Celebrating Birthdays

[floatingspirit]

I am new to this community and would like to introduce myself...

I am asking around about celebrating birthdays as I have one coming up...
I'd like to know if people have a hard time celebrating...do you celebrate, not celebrate, ask others (your family) not to celebrate your birthday?

It can be so hard when you're depressed...I just think of one of those depression drug commercials where people are having a party and the depressed person is looking on sadly. It can be tough to have happiness around you when you're depressed to say the least...at other people's parties or your own.

Celebrating my b-day these days is a miserable experience. I don't feel up to it ever and haven't for a while now. I'm 43.

Any tips are appreciated...thanks.

[persephonedemeter]

I forgot to say that it was usually expected out of me to make some sort of speech and address a crowd. I kept it short, simple and focusing on people having a great time, especially for the person it is for and keeping ot lovely and cheerful. No one likes long speeches anyway, unless the speaker is hilarious and entertaining. Then, I smile big (feeling like my face was cracking)  and wave, nod alot  and head for the bathroom. I also didn't  drink alcohol, because I didn't want to feel less aware or less in control, and if I did, I tell them to make it really soft and weak, and I sipped on it a little, not finishing it. I also eat a light meal before, just in case, I am too anxious to eat during the party.  I liked holding a glass so I didn't have to shake hands or hug people I didn't really know. I drink juices, tea, water or decaf coffee. Treating it like going to the gym and working out. It wasn't as hard on me as I expected with anxiety factored in on it.

Just think of practical ways to take care of yourself:)

[persephonedemeter]

Hi floatingspirit. I see that it is something you have to go through. Family milestones are something no one wants to miss out on, since life does go on, even when illnesses happen. I attend. I just let a couple of people know I need to step away from the party occasionally to give myself a 10 minute break throughout the party to lessen the social anxiety and ease up on the "hosting and best foot forward" efforts.

i can only tell you what worked for me just to give you some ideas. just putting it out there.

I also spend time in therapy going over anxieties, issues about it. My therapist, doctor, myself and usually a friend make a "survival plan" to deal with it. It's something I know I need support in. For one, I have my party clothes and everything ready 2 or 3 days before. I found being depressed required that I need to make allowance that it takes longer for me to get ready because if I rush, i tend to forget things. Don't know about you, but depression affects my memory and concentration.

I also knew the party was going to exhaust me. So, I made sure, once it was over, that I rested. For me, I had to rest and keep things quiet for one or 2 days. I tended to go over and over in my head reviewing things after events like that. I always worried about "slipping" or maybe saying uneasy things to people. I also had to fight inherent shyness. I would ask someone who attended who knew me very well and the one who I designated to "watch over me", if I did okay. Social anxiety still continued after it was over, and I had to do a lot of reality checking, because I could beat myself up with negativity afterwards, and the person who I trusted would say something like, "I know you were sad, but no one picked up on it, and they enjoyed talking to you," I worry more about not putting my best foot forward. I don't tell people I am down unless they ask very seriously, but as far as I remember, no one did. They were great parties. i couldn't even tell by the pics and videos  that I was struggling, and I'm not a good actor in my mind. I did take a low dose prescribed klonopin before "party performance time," which was in the plan my doctor and I discussed, and which was another reason why I made sure I had rest periods afterward.

I had therapy and a psychiatrist appointment scheduled within the week after that, so, it served as a "party de-briefing time." They did that all the time with me when I had to go through something that demanded any effort from me.

[floatingspirit]

Persephonedemeter,

Thanks for your response...

I can understand the fake smile thing...It's really hard to fake it when you don't feel like it. I don't want to act like I'm happy when I'm clearly not - there's no point.

I also do much better with fewer people at a time. I am getting so worried because I have a huge party (my mother's 80th) coming up in a couple  months and I will be seeing everybody (extended relatives).

Yes, it is very draining to say the least. I just want to feel like part of the human race for once. This depression has gotten worse for me over the years.

But, I am glad there are others out there who can relate and support me.
Thanks...

Floatingspirit

[persephonedemeter]

Hello, Floatingspirit. Completely relate with you about birthday parties, or parties in general. I usually cannot tolerate a party when I was depressed. People invited me, but I usually excuse myself and tell them thank you but I am really not feeling well enough to go this time. That went on for nearly 2 decades. Social events can really tire me out mentally and physically. Depression is very draining.

I could  usually go out with one person for something short and not too involved. When I was really depressed, it would be something like a 15 minute walk with no real plans, and I ask for the option to bow out without any judgment. I usually say, treat me like a person with a really bad bout of flu, but without the contagion. Or I just say, can I take a raincheck and at this time, just the birthday wish and acknowledgement and knowing you are still there for me, is enough for now.

Back when I was really depressed, I usually forgot it was my birthday. I also couldn't keep track of my age. I thought I was 7 or 8 years older. When i knew it was my birthday, i designated that day for myself only. I did that and still do that when I was well. I usually went on a wilderness trip by myself, usually camping out. Occasionally, I will allow one person to come with me, and that was someone who wouldn't put any kind of pressure on me, but just keep me company. I have to admit, that when I was really depressed, there was a time when I wasn't allowed to be alone by myself for too long a period. So, people would check in with me, and usually it was by phone.

What I usually do is "celebrate" for a month,, and what I did was pace out one to one time with people. I could do 2 people at a time, like my parents, but they had to be aware that I am not going to go out of my way to put on a fake smile. I could do what is called a half smile, and that was good enough. I did try to engage with people, because that is actually good to do to help fight the depression, and when I was really low energy, I had a script of 3 sentences, usually encouraging people to tell me about themselves, and then I just listened. I also had the option to lie down to rest or retreat to somewhere quiet. Most of the time, 30 minutes was all I could handle, then I would retreat and rest, and come back again. I didn't go to movies, shows, crowded places, or anything that didn't involve flexibility in time or effort. I asked for that condition whenever I agreed to do anything. I also said no surprises, because I couldn't tolerate them, and I didn't want to disappoint people.