So sorry your going through all this maybe talking to a Thearopist might help.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like you have no support from anyone. Maybe the guy your with is not the one for you. He does'nt sound like he's ready to commit but is living with you? Does he help with the bills? Can you see a Dr to find out if you do indeed have depression. To me, it certainly sounds like you do but, I am not a Dr and I can not diagnose you. We're here to listen and help any way we can.