years. Toward the end of her life, I still pet her and stuff. But when I usually became a private person and I stopped having her in my room. When I grew up, I didn't have a door to my room. When I moved to another home, I still let her in my room and stuff, maybe as not as often. She would paw under the door to get in.

Towards the last couple of years, she didn't try much to get my room that much. I still let her in once in a while if I recall. But she realized probably that I didn't want her in her room all that much. It's like when you grow older you get a bit colder, I guess?

Anyways, last week Wednesday, she cried at my door to get in. I let her in, and I had her on my bed. For only about 2 hours. Then I let her go, out of my room. Thursday came she cried at my door, but I was sleeping, so I wasn't in any mood to let her in. Anyways, Thursday afternoon I saw the her on the couch. Then later on at night, I still saw her at the couch. I noticed she wasn't moving.

And I thought it was because the other cat was groomed and she had a different smell. So I thought she was stressed because of that. Anyways, I went to check on her again, and she was hiding. I knew something maybe wrong and she might be sick, so I took her to her dish bowl to see if she would drink some water. She drank some water. She wouldn't eat any food. I thought the cat maybe stressed. The next day I still saw her hiding. That's when I knew she was sick, my father took her to the vet. And I couldn't go with him for some reason. I wanted to.

Anyways, I guess I didn't want to face reality, that she was probably dead. Yeah, she died. All her internal organs were failing, she was just dying. She weighed 5 pounds. They had to sedate her to end her suffering. She also had a tumor under her belly.

I feel tremendously horrible, that I didn't spend a lot more time with her than I should have, or at least had a time period with her before she died. I would have stayed longer with her on Wednesday (the whole day or as long as she wanted me to). I should have taken her to vet for check up. I mean this cat, she loved me. And cats don't care about possessions, they aren't judgmental like human beings are. They just want the basic essentials out of life, water, food. And your love. But I didn't show her enough of this back. I forget that my cat could die, because I had her so long, I was in denial even though I knew she was sick from time to time. And the thought never occurred to me I should spend more time with her.

She didn't want to be alone, and at the very least I should have spent time with her near the end of her 3 days of living. I don't know why my brain didn't form this thought. I could have had her on my bed. I was worried if I had her on my bed, then she couldn't go out of room to get her dish bowl. Maybe I didn't think she was dying. I don't know.

Not only that, I feel that I should have spent way more time with her in the past 3 years that I did. People keep telling me, she had a good life and she lived long as she did because she was so lucky to have me as a pet owner. But I failed her near the end. This guilt is killing me. I know she was waiting for me in heaven. But I have this tremendous amount of guilt. I can't shake it, and knowing what kind of a person I am. I won't get over this, because I don't want to get over it.

I still didn't ignore my cat, I still pet her, I know she loved me unconditionally. But I just did a horrible job at the end. I don't think I'll ever feel happy again, after her. And I even got a new kitten that almost looks like her. But I feel tremendous amount of guilt sharing with this new kitten that I didn't show near the end of my other cat's life.

I don't know what kind of advice I want, I don't think there is a fix for this my mind. Because I know cats can get depressed also. And I'm thinking I know she that loved me, and my family. But what if she thought that I lost interest in her near the end of her life? All these questions, and negative thoughts keep popping in my head.

Things like also, maybe I should die now, to be with my cat. Questions about death and stuff. I keep telling myself, I wasn't cold to my cat, I spent 2 hours with her on Wednesday when she was crying to come in. I let her in, I let her in. I should have taken her to a vet. A cat doesn't get caught up in obsessions such as playing video games all the time, etc. She wants love. And I know I could have done a better job. And don't say just because she is old, she wants to sleep all the time, so it's okay. The cat personally wanted to be with during the end of her life. And that scares me that I went cold.

[Oblivion656]

"when he felt bad he would come stand on my stomach and I would turn over and he would curl up against me.  I loved this cat more than I could have thought possible.  he had been in their family 20  years.  figgy died first."

Sorry about your cat also. My cat also laid on my chest also or on my lap, I could pick up my cat and hold her like I'm holding a baby. I regret not taking more pictures, but I didn't really have cameras. When I did get disposal cameras , I took pictures, or when I borrowed a high quality camera. Do you have any pictures of yours?


"they had it better than most cats.  they have to be abused and dumped out on the street and try to find food and water.  you were good to your cat.  be proud of taking care of him."

"I know how strong that love can be.  be proud your cat knew you loved him. "

I am proud, but a little disappointed in myself.

[Oblivion656]

"Of course you gave her the basics to live, and you gave her affection when it suited you.  You didn't have to spend every waking moment holding her.  You did fine.   "

Yeah, I accept that, the word "fine". I'm learning from it, also. But I did more great when I was a kid, and most of all my adult life too, except a little less sociable towards her maybe towards the end of her life . She also had my family, not just me. I also found photos where she is happy just seeing me around, watching me. I remember when I sat down the other side of couch, if she saw me, she always came towards me. I liked that, because I always loved testing her, I wanted to go pet her, but I loved the fact that she would come up to me. And I didn't have to go to her. So instead of just going up right to pet her, I would go on the other side of the couch, and waited for her.

"Obviously, YOU dying is not the answer, and if you're feeling that depressed where suicide is on your mind at all, then you need to seek some help."

Not dying, I know I'm young. Just a part of me died when she died, a past time of great memories with the cat. Christmas morning with her as a kid with presents all around, and she just tearing up my presents and playing around. If I did die, I would be more than happy with my life at this point and say I had a great life(I mean I would not be happy to upset my loved ones, I don't want to die, I'm just saying if I did die, I would not be unhappy at the life I had). Not that I would kill myself, because that is a sin(Not that I would go to hell just for one sin either, just saying). I'm still young but the years flew by fast. I wish the cat could age as slow as I did. It scares me to think the atheist think we don't go anywhere when we die. They are trying to put doubt in my mind and fear, but I have faith in God, and that is just Satan trying to trick me.

"Time DOES heal all wounds.  You won't always feel this badly.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.  I'm sure there was a little room for improvement, but you're not the reason the cat died, it was an old cat. "

Yeah, time can heal, but not all wounds, although. I know, I'm not the reason my cat died. Old cats, still can look very beautiful.  Old, young, it doesn't matter. They still need love. It wouldn't even matter what she looks like either. She is unique with color patterns on her fur. That's all that matters to me, is that she is unique. She is a calico cat.

"There's nothing different you would have been able to do to save her.  Also, you're making assumptions that she was telling you she wanted held, etc, when the truth of the matter is, with her advanced age, her behavior could have been caused by all KINDS of things, including confusion. "

I know, I wanted a time frame. So I could be with her at her last moments. Not talking about the moments where she was suffering, in those moments, she did want to be alone. I understand that. But for me, I don't want her to be alone no matter what, anyways. It doesn't even really have to be a time frame, because I know anything can happen in life. I just didn't put my mind in a mindset that she deserves more attention than I gave her.

"Be kind to yourself and hold the good memories close to your heart.  Sounds like you reacted pretty normally to me."

Yeah, you are helping me bring that out a little. Every time you do say "For the most part, cats ARE pretty "alone" kind of creatures", That is  not my cat. I highly disagree. Maybe they want to be alone sometimes, from time to time, just like humans. But I remember a time when our family was gone for the night, and when we came back. We noticed she didn't eat any food. Pretty much tells you the cat was scared or lonely or too worried to eat. She didn't know if we were returning or dead.

[Oblivion656]

"I do know how you feel about your cat.  Cats are very very good at hiding pain and illness, its built into their genetics not to show pain so that they don't become another animals meal, and once a cat gets so sick that they go into hiding, they probably have been sick for a longer time then we realize.   "

Yeah, that scares me. Which is why people should take their cats to the vet for a check up now and now. When cats get sick, they can meow or howl before they throw up.

"Take the best memories you have of your time with your cat and build on those memories.  You had a wonderful 19 years with her, through your childhood and hers, animals don't think abstractly like humans and as much as she loved being held and petted, she never held it against you if you did not do it as much as you think you should have. "

Yeah, she loved me unconditionally. But how do I really know she didn't hold it against me, if  she didn't hold it against me, maybe she felt a bit lonely then? I mean last Wednesday, I was only with her for 2 hours in my room. I feel like my heart has sunk, and even if she didn't hold it against me. I hold it against myself, like I know I get obsessed with video games and such, and I had one track mine, but a animal, lives, breaths, thinks, loves, doesn't care about worldly possessions. I needed to balance my time with my cat more than I should have. I can enjoy work, video games, watching tv. But I could do that with my cat or balance my time out better. And the thought never crossed my mind, that I should have give my cat more attention. Humans are so sinful. Also, God knows the truth. God may hold it against me. It's like now, only now I focus on cats, like extremely caring about my cat.

I just try to take comfort in this:

(Psalm 145:-9-10,13,15-21)  God loves all His creation and has made plans for all His children and the lesser creatures to enjoy His eternal Kingdom."

"(1 Corinthians 2- 9): "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"

She is waiting for me in heaven. And I still got a long life ahead of me. And there is no doubt if God knows how happy one of his creatures made me. She will be there.


"If you want to help other animals, you can volunteer with homeless pets, or foster a pet, or visit pets in a shelter.  All the little babies were just born this spring and if anything helps a person heal from a broken heart it is being around little animal babies. "

Yeah, I know I could do that. I love cats, but I loved my cat for 19 years. Once a cat has a connection with you for 19 years or even the first 3 to 4 years. I think that makes them more human then you realize. You have a relationship with a cat, so you have to remember that you always have to give her more than a fair amount of attention. And I believe I did this most of her life, but near the end, I could have done so much better. I know she was happy. Like I said, I know it.

Those strange cats I don't know, they don't love me. It would take many years. And I can never grow up with a cat again, because I'm grown up. I have a new kitten right now, calico, almost looks like the cat I lost, her personality is the same. I'm trying to humanize her. But I have to remember, she is not the same cat, and she won't be.

[MYoungAtHeart]

A cats nature is to be a cat, a pure and simple cat, and a humans nature is to be a human, a pure and simple human.  Trying to make a cat into a human is precious time spent on something that might be more rewarding for you and your life.

Good luck to you

M

[nursegirl6572]

M is absolutely right.  While our beloved pets all have different personalities, and some seem to communicate on a higher level, the facts are, they do not have the same ability we as humans do...to remember, to have feelings of anger or resentment the way we do.  They have instinct and reaction, but they do not have the same cognitive ability we do.

The truth of the matter is, you lost a beloved pet, and it hurts, simple as that.  We love our animals so deeply, that they become a part of our family, and that loss cuts deep.  

Your cat lived beyond it's normal lifespan, which means she was well taken care of.  Try not to think so philosophically and deep when it comes to this.  Don't make more out of it than it is..it's grief, and grief brings out all kinds of emotions in us.  Just allow yourself to feel sad, and know that the feelings will begin to dull with time.

Time absolutely heals all wounds.  It doesn't mean we forget, or that there isn't some remaining pain or hurt...but with time, those emotions aren't as raw and painful.  Look at people who lose their young children.  No one can even IMAGINE getting through something so awful (I know I can't)...yet those people find the strength somewhere...and they go on with life.

I've lost beloved pets and had all of the same regets and deep unimagineable pain.  We had a dog who was barely a year old when he got hit and killed by a car right in front of our house.  Talk about guilt and regret!  We had a hard time containing the pup (he was a Newfoundland,  which are HUGE dogs)..and because of that, I felt solely responsible for what happened.  "What if I had not let him out?"...."What if I had watched him more closely or had him on a leash?"  It was awful, I sobbed uncontrollably for DAYS and cried every single day for weeks.

After some time passed, the pain eased, and I was able to forgive myself a little, and just concentrate on all of the wonderful memories we had with him during his far too short life.  I learned from it, I realized that there WERE better options to ensure his safety..our dogs now have an invisible fence.  I took it as a learning lesson.  

He will always have a piece of my heart, but with time, I healed and it got easier.  It will for you too.  Even if you had taken your cat to the vet, with her age, likely whatever was wrong wouldn't be curative, and VERY possibly, there may not have been anything you could have done for her.  You would have probably been encouraged to put her down, which is VERY hard to have to do.  In a sense, it's a blesssing that she died at home, on her own terms.  I don't know if you're aware too, that animals (cats especially) often go off on their own to die, when they know it's coming.  There are many theories about why they do that, but it's a well known fact that they do.  Therefore, more likely than you not giving her attention and her just giving up on YOU...she was leaving the world on her own terms.

Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't overthink this and make it more than what it is...a normal grieving period after suffering the loss of your beloved pet, a pet you had for a LONG time.   Of course that's going to be very hard!

[Oblivion656]

Life isn't simple as just saying oh cats have cat nature, and humans have human nature. Life isn't about what I want as a reward. Or how much I can get from others. This time around, I wanted to make myself a special loving person. I do know my cat was very lucky to have a pet owner as me. As I think about that, my heart sinks. As I didn't have the thought occur to me, I should have spent the last two weeks with her to show how special she was to me. But it's like I forget (I know I did spend 2 hours with her on Wednesday on my bed in my room). Only death has made me realize.


If a cat can provide unconditional love for us, and if we name her, and she has the last name as our family members. Then I certainly do think she should be treated as one of the family members. I can't believe after all the examples I gave you girls, you still think the cat can't show no love, can't get depressed, can't get scared or worried. I don't know about anger or resentment. I don't believe that she resented me, but my worry is she got depressed a little bit. Besides how do we know what a cat thinks, show me an article on how we know what a cat thinks? I certainly know for a fact what cat's can feel.

She thought of herself as one of her family members, she didn't love being around other cats. She loved humans, she thought of herself as a human. Is a figure speech, I'm sure she knew she wasn't human, and knew she was our masters. But what I'm saying, we treat her like human, she treats us like humans back.

One of the thoughts I can remember before she died, was when I touched her, she went "hmmm", she felt my presence, I knew she was scared, and suffering. My dad took her to the vet, by the way. I didn't go with. Terrible mistake on my part. But before that day on friday. On thursday night, I helped her from hiding, put her near her dish bowl, and she drank a little water. I was still concerned for her. I felt like I should have spent the whole night with her.

Your situation is a little different then mine, we are talking about 19 years with our cat. I grew up with her. If I lost a cat for a year, I would be sad, but it would not be the same. This is 19 years, and I felt I like near the end of her lifespan, I could have done so much more. I didn't feel responsible for her death. But I felt responsible for not being with her a lot more. On Wednesday I spent 2 hours with her on my bed. I just keep going over and over with that thought. My regret was that I didn't take her to the vet for a check up this year before it happened, so I could have the vet tell me how long she has to live. So I could have spent more time. The thought didn't occur in my brain. It didn't go into my brain.

Sorry, my cat didn't die at home, she died at the vet. I didn't take her there, my dad did. And I didn't want to go with. Because of fear, or I'm a moody private person. I don't know what my problem is. I know animals go on their own to die. But on the day before she even wanted to hide, on Wednesday I spent 2 hours with her on my bed. And Thursday she meowed at my door at around noon, I was sleeping. I didn't know the cat was dying then, I had no clue. I would have let her in.

I wanted to be that special loving person to my cat. I don't want to get over her, or have my wounds heal. And besides, a great time span in my life is gone, with her in it. I forget about that. I wish someone would have told me this, before my cat died. I wish my brain would have produced this thought, but I was thinking too much of myself.

I think the reason why I let her in my room on Wednesday on my bed for 2 hours is because I felt sorry for her, not because I loved her. That's not true, is it? I loved my cat, I cried after she died. Oh gosh, I hope that's not true. I loved her, I loved going on the couch when was on there. Ultimately, I just want to make sure I'm not a evil person, and I want to make sure I loved my cat enough, I know I did. But these regrets and fears come up. If you feel sorry for a cat, that means you love her.

I didn't ignore her, I went out to the kitchen, and I sat with her. I didn't ignore her. Was I thinking right, right?