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what is depression? Am I depressed?

I am not really sure what is wrong with me but I am sure it is not normal to feel this way for a 17 year old or just anyone.
I feel bitter about my life and have been this way for around 4 years. I feel bitter that I am taken for granted or just that people don't bother with me or care. This is especially about my friends; of which I have few close friends as I am quite socially awkward in situations to make more friends but am comfortable with them. I know that my friends are nice people but at the same time I feel they do not care about me. I have always been the one to have to ask everyone if they want to meet, they never ask me unless they have a purpose they want to go for like to buy a specific item, I can't think of any time I have individually been asked out because they wanted to meet up with me. Even when I make effort when they won't to meet up most of the time they either don't answer (but have been online so I know they are aware of it) or they say they are busy. Sometimes even it has been said to me along the lines of 'I may be free on this day but I don't know because I may get a better offer.' It just makes me feel even less wanted that they will say they are busy to me but then on a different recent occasion some of them may do something together. I know I am not the centre of the universe, and I realise this may seem trivial, meaningless or selfish as they haven't done anything wrong really and don't intend to hurt me. I just feel miserable that people don't ever put me first or take my feelings into consideration. I have got quite obsessed over this over the years and I don't want to feel this bitterness over some of the people I love the most. I have tried before to explain how I feel to them but I don't know whether they either understood me or listened because nothing has changed. It just really hurts me as I am loyal and would practically do anything for them but I feel this is not reciprocated, I have even realised the problem is with myself by having too high expectations. When I realised this around 2 years ago I was able to ignore these feelings as I knew this was my problem, not theirs and that they are not even aware how bad I feel. But for many months I have been feeling like this again. I don't know what to do but I am sick of feeling this way, like I am selfish in doing so. I want to make more friends but I am quite socially awkward and don't know how to interact comfortably with other people. I feel they do not want to talk to me as I am uncomfortable whereas others may be more confident and that is the best way to come across as friendly. Quite a young person/ teenagery thing to do to make friends is clubbing or going to bars and pubs. It's not that I don't like to drink (In fact I do because It makes me less nervous) but I just feel incredibly anxious in social situations as I don't know what to do. I am a twin and my 18th birthday is coming up. I am not allowed to celebrate at my house, where I am comfortable. All my sister wants to do is go drinking and won't really consider anything else. I am really stressed about my birthday and it has got to the point where I don't want to go to my own birthday celebration and am not looking forward to my 18th. My sister just told me to get over it. It is just my mum and sister in my family with no other relatives. We aren't that close especially emotionally, like we never hug or anything. They don't really understand how I feel. I have always been a nervous person but In these recent years I have become more stressed and anxious but for unnecessary reasons. I experience flashes of anxiousness mostly daily and often for no particular reason. I get anxious over everyday things others may do with ease and also just for no reason like sitting in the bus. I am constantly stressed and it has only peaked higher this year due to my A levels. I had a panic attack according to my teacher on the day I had to be isolated between my main geography and law exams, where I was so stressed I couldn't stop sobbing for the whole hour. Consequently I know I have done bad and have definitely failed my law main exam. Its normal to be stressed over exams but even now after I am still extremely stressed.  I cry all the time at home sometimes over nothing and I can't stop myself. I feel like nothing is going right for me all because I'm stressed and bitter.
Maybe I'm posting on the wrong forum but I just am sick of crying and being bitter, stressed and anxious. I don't really even know why I am posting or what I hope to get but I would be grateful for anyone's words.
2 Responses
1551327 tn?1514045867
Hello and welcome to the depression forum,
You are on the right site.  Many of the things you say show that you are suffering with some depression issues and a lot of them stem from a low self worth.
I am willing to bet that you are an intelligent person.  intelligence is different than wisdom, however.
You know what the problem is but you just don't know how to solve it.  I experienced life through eyes like yours and it started when I was a teenager.
You probably are up to do anything but base how the party is going on other people.  I am sure that you base your self worth on other's opinions of you and that is a life that can never be fullfilled.
It isn't your fault.  It is in your nature.  Some of us make more calculated decisions than others.
What you must be able to do is find out who you are.  Who are you?  If you can imagine a circle...
Inside that circle is who you are.  Outside of that circle is a boundary that creates a sort of grey area.  Outside of that grey area is what others think of you.
What people think of you is always going to change.  Especially if you are changing in order to fit what you perceive others think of you.
There is something tuggin on you from the past that you have not given attention to in a long time.
Perhaps you are afraid of who you really are but that dark side is part of you too.  It does not mean that you have to do bad things but you do have to allow both sides of your personality to breath because the longer you hold that other person under water, the more intense it is going to be when she comes up for air.
Avatar universal
We're certainly not qualified to evaluate you on this, but a psychologist is.  I'd suggest you find a good one and talk this out and figure out what's going on.  
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