No, this isn't what OCD is, so don't worry about that. Yes, it sounds like it would help you to talk to someone about it -- couldn't hurt. Guilt is built into humans to teach us about things we did, but when it lasts and lasts and lasts, that's not learning anymore. It's natural to feel guilty or sad about difficult things that happen in life, but when this thinking is so pervasive it interferes with your life, then it can't hurt to talk it out with a professional. This goes beyond grief or sadness and becomes something chronic, and that isn't helping anyone, especially not you.
Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry you have something that feels like a secret guilt that you have trouble shaking. Intrusive thought is a pain! I would think that working with a therapist would be an excellent choice for you.
Abortion is one of those things that people try to bring a lot of morality into and it is very political. Sweetie, you are entitled to make the legal choice you had that best suited your life at the time. Nothing changes the trajectory more of a young woman's life than having a child unplanned very young. You were entitled to the choice and it was what you felt was best at the time.
How is your life in general? Are things going pretty well?
Anyway, I would say you could benefit from talking to a professional about this. Especially if you feel you can't tell anyone else. We're here to talk to! hugs
When I'm depressed I can obsess over events that happened eons ago. Events so long ago I know there's no way they can be the cause of my current depression. Yet I think about them anyway.
I've decided maybe the brain when it gets depressed naturally thinks of every time in the past it's been in a similar situation, looking to see if there's a solution it can find from past experience. And so my thoughts naturally go to past times I've been depressed, or past traumas I've endured, and if only I could somehow fix the past, I"d feel better now.
I know it's not helpful because I already know why I'm depressed. I'm depressed because my body chemistry is out of wack, and I need to adjust my medication, or see my doctor, or eat a sandwich. (If I skip lunch I can get depressed in the afternoon. I'll eat some healthy food and my depression goes away. It's weird. My whole world can be a dark depressing place, I'll eat a sandwich, the world improves. I've never gotten used to it even though I've experienced it so many times.)
When I'm not depressed I don't obsess over the past anymore. It recedes back into the past where it belongs. I know I'm well because I stop thinking about it. I stop wondering if I'm well or not. It's no longer an issue.
Something that happened 10 years ago isn't making me depressed today. If I start thinking that, I'll go eat a sandwich. Or go on a walk get some exercise, that usually makes me feel better the next day. Or see my doctor, adjust my medication if it's really not working. (I had to try over a dozen different antidepressant medications before I found one that works for me. It made a huge difference once I found the one that works for me. I became well beyond my wildest dreams.)
It is normal, I was forced to have one when I was 19, 30 years ago, and I still feel the guilt and the thought of what if I had not done it.
I too had an abortion when I was young. It took many years to get past the guilt, and even now, there are days that it hits me. I just try to focus on the good things in my life and remember that I have come a long way from who/what I was back then. I do think that you need to talk to someone. There are therapists out there that will take on clients with a sliding scale. Check into that if you can.