Sad Mommy looking for support

[foreverlostmom]

I am a 27 year old mom I have 2 wonderful kids I am a stay at home mom.  I have alot of everything I wanted out of life but I find myself stuck with this unrelenting depression.  All I ever wanted to be was a mommy and I got that and I am able to stay home and raise my kids how much more can I ask for?  Why am I not happy?  All to often I feel like I could trade my life for a full time job and that really makes me sad I want to raise my kids more then anything.

I have hypothyroidism, adreanal fatigue, PCOS, Chronic back pain,  and take medication for a few of these.  Ya I know thats probably enough of a reason as to why I feel so sad.

I was molested as a child and neglected alot.  Although things got better as I got older because my mother also grew up a little but there was already so much damage done.  I have blocked out most of my child hood I don't have many memories but it still all haunts me and affects my daily life.  Had alot of suicidal thoughts and self harm intentons growing up and while I would never act on any of those now they hang over my head permanantly.  So there is enough in itself to cause depression.

Last but not least my husband is not the most supportive person and while we love each other he just doesnt know how to be there for me and we spend alot of time apart.  When he is here he is not really "here".  We kind of fell apart after we had kids which makes me really sad.  I want to have a better marriage but we both seem to have grown into two totally different people we still make things work and it has been better latley he has learned to control his anger somewhat and  thats a big improvment.  Well there you have it another reason I am depressed.

I know I have many many reasons of why I am depressed but I want to know how to be happy?  I want to enjoy my children and life in general so how can I do that?  I had a year of zoloft but never felt any different I am now pondering trying a different medication after not being on any depression meds for a couple years to see if it might help.

No I have not done counseling I do not have the insurance or the money to go that route I already have to figure out how to continue paying a chiropractor so my body can atleast function.  We live on one income so money is an issue also which I am sure is also contributing to all this as well.

I am looking for maybe people in a similar situation to talk to and wondering if anyone has truley gotten relief from a antidepressant?

(hugs)

[jwcj]

Dear Foreverlostmom,
Yes I do understand that trapped feeling that you are speaking of, as I end up there a lot.
I have all these beautiful feelings inside me, but somehow I am never able to move on them. And though it sounds as I am making one excuse after another, but I am held back by this lousy pain I suffer all day long.
It strikes me how strange it is that I was given three purple hearts while I was in Vietnam, and I was really in a lot of pain that is so hard to describe, but the pain from my wounds went away after a short period of time.
Today my back pain is something I really can't get control of, and it hurts 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and with every tick of the clock.
I kind of relate it to being burnt, but not as severe all the time, but just like a burn it never stops.
I want so much to get out of these gray duldrums, but I can't get myself motivated to go do some voluteering or something.
I love to play cribbage, and I just know that there are a lot of older people who are sitting in nursing homes that would just love to have someone stop in occasionally to play a game with, but then either my depression knocks me down, or my pain sits me back down into my chair.
I am now seeing a shrink, and a counselor so that has made a small difference, but as of yet the shrink hasn't found the right prescription for me, but I am looking foward to the day he does.
Believe it or not the best thing I have found that really helps with my depression is talking to you, and other people like us.
I was telling my wife just last night just how much better I feel today than I did yesterday, and it's all because of people like you who know what it is thatI am going through.
So Thank You for your acknowledgement of my being, and I am looking foward to talking with everyone I can, but personally I want to send this thank you specifically to you.  " Thanks"

[JG525]

Mom- Please make sure that your thyroid and adrenals are "optimal."  Your doctor should check Free T3 and Free T4, as well as TSH.  I have these issues too and they can really lead to depression.  I also have a back injury.

I have had some success with Effexor for depression.  It is an SNRI, not an SSRI.  It is hard to get off of, which I'm doing now and can also cause some libido issues, but I think it's a good drug for depression.  Just do your research.

I wish you could find some sort of counseling though...maybe a clinic?  I have found it really helpful.  

Sorry things are so tough.  This may sound annoying, but have you thought about taking your kids and going to do some volunteering?  It would really make you feel good about yourself since you are a SAHM.  I know that's hard to think about when you feel down though.

Take care!

Jenny

[foreverlostmom]

Thank you much fover replying and being a friend it means alot to have someone understand how I feel and not just think I am lazy.

I wanted to say I am so sorry about your daughter and all the troubles you have experienced in your life I am not really sure what to say but thank you.

You are so caring to go out of your way to let me know that I am not alone and help me see a little more that things can always be worse.  And while I know that and I always try to remember that it doesn't exactly make the depression better I am sure you know what I mean.

It almost feels like I have this person in me that is stuck and cannot get out its a horrible feeling to want to feel happy but not being able to.

[jwcj]

Dear Mom,
Even though I am a man, I can relate to some of the things you posted.
I won't go into great detail, but I too was a sexually abused child (not by anyone in my family), but worse than that (to me anyhow) I was a beaten child. I was beaten enough by my dad that I left home for the first time when I was thirteen, and I left home permantly when I was fifteen.
You wouldn't even begin to believe what happened to me all those years I was out on the road hitch hiking all over the U.S. and Canada, but lets just say I don't want to think about it.
I did a heck of a lot of drugs through those years, and then I finally started to get in trouble with the law was I was seventeen, and it was then that the courts told me: " I could either go into the Marine Corps for four years, or I could go to the state penetentiary for fourteen years.
Now during my stint in service I was able to find ways to screw up even more, and my superiors added to my fear of authority.
I got married at 19 and had two kids by the time I was 22, and was divorced by the time I was 26.
My ex-wife called me one day in April of 1976, and said: " John--- do you want the kids--if not I am putting them up for adoption?"
It was still in 1976 that I met the woman who was finally going to teach me what love was all about.
I didn't learn right away, and I can't believe that she stayed with me after all the horrible crap I put her through, but after living with me for 28 years, she finally said yes to marrying me, and we have been together for 35 years now.
During our living together I attempted suicide twice, and to this day I don't think she really knows why, and maybe I don't either.
I just know that with the patience of a saint she stayed with me, mand gave me love as I have never known before.
On January 1st, 2001 my 27 year old daughter died on our kitchen floor from having three brain annuerisms brought on by injecting cocaine.
If you add up all the rotten things that have happened during my life, you would think that bhere is one of the most depressed people on earth, but you would be wrong.
I was diagnosed with manic-depression when I was fourteen, and in 1993 I was found to be suffering from PSTD (post traumatic stress disorder), andf yet here I am today.
I broke my back in a car accident in March of 2000, and since the accident I have had surgery that made things even worse.
The doc's call it failed back surgery syndrome, and I am taking 40 mgs of oxycontin everyday, but they really don't do much for the pain.
I have a forty thousand dolar spinal cord stimulator implanted in my back that sends good feeling little schock waves down my legs, but it doesn't do a damn thing for my back.
So I bet you have guessed that I go through depression a lot.
I can't even count the number of different meds the shrinks have put me on, but they seem to only work temporarily for me.
The one single thing that almost always brings me up from the depths of my doom is the love and attention my wife gives to me.
So I can really understand how you need your husband to talk with you, and share the problems of your day.
I sit at home alone everyday while my wife goes off to work, and I'm left here alone with two dogs, and a cat to talk to.
I am a new comer to this site, and I have got the sneaking suspiction that it is gpoing to be a great place for me to get out the pain that is inside me that I need to have an outlet for.
Just writing comments here has already began to relieve some of my depression, amnd it may begin to help you too.
I sure hope so.
I will make you this promise: "if you should take the time to write to me, I will promise to always write back to you".

[foreverlostmom]

I am one who also trys to live through my kids I think I always overcompensate but I have come to realize that and I have started to try and cut back on some things.

It is hard it has been a long road and basically on my own not much emotional support which makes it even rougher.  But I feel like I have done a pretty good job in handling what I have to handle but sometimes there is just this doom that follows me around for a while and the last year has been tough.

I think I just need a little something to my life I would like to start school for massage therapy but money and the time is an issue so I will be waiting until my youngest is in school so until then I have to figure out how to be happy with my life because as I said in my first post this is everything I ever wanted.  And it makes me sad that I feel like I want something different now because inside I really want to be here I really want to be that kind of mommy so it is hard I feel like I am being torn.

I wish my husband didn't have his own demons and could be what I need him to be I think things would be much different.

[mammo]

You're very welcome.  I'm sure you're a wonderful mother but depression can interfere with this, and sometimes we don't even realize it.  I over-compensated with my kids, for all the love, support, and care I didn't receive during my childhood.  I was basically re-living my life vicariously thru them, and it became obcessive. I remember thinking that once I left home, I had survived it all and things would be fine, it was a rude awakening for me.  As you know, as adults is when recognize all the harm that was done, usually thru depression and this is when we have to deal with the emotional scars.  What truly opened my eyes was losing my son, I realized so much at this time about life in general.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can promise you this.  You're moving in the right direction....keep going.  Take care and write anytime.

[foreverlostmom]

Thank you for replying I think I may go ahead and try another antidepressant I really want to be a mom to my kids and don't feel I am being the what they need and deserve.  I had so many challanges in my life growing up that I promised myself they would never see but I know I am not giving them what I truley want to.

It really does help to have someone to talk to, someone that understands and can relate.

I have depression in my mother and grandmother and most of my aunts it seems to run in my family and I see where my grandmother has gotten in her life and I don't want to be there.  She also brings the thyroid problems so it feels alot of my problems were handed down to me I raised to be depressed its hard to know different from what you were taught.  

[mammo]

Yes, you do have many reasons to be depressed.  I do think medication would do you a lot of good, and anytime you're taking one and you feel it isn't working, always contact your doctor.  Usually a dosage change is needed or a new medication all together.  Always work closely with your doctor on this.  But I also feel you need to address your childhood as I'm sure it's causing your depression.  You need to prioritize things in your life and start doing what you can to feel better.  What I mean is, start by going to your doctor and getting on medication, it does make a world of difference.  Most of us have had to try several different ones before finding the one or right combination.  Also, keep in mind that they always start you out on a low dosage and after 6 weeks or so will want to see you and determine if it is helping.  Normally they need to increase the dosage at this point.  A psychiatrist is best for this and also therapy.  But if therapy is out of the question right now. please share with us.  We have all been through our own hell, and can relate to what you're enduring.  I had a lousy childhood also, so I do know where you're coming from there. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about this.  Sometimes just talking to someone who endured much of the same will help a lot.  We're glad you're here, you're not alone.  Take care....