I'm feeling a tremendous amount of guilt

[Oblivion656]

About my cat dying. It's not just because my cat died. But it's because I realized I didn't spend enough time with her as I should have. And I grew up with this cat. This isn't your ordinary cat, that all she does is eat and sleep and likes to be alone. This cat is people person cat. She doesn't think of herself as a cat, she thinks of herself as a human. And she personally loves me. I had this cat for 19 years. Toward the end of her life, I still pet her and stuff. But when I usually became a private person and I stopped having her in my room. When I grew up, I didn't have a door to my room. When I moved to another home, I still let her in my room and stuff, maybe as not as often. She would paw under the door to get in.

Towards the last couple of years, she didn't try much to get my room that much. I still let her in once in a while if I recall. But she realized probably that I didn't want her in her room all that much. It's like when you grow older you get a bit colder, I guess?

Anyways, last week Wednesday, she cried at my door to get in. I let her in, and I had her on my bed. For only about 2 hours. Then I let her go, out of my room. Thursday came she cried at my door, but I was sleeping, so I wasn't in any mood to let her in. Anyways, Thursday afternoon I saw the her on the couch. Then later on at night, I still saw her at the couch. I noticed she wasn't moving.

And I thought it was because the other cat was groomed and she had a different smell. So I thought she was stressed because of that. Anyways, I went to check on her again, and she was hiding. I knew something maybe wrong and she might be sick, so I took her to her dish bowl to see if she would drink some water. She drank some water. She wouldn't eat any food. I thought the cat maybe stressed. The next day I still saw her hiding. That's when I knew she was sick, my father took her to the vet. And I couldn't go with him for some reason. I wanted to.

Anyways, I guess I didn't want to face reality, that she was probably dead. Yeah, she died. All her internal organs were failing, she was just dying. She weighed 5 pounds. They had to sedate her to end her suffering. She also had a tumor under her belly.

I feel tremendously horrible, that I didn't spend a lot more time with her than I should have, or at least had a time period with her before she died. I would have stayed longer with her on Wednesday (the whole day or as long as she wanted me to). I should have taken her to vet for check up. I mean this cat, she loved me. And cats don't care about possessions, they aren't judgmental like human beings are. They just want the basic essentials out of life, water, food. And your love. But I didn't show her enough of this back. I forget that my cat could die, because I had her so long, I was in denial even though I knew she was sick from time to time. And the thought never occurred to me I should spend more time with her.

She didn't want to be alone, and at the very least I should have spent time with her near the end of her 3 days of living. I don't know why my brain didn't form this thought. I could have had her on my bed. I was worried if I had her on my bed, then she couldn't go out of room to get her dish bowl. Maybe I didn't think she was dying. I don't know.

Not only that, I feel that I should have spent way more time with her in the past 3 years that I did. People keep telling me, she had a good life and she lived long as she did because she was so lucky to have me as a pet owner. But I failed her near the end. This guilt is killing me. I know she was waiting for me in heaven. But I have this tremendous amount of guilt. I can't shake it, and knowing what kind of a person I am. I won't get over this, because I don't want to get over it.

I still didn't ignore my cat, I still pet her, I know she loved me unconditionally. But I just did a horrible job at the end. I don't think I'll ever feel happy again, after her. And I even got a new kitten that almost looks like her. But I feel tremendous amount of guilt sharing with this new kitten that I didn't show near the end of my other cat's life.

I don't know what kind of advice I want, I don't think there is a fix for this my mind. Because I know cats can get depressed also. And I'm thinking I know she that loved me, and my family. But what if she thought that I lost interest in her near the end of her life? All these questions, and negative thoughts keep popping in my head.

Things like also, maybe I should die now, to be with my cat. Questions about death and stuff. I keep telling myself, I wasn't cold to my cat, I spent 2 hours with her on Wednesday when she was crying to come in. I let her in, I let her in. I should have taken her to a vet. A cat doesn't get caught up in obsessions such as playing video games all the time, etc. She wants love. And I know I could have done a better job. And don't say just because she is old, she wants to sleep all the time, so it's okay. The cat personally wanted to be with during the end of her life. And that scares me that I went cold.

[nursegirl6572]

You're struggling with grief and feeling regret.  For the most part, cats ARE pretty "alone" kind of creatures.  I think that maybe there's some validity in what you're saying, that maybe you could have done a little better reading some signs, but I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.  The best thing you could do in a situation where you have regrets is to learn from it...so okay, maybe you could have done better.  We ALL could do better sometimes...but it's not like you are a monster.  Of course you gave her the basics to live, and you gave her affection when it suited you.  You didn't have to spend every waking moment holding her.  You did fine.  

The grief is magnifying the severity of the situation for you too, so keep that in mind.  Obviously, YOU dying is not the answer, and if you're feeling that depressed where suicide is on your mind at all, then you need to seek some help.

Time DOES heal all wounds.  You won't always feel this badly.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.  I'm sure there was a little room for improvement, but you're not the reason the cat died, it was an old cat.  There's nothing different you would have been able to do to save her.  Also, you're making assumptions that she was telling you she wanted held, etc, when the truth of the matter is, with her advanced age, her behavior could have been caused by all KINDS of things, including confusion.

Be kind to yourself and hold the good memories close to your heart.  Sounds like you reacted pretty normally to me.

[mandy876]

it is very hard to lose a cat that is another person who lives with you.  my niece moved in 6 years ago and brought her 2 cats.  I never had a cat.  she really loved the grouchy one.  they would argue at night.  she would say be quiet figgy and figgy would yammer back at her.  this went on for a while.  then she would say I love you now shut up and go to sleep.  the cat would yammer back at her.  then off to sleep.  her other cat momo we connected.  the first night they were here.  I told them I am tired I am going to bed.  I said hey mo you coming with me.  I looked behind me and he was strutting down the hall. so cute.  I patted the foot of the bed,  that is where he stayed from then on.  when he felt bad he would come stand on my stomach and I would turn over and he would curl up against me.  I loved this cat more than I could have thought possible.  he had been in their family 20  years.  figgy died first.  that was so sad.  then my momo died and I did not realize how much I loved him.  when I was sick he would come stand by bathroom with his back to me.  I would go back to bed he would lay down on my hand and lay there and watch me,  you could see the love in his eyes.  at the last you could tell he was in pain.  his kidneys were failing.  you gave your cat a good life and I gave my momo a good life.  they had it better than most cats.  they have to be abused and dumped out on the street and try to find food and water.  you were good to your cat.  be proud of taking care of him.  I know how strong that love can be.  be proud your cat knew you loved him.  but don't think about doing anything foolish.  he would not like that.  he will be there when god takes you to be with him.  mandy876

[Oblivion656]

Thanks for your help. But I don't entirely agree with you. This can't wasn't independent, she wasn't your ordinary cat that preferred to be just left alone. She loved to be held, she came up to you on your lap. She loved humans. My other black cat, is very nervous and doesn't like to be picked up or hold. She is definitely isn't the same cat.

To prove what I'm talking about to prove that my cat prefers to be alone. There was a time in my life were I wasn't suppose to touch her or pet her, due to allergy issues. She got depressed and even howled at night. She got very, very sad. But eventually, my allergy issues went away. And I could pet her again. I grew up with this cat, she loved me personally.

And if I go into denial mode, saying oh she was independent, she didn't need my love. That is denial. Which isn't true.

I just want to know something else about cats. Ah man, I just wanted to spend the whole night with her on Wednesday.

Hypnotize me, or damage my brain so I forget about my cat, or go into denial mode, so I believe my own lies? I don't know what to do.

I know she loved me, I know that's not a lie. And I did love her back. But at the time, I didn't realize what I should have. I did pet her, I did, when I went out to the kitchen, I sat by her. But having a cat for 19 years, I should have done more in the end.

[lily168]

Hey there

Sorry to hear about your cat, I was very upset when we had to put our dog down a few years ago....I don't even like thinking about that time because it was so upsetting.

Please don't feel guilty, as it sounds like you were kind to your cat and cats are pretty independent so I'm sure she was happy enough.
I sometimes feel sad that I didn't pay enough attention to my past dog in the last years of his life. He had very bad arthritis and we gave him medicine but couldn't take him for long walks. Also I've been suffering from OCD and was having a bad phase of it then. I always walked by dog everyday but then I'd worry about him doing poos on the street, and when I went to scoop it up with a bag I had OCD about getting it on my hand and not noticing, or contaminating someone else without realising. I was really sad but my Mum said she would walk him from then on. But after a while I found I could manage my OCD and take him for walks again. Though I was staying at my university during the weeks and weekends were often rushed - and to be honest my dog wasn't well enough to play. I do feel a bit sad but I know I was going through a rough time back then and life changes, and I'm sure he was content enough (he was always independent enough). And now we have another dog and I love him so much, and I take what I learned from the first one. Try not to feel so guilty, animals are independent and I'm sure your cat was happy enough (plus it sounds like u have other cats anyway). Also my parents don't let my dog into the bedrooms so your cat got more than my dogs got :)