My fear of death keeps me from committing suicide

[alvaa]

And all of a sudden this makes me sad and angry!

[Feathergone]

I'm 40 in a year and I've wondered why I've been **** on since I was born, shak baby syndrome, siezures, broken bones, bruises welts as a child, a no good life that led to nothing after years of trying so hard, literally putting my blood sweat and tears I to trying to make a life, tried to be positive along the way, but sometimes it all falls down and I can't breathe. I'm tired of life already, but I have my kids who would be ripped up without me, so I love my life in misery, living in my tiny cube of a house, always out of food, my PTSD keeps me in a diss associative state nearly all the time which is why being in public is like watching a mindless zombie trying to function. (Traumatic violence in early childhood years often requires the brain during development to have these problems, some cognitive therapy helps, I've been there for years, medication,..but my brain is hard wired. It is what it is, and I would amputate my legs to be able to feel what it's like to be normal, and give my kids what they deserve.

[alvaa]

I just get to thinking about my life and where I am. I am almost the opposite that I thought I would be at the age of 40. It really gets me down late at night when I have to think about it.

[4Maddie44]

Why do you think suicide is for you?  What are you going through at the moment that makes you feel this way?  I took an overdose, and it was awful to see how it affected my family.  It is 20 years on, and I am still here.  I have been in some very low places with depression.  Each time I tell myself I can't go on fighting it.  But I do.

It is surprising how strong we can be.  I tell myself the depression must not win.  I want to live.  I do hope you find yourself fighting this black cloud, and being strong.  We are all behind you here.  We know exactly how you feel.  I am sure one day you will be glad you did not harm yourself.  I know depression takes everything away from us.  

Be strong.  Keep on posting here.

Take care, we are thinking about you.

[Hobby10]

Just enjoy everything.  The highs and lows,  tears or happiness appreciate it all.  And be grateful for your fear of death.  You are human precious and alive.  And u do matter.  Hang in there.  Cry if u need to,  seek advice anywhere u can,  but don't ever giv up on your life.  It's yours ,  you own it.  Now go out and enjoy every second!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RainLover71]

Suicide is never the answer because no matter how trapped you feel or how bad you feel it's a fact that those feeling will pass.

[nursegirl6572]

It's a heck of a thing isn't it?  

I'll tell you, while I have never been exactly suicidal, I've been in dark places before, and I can easily see how easy it is to lose hope.  I'll tell you one thing that I used to think about during those dark moments that helped me.

We get ONE chance on this earth.  And, while we are selfish creatures by nature, a lot of what we're about has to do with how we affect other people in our lives...from our parents, siblings, children, friends, clients, strangers on the street, etc.  The very people who matter to us so much would be FOREVER changed by suicide.  They will be left with gult, sorrow, self blame, you name it.  You may think, "they're better off without me."

Trust me, they're much better WITH you in their lives, even on your worst of days, than with you gone, forever.  You would be amazed at how you touch lives and aren't even aware of it.  From the sad and lonely elderly lady you smiled at and made her day, to your Mom, who thanks God every day for being blessed with you (just giving generic examples here).

Suicide is just NEVER the option.  Your days will come to an end one day...and one day soon, as life goes soooo very damn fast.  I'm actually tearing up writing this, as I think of how I could be almost 40 already, seems like just yesterday I was a kid.  And while I may have some pretty awful rough days...I would rather my loved ones have memories of their life with me in it, than foever have their life defined by the day they lost me, by my own hand.

While you may not FEEL like it, you are important to this world, even just in the context of this website. You've touched many lives sharing your story and helping people.  I am a firm believer that life is hard for a very good reason, it makes the good moments SO much better.

Keep fighting the fight, because one day you'll be wishing you had more time, instead of wishing your time away.

Hugs.