My Story

[alissahann18]

Most people will never care or even read this. I don't care. I just want my story out there. I've been depressed since I was 6 years old. My first day of kindergarden, my father went to prison, protecting his brother (later mentioned), I was 6 and when everything bad began. Between the ages of 6 and 9, I was raped. Three years, everyday by my uncle (my mothers brother). I never questioned whether it was wrong bc I didnt know it was. I was a child. I thought it was normal. When I finally got away at the age of 9, was bc my family moved to KY, and placed me into the hands of my fathers brother, yet, another man to take advantage of my innocence. He didnt rape, he only touched for the year I lived there, but its all the same to me now. My home life with horrible but school was just as bad, I was teased everyday n then I came home to my uncle. Throughout my life, my mother was an alcoholic n I practically raised my younger sister since I was 5. I protected her from my uncles n still do whether she realizes it or not. What a childhood, huh? When I was 10, I moved to a different town. Everything got better, my mom still drank but my dad came home n things began to get better. We moved again to a small town where I've been since 5 grade. Things got even better, though I stayed tucked safely into my shell. In middle school things began to go bad with my parents. I was cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, getting my sister up and ready for school everyday and staying strong. In highschool, I came out that I was bisexual n everything was okay. I went in and out of relationships that meant nothing to me. I went to dances and games, and joined color guard, but I remained reserved until my sophmore year, when I became someone I didnt know. I didnt come out of my shell, but I put on a mask, one I havent been able to free myself from to this day. I've never been clinically diagnosed, but I know I am. I realized this in middle school. By the end of my sophomore year, I began cutting and I still do. I enjoy the feel of the blade on my skin. I have too many ups and downs to count n currently I am on an all time low. If you ask, a friend, I'm happy and ready to go to college in the fall, but on the inside I am gone. I dont feel anything but hollowness and sadness anymore. I feel like ive given up. I considered suicide alot when I was younger, but these past months it has been so many more thoughts. I wonder if anyone would even care. I cant count how many times I've thought of cutting deeper, or stepping in front of a car when I go check the mail. I dont see the point in life anymore. My people have been through worse, and this may be nothing to someone else, but this is my life and I hate it. I just want it all to end.

[gandolfication]

alissahann18,
That is great.  I'm happy for you and optimistic.
College is great - my favorite pastime.

Just don't write off EA or some support group which would probably still be a very positive outlet for you given what you've been through and the cutting you mentioned struggling with.

[sara12345]

That is so great to hear.  Glad that you are starting college, the beginning of a whole new future.  And so very glad to hear that you will get the check up.  You sound strong. Many of us have been where you are--struggling.  It's getting the help that changes things.  Wish you the best.  Sara

[Gretta96]

That sounds good.  You are starting a new chapter in life, your college years.  Those were some of the best years of my life.  Best of luck to you :)

[alissahann18]

I'm not bi-polar. I reread what I wrote and thought I should comment, again. I had had a very rough night and posted and realized how horrible my life sounded. Yes, I'm depressed and I've had suicidal thoughts, but I would never act on them. I care too much about the people around me and things are looking up. I'm leaving for college in a week and I'll be able to start my life on my own. When I get my medical card from my college, I'm going to get a check up done. Mental and physical.    

[nursegirl6572]

What a lovely reply!  WELL said!


We all need a support network, and frankly, this can just make life more enjoyable.

Amen!!  We ALL deserve to get the most out of this life, and sometimes that requires work.  It doesn't come easy for all of us.

[gandolfication]

I should have added that those support groups I mentioned are free and confidential.

[gandolfication]

alissahann18,

Thanks for sharring your story here - pretty gutsy thing to do I think.
What horrible abuse you've suffered already in life.  I am always shocked at how freequent and common this kind of sexual abuse of children is.
As much as I empathize with you--and like the others here, do care--I won't pretend I can relate to that kind of childhood.  (Although I have suffered from severe depression and felt suicidal for years, I always wonder if it is worse for people who have gone through actual physical and more tangible suffering like you have - and then I pile more guilt on top of myself for feeling the way I do for 'no reason' -  as I'm certain many others in this forum can relate to).

The best I can do is try to relate my own suffering and think of a book I read called A Child Called It: One Child's Courage to Survive.  It is a brief, horrifying account of the bizarre tortures this guy suffered growing up from his own family and how, totally amazingly, he survived and has gone on to flourish and have not only a meaningful, but a happy life with his own family he loves.

I don't want to trivialize your experience or the way you feel as I know both are very real.  I only mean to offer this as someone out here who knows what it feels like to want to die (all the time, for a long time), but also knows there are things worth living for, including the possibility of love, human friendship, beauty.

In your case, it seems quite likely that the next phases of your life will be significantly better in many ways than the first part.  

And let me offer just one other thing.  I am glad to have read your story and had this interaction even though it is just correspondence over the internet.  You have enriched my life today and given me a little hope knowing that another suffering soul is out there persevering.  I don't know if that makes you feel good, but your life has meaning in part because you've helped me today and I am grateful.

I would highly recommend you seek out some outlet(s) for support, like Emotions Anonymous (Chapters worldwide - google their site), Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (similar), and you may also be able to find a counselor at no cost at a church if you'd be comfortable with that.  Do something.  We all need a support network, and frankly, this can just make life more enjoyable.

[sara12345]

Please do listen to what you wrote in your first posting.  Get the help that will so greatly benefit you.  To not do it, is just plain self-destructive.  Don't let this illness take over.  You need to use your strength to take over and get help.  If you can do anything, then you can get help.    

Since you haven't responded to the very caring postings from people like nursegirl, I'm going to point out the inconsistencies between your first post and your last posting.  You said in your first posting, "...but on the inside I am gone. I dont feel anything but hollowness and sadness anymore... I feel like ive given up...I dont see the point in life anymore."  And then you say later, "I know that I can do anything I want to do."

It doesn't sound like you can do anything that you want to do.  Or to do it all on your own as you later say.  Why do you think that it is so great to do it all by yourself?  I got help and I feel wonderful. That's not the way that you describe yourself when you say, "but this is my life and I hate it. I just want it all to end."  Wow.  That sounds like someone who can greatly benefit from help.  What is wrong with getting help?  And then you say that you "don't want to go to doctors" and "I'm so strong." How is that being strong? If you were strong, then you would be able to go to doctors.  

Again, read again what you wrote in your first posting.  Get the help that you so greatly deserve.  Stop letting this illness be the boss.  

[rana64]

Dear Girl, I dont know you but I read your story and I tell you I care for you and I understand your pain and sadness. I have a beautiful daughter who suffers bipolar disorder and she had done the cutting and suicide attempts too, as a mother I beg you to look out for medical help, try to find a doctor that can diagnose you and help you, life is hard but beautiful at the same time, for you has been really hard but don't give up on life, is more to life than suffering and I am sure you will be an example for many others , you have a wonderful and powerful soul that will guide many, God Bless you.

[nursegirl6572]

Well said, Gretta!  :0)

[Gretta96]

I know when I was young, the thought of therapy and antidepressants was ridiculous.  Now, at 42, I look back and realize I should have gotten help.  I suffered some issues in childhood, nothing compared to the poster, but enough that damage was done.  
Once you hit your forties, boy it seems all your problems hit you like a ton of bricks.  Then you start to see patterns in relationships and why there was dysfunction.
Unfortunately, your childhood will not be your only problem in life.  Many more bad things will happen, but also good things too.  If you can get help now for your childhood abuse, you will be better able to handle all the future issues life will throw at you.  

[nursegirl6572]

Meds in general. I've never taken any meds for depression because I don't go to doctors. Like I said in my first post, I have never been diagnosed. I'm not a defeatist, I'm a realist and I do dig deep. That's why I have never done what I've thought of. Yes, I cut and I have horrible thoughts, but I know I'm stronger then that. I do feel alone, but that's why I'm so strong. I know that I can do anything I want to do. If I can do it alone, I can do anything.

Well, you posted about some REAL pain in your first post, you were hurting, and it sure seemed like you were reaching out.

Depression isn't about "being strong" or being able to "do it alone".  It's something that needs addressed.  It's not a character flaw.  You seem content to live with it and not try to improve it.  That's certainly your perogative, but you never know how your life could be if you don't try, and as of now, you haven't tried anything yet.

With depression, you have to do some work and reach out for help and be willing to try some things if you'd like to improve your situation.  I hope you decide to give it a go.

Take care!

[mandy876]

I dont now if they have the same program in your area.  my niece lives with me has no income.  she has had suicide attempts and been depessed since 13.  we have some clinics here they are called mhmr (mental health)  you have to go talk to someone which was simple.  tell them you have no insurance and they give her her depression and her bi polar meds free. her bi polar meds they have a time with they changed them again2 weeks ago.  the pills were to melt under your tongue.  she said it deadened her tongue and they tasetd awful.  her tongue stayed numb and her throat felt weird.  but she goes back Friday they will give her more meds to try.  her daughter applied and they took her too.  right now there is not much she can take.  she just had a baby boy.  she is breast feeding.  she was asking them for help.  they told her as soon as she quits breast feeding they would start up all medications again.  but they have a doctor to ask questions.  you see a nurse every 2 weeks and she really talk to you.  it really is a great place.  she would not be here if it was not for them.  please check this out.  they will work with you.  mandy876

[alissahann18]

Meds in general. I've never taken any meds for depression because I don't go to doctors. Like I said in my first post, I have never been diagnosed. I'm not a defeatist, I'm a realist and I do dig deep. That's why I have never done what I've thought of. Yes, I cut and I have horrible thoughts, but I know I'm stronger then that. I do feel alone, but that's why I'm so strong. I know that I can do anything I want to do. If I can do it alone, I can do anything.

[nursegirl6572]

Glad to see you posting again!

If I may ask, you said that medications haven't worked well for you, what all have you tried, and for how long?  The great thing about meds for depression is that there are many different kinds.  If a person hasn't had much luck with the newer SSRIs or SNRIs, sometimes the older tricyclic ADs will be effective, even a MAOI.  It's largely a trial and error process to see if a med will be helpful.  I would encourage you to keep trying in that regard.

It's definitely hard to manage something like depression with no insurance.  No doubt treatment isn't cheap, but there ARE resources out there, you just have to do some looking around.  Some docs and therapists will work on a sliding scale, based on income, and most counties offer some kind of free (or very affordable) mental health programs.  Why not make some calls and see what you find?

It's well worth it to keep trying, as you may really greatly improve your quality of life with the right treatment regimen.  Try not to have a defeatist attitude that nothing will work, or that you won't have access because of the insurance.  It's worth it to keep trying hon.  You're already doing a lot for yourself, which is super, but the professional help is vital, it really is.  It makes all the difference in the world for MOST people.  You've had a LOT of very terrible things happen to you, I feel it would help you so much to dig deep and work through those residual emotions that resulted.

Keep posting, okay?  We're here for you, and you better bet that it will help people just to read your story.  If we can manage to JUST not feel so alone in our battle, that's huge.

Take care!!

[alissahann18]

I go through alot of ups n downs, but I hv far more ups then I do downs. I hv considered suicide, but I would nv go as far to do it. I do hv hope tht things will change. I kno they will. I cut, but I work tho my issues on my own, for the most part. I wanted to get my story out there to rlly understand tht there r others like me out there. I will keep u guys updated. It nice to hv supportive people to talk to. And to answer some of the questions asked. I am a very reserved person, tho, not many see it anymore. I'm very open n trusting, but most people never see the real me. I am the 7th of 9 children. The 9th child was my younger brother, he died at 2 months, he was in the hospital all but 2 week of his life n I was so young I don't remember him. My grandfather did his best to do what he could for me. I'm not 100% sure, but I think I confided in him about the rape. I was young n I only remember a few things about him, but I know he loved me n he made my childhood an enjoyable one, until the day he died. He left me in April if '01 a year after my brother. As to some of the other questions; no, my parents don't know about the depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting, or the rape. As open as I am, they only kno what I tell them. My sister knows about the cutting n rape, but thts it. She's disapproves, but I stay out of her business n she stays out of mine for the most part. No, I don't see a doctor - no  medical issuance - and no, I don't see a therapist -  they cost too much n not many in my area, anyway. I don't take meds of any kind for any reason. No point; if I take a medication for more than a few weeks, I adjust to it n it doesn't work anymore. And finally, I when I need to vent or work out a low, I write. I do poetry. If anyone wants to read them message me on my page. My major at college is journalism, I'm a writer.

[sara12345]

I also care very much about you.  You have had a very tragic life, but there is hope for you, even though you feel hopeless right now.  Do see a doctor and also try to get therapy.  There is a whole new world out there for you.  You deserve it.  

I was severely depressed for many years and was also suicidal, until the newer anti-depressants came out.  Then my whole world changed.  And feel free to express yourself on this website.  There are many on here who have struggled with difficult pasts and severe depression.  We are here for you.  You take care, Sara

[mandy876]

you have had such a hard life.  I don't know how you survived this long.  do you see a doctor.  there is meds you can take and talking to us is a big start. of course we will listen.  here we all have problems.  any time you need to talk someone is always here.  god be with you.  mandy876

[Gretta96]

I care and am so disturbed by the abuse you have suffered.  It is beyond horrible.  You are here and writing it out, I think that is a step toward healing.  You can overcome this terrible abuse, please don't give up.

[nursegirl6572]

Well, it would be shocking if you WEREN'T depressed!  That's quite a tragic story!  I'm so sorry you went through that!

Have you ever tried seeking help?  I know you have that hopeless feeling, but there IS help for you out there!  You absolutely can go on to have a happy, fulfilling life.  I know it doesn't seem like it, but you should at least try.  It will take a while as you've got a lot to sort through, but it will be worth it.  YOU are worth it.  OK?

Check back in with us, WE care!

[jeanbecky]

Such a hard*

[jeanbecky]

You are not alone and I care. I have and still feel the same way. I am a victim of molestation and rape. Also my parents where alcoholics too I was also in charge of my younger sister while my mother and older sister would go out at night I was driving at 15 taking my sisters to school. I am the middle child of 3the sisters and at a young age had the responsibility of an adult. Learned to cook at the age of 8. I did all the house chores. High school was hell for me full of rummers and lies my own sister spred about me. I have been battling depression for a long time and I just started getting help. I'm 30the years old I have to boys and a husband in the military. To this day I feel worthless unwated and like knowine especially my husband understands me. I made the decision to get help because I could see the pain and hurt I was putting my family threw. I have to always worn a mask been someone I'm not and now I'm trying to find the real me. My life has been a lie and I guilty of a lot of things. I've tryed to take my life and people ask why? You have such a great family and everything is so great but if my walls could talk they'd tell you my story. I hope that you get help and I tell u know it's sick a hard process and a slow one it's like learning how to walk again. But I'm doing it and I know that if you reach out for help you can do it too. You are not alone.