ok here we go

[sweetdog]

well i guess i will start at the beginning. about three years ago i witnessed my best friend since kindergarden, wreck his motorcycle onto some train tracks with a oncoming train aproaching and then being struck violently killing him and doing some more horrible damage to his body. i was withim feet of him when it happend and actually pulled him from the tracks. i really dont want to go in to details but witnessing that and having to tell his mother was the worst thing i have ever had to do. any ways i was in so much shock that i didnt want to admit that i wasnt ok so i started self medicating very heavly with alcohol and marijuana, basically staying drunk all day so i could pass out for a while. i lost all desire to do anything. nothing mattered and death was constintly on my mind. i couldnt sleep unless i passed out and life had no meaning any more. about a year later the drinking was definatley not helping i developed a bad stomach ulcer that made me vomit and **** blood. one very bad day one of my friends gave me an oxycontin 40 it actually made me feel good. i started taking it every day and it seemed to help me dramatically. i re enrolled in school and started working again. i was able to enjoy things and became sociable again, all in all a whole lot better lifestyle, not to mention it helped my chronic back pain that i sufer from as a result of injuries as a teen and years of costruction work. so heres the thing, i recently quit taking oxycontin about a month ago, i wanted to see if i needed them. the withdrawls were horrible but i was able to kick it. but now i feel as i did before i started taking it. i constantly think of my friends death, i dont care about anything again, nothing is fun. i am constantly reminded that death is every where and life is meaning less. i even dropped out of school again, i just dont care about anything. so my question is i defenitally need something to help me out. i dont want to tell a doctor that oxycontin helped he would just think im a junkie but im afraid of anti depressents with their suicidal side affects that is something i do not need. any one with some advice would be great. recomended doctors or rxs would help a lot. thanx a lot.

[kmkween]

Hi. I have kind of a similar situation, though I didn't witness it thank God. My fiancee shot himself about 4 years ago. I've always struggled with depression, but its much worse. I didn't sleep for a month because everytime I closed my eyes all I could see was him blowing his head off. I made the mistake of getting on depression meds so its good you never did. I'm trying to get off it now and I'm irritable and have ringing in my ears. The truth is I've been on them so long I didn't realize how much they haven't been working. I'm still depressed and freakishly emotional, and it effects my marriage. all I can suggest is get some counseling, eat right and exercise regularly, Also keeping a journal or writing in anyway can help. Don't let yourself close off from people. Thats one of my biggest problems. try to find something you really love and do it often. have someone close to you keep you accountable. if you live in cali you could actually get a perscription for marijuanna to take the edge off, though don't depend on it fully. If you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me. hang in there and know that your friend would want you to be happy.

[Penguin_Buddha]

You really need to see a psychiatrist about this.  He will not rag you about the oxycotin.  You probably need therapy to ease your problems, because your depression is post-traumatic.  It is rare anti-depressants have suicidal side-effects (mine never did, quite the opposite in fact), so don't worry too much about that.  

Good luck to you, and I hope you can get better.