1541952 tn?1317816629

Is it Normal to be Obsessed with my Abortion from almost 10 years ago?

I didnt know if I should post this here or somewhere else but Im just still dwelling on the fact that I had an abortion when I was a teenager and its been almost ten years now. I just guess all the news about new state laws banning abortion in Louisiana and Alabama and other southern states just has me really down and sad about it. I feel like I have some kind of OCD situation where Im just consumed by abortion guilt thinking about it every single day even a decade later ... do I need to see someone about this? Ive never told anyone in my family about it - its just been a secret inside of me eating me alive for years and I just cant take being trapped in all this darkness for years and years - I try not to think about it all the time and that only works sometimes so I just dont know what to do?
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973741 tn?1342342773
Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry you have something that feels like a secret guilt that you have trouble shaking.  Intrusive thought is a pain!  I would think that working with a therapist would be an excellent choice for you.  

Abortion is one of those things that people try to bring a lot of morality into and it is very political.  Sweetie, you are entitled to make the legal choice you had that best suited your life at the time.  Nothing changes the trajectory more of a young woman's life than having a child unplanned very young.   You were entitled to the choice and it was what you felt was best at the time.  

How is your life in general?  Are things going pretty well?  

Anyway, I would say you could benefit from talking to a professional about this.  Especially if you feel you can't tell anyone else.  We're here to talk to!  hugs  
Helpful - 1
Thank you so much specialmom

I am so conflicted because at the time I got the abortion I was pro-choice and all that and even though I had regrets about the abortion within a few months after I got it over time my abortion regret has just swelled on me and the guilt has consumed me

now I think Ive become probably anti abortion, at least for me I mean - I dont make the  laws so other people can do whatever they are allowed to do with their own bodies - I just feel like I wish someone would have told me how much I was going to regret the abortion for years and years later

I hate politics. I hate a bunch of men telling women what their choices are or are not. I know thats just how it is. But I still hate how its used as a weapon

But I also think that nobody warns young teenage girls about the emotional trauma of an abortion and how it will stay with you forever. How it will crush your soul because you cant stop thinking about it. It gets to where I cry about it every single day. Sometimes I cry about it three or four or five times a day.

I cry about it at work. I cry about it in the shower. I cry about it in the bathroom. I cry about it when im riding to work or to the grocery store. I think about it all the time.

And dont even get me started about what happens to me when I see a little girl who would be the same age mine would have been if I hadn't aborted her. I just about burst into gross snotty tears every single time. In fact everytime I read my own post or responses about it I start to get a little teary eyed.

I know I need therapy but I dont have health insurance and I dont have any spare money to pay out of pocket for a therapist. I make just enough money to pay all my bills and all my taxes and thats it. No savings. No extra money for anything else like health care or therapy or counseling.

Other than me being an emotional basket case because of my intrusive thoughts about my abortion from almost ten years ago things are going ok I guess. I mean, I have a job and its absolutely overwhelming me right now. Like Im snowed in with work and Im going to have to get back to work here pretty soon...  I dont have enough time to take care of myself and well, I know I am not taking care of myself.

I am drinking way too much alcohol every night, a bottle of wine or two. Several beers or whisky or whatever else is around. I am still smoking too much of course. Thats nothing new. I know I should try harder to quit smoking all the time and quit drinking every day but thats just so hard to do when Im working like this.

Uh, work is killing me. Im doing work on this project thats coming up and it just has me going all the time like 15 hours a day somedays. I was supposed to take a beach vacation to see friends next months and now with this work situation getting worse and worse by the minute I am starting to think there is just no way thats going to happen. Ugh I hate not being allowed to ever take vacations. Why have we all let ourselves get trapped into jobs where we work and work and work for a boss who yells at you and insults you and demeans you and runs you down in front of other people but other than having a ****** boss and other than never getting time off and other than having to work nights and weekends and long office days I do like the actual work that I do and it does pay ok given my other job options - like I looked at working other places a few years ago and there were just no options as good as what I have so I just stay put plus I have family around and all that and its just too much for me to want to leave everyone behind and go rouge and run off to the big city to try to make bigger money at a job where they give me actual health insurance and actually allow me to have vacation days.

Ugh. Speaking of work, I have to go back to work now but thanks again for your kind words.
Nobody tells you about the crushing regret because that doesn't actually happen with most people, not just on abortion but on everything.  We react differently to things depending on our very individual personality, things that happen to us in life that help make us how we are, and genetics.  Everyone has a different personality, as you know from all the people you've known in your life.  If someone were to tell you you would have a soul-crushing life because of anything you might experience you would just be more likely to in fact have that type of experience.  It isn't the responsibility of everyone else to protect us from everything bad that might happen, though some things with more certainty to them, such as, say, taking a job where your employer knows you'll be dealing with toxic substances that will increase your chances of a lousy old age, should be explained beforehand.  But again, with abortion, nobody could have known you'd have this reaction later in life.  Focus more on what's going on now.  If you don't like that you apparently have a job that you're very important to, and you really don't care about that, then look for another way to live.  Others enjoy a job that is demanding.  You have to live who you are, and find who you are, and it's hard to do that, but if you can find your place good for you -- but work life in general isn't designed for workers, it's designed for owners.  It is what it is.  If there are no good options, make them.  If you can travel, if you can go back to school, if you're a good learner, there are always options, but again, it is hard and often too hard to be worth it.  Nobody can make life perfect for you because it isn't perfect for anyone, but some just don't get that bothered by it.  Others do.  Some change easily, others don't.  Life isn't one flavor.  The most important thing for you right now is to stop being so hard on yourself, and then you can work on the rest.  Peace.
Paxiled, I just cant stop obsessing about the abortion. every day I hate myself more and more about it. I just want to go back in time and undo it.

I would give anything to fix it. I hate myself for what I did and I cant get over it
Not saying I'm any good at it, but mental illness is full of "can't".  Yes, you can.  Sure, you aren't, but yes, you can.  You got this idea into your head.  You can get this idea out of your head.  Won't be easy, but it is possible.  
I do think this is a bit of an extreme reaction years later.  In life, we all have regrets.  However, your obsessing and such at this point begs the question why now?  What is going on in your life?  Are you going through a stressful time?  Are you in a lull with your relationship (romantic)? Feeling lonely? Depressed in general?  I highly recommend that you work with a therapist as I think you could really benefit from working through the emotions. hugs
Avatar universal
No, this isn't what OCD is, so don't worry about that.  Yes, it sounds like it would help you to talk to someone about it -- couldn't hurt.  Guilt is built into humans to teach us about things we did, but when it lasts and lasts and lasts, that's not learning anymore.  It's natural to feel guilty or sad about difficult things that happen in life, but when this thinking is so pervasive it interferes with your life, then it can't hurt to talk it out with a professional.  This goes beyond grief or sadness and becomes something chronic, and that isn't helping anyone, especially not you.  
Helpful - 1
tpowell2External User
I too had an abortion when I was young. It took many years to get past the guilt, and even now, there are days that it hits me.  I just try to focus on the good things in my life and remember that I have come a long way from who/what I was back then.  I do think that you need to talk to someone.  There are therapists out there that will take on clients with a sliding scale.  Check into that if you can.  
Helpful - 0
Grammie2018External User
It is normal,  I was forced to have one when I was 19, 30 years ago, and I still feel the guilt and the thought of what if I had not done it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
When I'm depressed I can obsess over events that happened eons ago. Events so long ago I know there's no way they can be the cause of my current depression. Yet I think about them anyway.

I've decided maybe the brain when it gets depressed naturally thinks of every time in the past it's been in a similar situation, looking to see if there's a solution it can find from past experience. And so my thoughts naturally go to past times I've been depressed, or past traumas I've endured, and if only I could somehow fix the past, I"d feel better now.

I know it's not helpful because I already know why I'm depressed. I'm depressed because my body chemistry is out of wack, and I need to adjust my medication, or see my doctor, or eat a sandwich. (If I skip lunch I can get depressed in the afternoon. I'll eat some healthy food and my depression goes away. It's weird. My whole world can be a dark depressing place, I'll eat a sandwich, the world improves. I've never gotten used to it even though I've experienced it so many times.)

When I'm not depressed I don't obsess over the past anymore. It recedes back into the past where it belongs. I know I'm well because I stop thinking about it. I stop wondering if I'm well or not. It's no longer an issue.

Something that happened 10 years ago isn't making me depressed today. If I start thinking that, I'll go eat a sandwich. Or go on a walk get some exercise, that usually makes me feel better the next day. Or see my doctor, adjust my medication if it's really not working. (I had to try over a dozen different antidepressant medications before I found one that works for me. It made a huge difference once I found the one that works for me. I became well beyond my wildest dreams.)
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