Is it depression and does anyone out there have similar experiences?

[Pimberly]

It's a bit of a NOVEL, so if you want to skip to the good part, just look down to "the problem." And I apologize for typos and I claim exhaustion as my excuse :)

Well, I guess I'll give some background information for context first with the (((main details in parens))) followed by more for those who are interested. (((I'm 19 years old))) and a lot of confusing things are happening to me as of late.


School:
I feel my life has been out of the ordinary, even though it might not seem odd to some, starting with my education. I skipped around between different schools and different types of schools (eventually arriving as a homeschooler from 7-8 grade) up until high school. Instead of going to high school, like a lot of normal (and I'm starting to use the word "normal" loosely and I apologize) students do, (((I started going to college part time when I was 14 and have gone to school full-time at the same college (plus some side com. coll. stuff in between years) since then.))) Because of my lack of experience in the area, I can't compare what I've been exposed to to what a high schooler typically is, but some of the things I think that have effected me are (((pressure to be productive, charismatic and professional,  sexual pressure (by girls/women, usually a lot older than I am) and pressure to have direction. There's other stuff probably that comes with being so young amidst an older community, but that I also can't think of at this time of life/night.)))

Homelife:
(((I have 4 siblings and two parents))) My father is first generation Indian, from Bombay, bringing with him the social discipline of the region (being not a lot). I don want to really get into that subject but a sore spot in my life involving him is that (((he has openly blamed me for the deterioration of his relationship with my mom and exercises harsh reaction to my attempts to reconcile(getting better though)))) Thinking about it, i thought that explaining my relationship with each member would be excessive, so....

Personality:
Despite all that, or maybe because of it, (((I'm generally a goofy and optimistic kind of fellow))) i've been lead to believe the following are true: (((I'm fairly attractive(I don't want to seem proud when i say this), I'm a more proficient at : dancing(ballroom ballet), rugby and other sports and musically inclination being the most prominent one.)))) People have also said that I am intelligent. I have to want to agree with them, ya know, but I also know that there are a lot of different types of intelligence out there and that my claim to all of it can't be too large. Man, talk about sidetracked. I'll also tack on that I've grown up in a spiritual (chirstian, without denomination I guess) and I've been ok with myself (to varying degrees throughout my early teen years. I'm really good at using logic to persuade, and I never met a person that didn't like me. All leading to...

The Problem:
(((((As of late (somewhere around the last two to three years) I have lost my sense of self. It sounds abstract, but it's a physical thing too, like I don't know how to live through my body. My senses feel dulled, I ignore my physical needs or pains sometime, where premeditation and the act following it used to flow naturally together, I now more watch my body do things. I mean, I'll want my hand to move and it will, but I more "do" than really "think to do" things. I realize its kind of a vague description and I apologize. I also have the urge to stay awake and do things that I really don't need to do (like this possibly) and I also feel like it is harder for me to focus and think constructively these days. Looking at it, it kind of looks like I'm going senile (aching joints included). I like to care for others and I have felt more able to enjoy life before the last couple years. Oh, I wanted to tack on too that I am not comfortable with some places and people that I have been for years. Cool Stuff)))))


I realize that something this detailed might not be normally posted or that it may be past either your ability or desire to respond to. It's also weird because I've Always been able to ground myself and to self diagnosed until now.

Honestly I just wanted to write some stuff out with little hope of helpful responses in return, but I would appreciate anyone out there who's bored and decides to give it a go. Thanks!

[MilkandHoney]

I do this. I used to do this.
Message me, honey. you arent alone.
and the most i can tell you so far is basically you have a mood disorder and are disinterested in everyday life, or are very very d istant from life itself. like you are almost dead. nothing really matters, pain, food.... correct? well just Message me and we can talk better.

[myenzoorka]

Hmm... I'd love to help but the problems you mentioned are just a bit too vague for me.  What you mentioned sounds familiar to me - but it is hard to say whether what you've experienced is the same as what I have.  I can definitely empathize with your feeling of disconnection from your body... though I can't really tell you about it because when I've told my doctors they just kind of nod and make notes.  All I can assume is that those feelings of disconnect are in line with my diagnosis (schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type).  

When you stay up to do things, are you high energy or just determined to get the things done (unable to quit doing whatever you're doing?)  Do you think your uncomfortableness with places and people is anxiety-based?  Can you give more specifics?  I'd hate to say, "oh yeah, you're just like me," with only vague symptoms to go on.